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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

358 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
AgrathaChristie · 07/04/2023 07:27

Switchwitch · 06/04/2023 09:15

I'd be worried about what he's doing/done with the photos. Is he sharing them online?

This.
Dont send any photos as you’ve no idea how he’ll use them.
Are there jobs he is capable of going, maybe WFH? Or retraining for something suitable? If there are find as many vacancies and opportunities as you can as evidence that he does not need spousal support. Get another solicitor and start planning to leave.

Pippylongstock · 07/04/2023 07:27

Absolute controlling bastard. You need to leave this absolute arsehole. What ever happens even if you end up paying som maintenance it has to be better than this.

Summerfun54321 · 07/04/2023 07:23

You've told him no on a number of occasions but he's still asking. Do you think he gets a kick out of asking you to do something sexual you aren't freely consenting too? This is so dark. Definitely log and record these messages and his reactions to you refusing. This is not normal at all.

googlejourney · 07/04/2023 07:21

Please make sure all nudes and videos are deleted. There's more at play here than him wanting 'treats' for himself. It's about control and seems an obsession. Men with an obsession like this often join groups of like minded men and swap pictures and stories online, it is a done thing. This then fuels their fetish.

LoudSnoringDog · 07/04/2023 07:18

This is so gross.

Duckingella · 07/04/2023 07:04

Also with all the work from home jobs these days even with MS he could actually work even part time.

MissMarplesbag · 07/04/2023 06:59

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

I'd be wary about sending a nude picture in case he shared it on social media platforms. Don't send him anything and delete all compromising messages on WhatsApp etc. Don't trust his motives.

Duckingella · 07/04/2023 06:57

Keep the angry messages when you refused to send nudes as potential evidence of coercion.

Blossomtoes · 07/04/2023 06:56

Comii9 · 06/04/2023 22:45

I was just coming along to say this. Your eldest child needs to know about his behaviour too

Show quote history

No they don’t. Nobody else needs to know.

DeflatedAgain · 07/04/2023 06:54

Would you still be required to pay him if you reported him to the police for sexual harassment? Divorce, report and hopefully a no contact agreement would stop you paying?

SeaDee · 07/04/2023 06:47

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 20:05

Totally considering that. On long train journey have looked into some local solicitors, current value of our property (to share the equity) and how much of a mortgage I would need for a 2 bed flat in my area (if my 14 yo wants to live with me). Am assuming DH would want to keep the dog and I would keep the cats so you're not far off. Would aim to give him enough equity to stop longer term demands as per a PP on thread (but obvs subject to robust legal advice).

Laying plans for after A level season though. Don't want to disrupt DD1 right now. But I am not complacent.

Had another message - seemingly blissfully unaware - asking me if I wanted him to get any garlic bread from the shop to go with dinner and if so to send him a "reward". He. Does. Not. Get. It.

The idea of a "reward" by way of a sext is revolting

It's almost as if he's blackmailing you

He sounds repulsive

sybil40 · 07/04/2023 06:36

Is he so far into his own world that he does not realise that his behaviour has got so unreasonable. So beyond limits of acceptability. So extreme. Even if he has stopped short of violence.
If he genuinely doesn't realise this. He will not change. That is a very serious aspect.

CaveatmTOR · 07/04/2023 06:33

Good luck OP. He sounds stomach churning.

Buildingthefuture · 07/04/2023 06:25

What have I just read?? If you want him to get garlic bread to go with your tea, you’ve got to send him a naked picture??? That is just beyond hideous op. He is controlling you from afar and demanding you do things that he knows you don’t like. Rancid twat!!!!! Stop it now, today. Tell him that there will be no more pictures and you don’t give a flying fuck how cross he gets about it. He can fuck off to the far side of fucksville. I’m angry for you op, this is awful!!!

Backstreets · 07/04/2023 06:02

You will be so much happier without this prick! Good luck op

MrsMikeDrop · 07/04/2023 05:56

Of course you don't have to support him for life. Leave him, it's a pity you didn't years ago, don't waste any more time!

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 05:49

Where was I being “funny” or “jolly” about this?!
How was I “normalising” and “being jokey” about it?!

Yes I can see I need some professional assistance with this and that it is serious.

OP posts:
longtompot · 06/04/2023 23:07

What he is doing to you is beyond awful, and the fact he doesn't get it even after you telling him! Who tf thinks they deserve a 'treat' for buying some garlic bread from the shop!?

I read this recently. Coercive control is very much taken seriously by the police. This case is slightly different to yours as I believe the victim was in their teens when they met, and he was convicted of rape, but they did take into account the controlling nature of the relationship.

https://www.salisburyjournal.co.uk/news/23437081.salisbury-man-convicted-rape-receives-12-years-prison/?fbclid=IwAR1a22KZcETDMLSZIIwuSMfi3T1dnDGimCDu9znqsugqN96R-YNhNJIY4rc

scoobydoo1971 · 06/04/2023 23:03

I am disabled. I run my own business. If your DH is able to send creepy texts and do some housework, he can support himself. The Government would pay him PIP and employment support allowance if he is that disabled. Do not send pics but keep his messages as evidence for the court. Divorce him as he will wear you down over the years. There are access to work grants from the Government to enabled disabled people to work. All sorts of training schemes and reasonable adjustments. He will erode your mental health and you cannot have any respect for this man when he wants sexting and all that nonsense.

Truestorypeeps · 06/04/2023 23:01

Didn't realise garlic bread was so special/hard to come by that it could be used as a bartering tool for naked photos?! How very strange. Send him a message saying, okay, just getting a photo ready... then send him a photo of you giving the middle finger 😉

Eas1lyd1stracted · 06/04/2023 22:51

But aren't you financially supporting him anyway to a degree? Spousal maintenance is possible, but is avoiding it worth ruining your life over. Your children are at the age where they will decide where to live. He doesn't sound like there is any appeal in being with him. And definitely get rid of all the pictures

Alvinne · 06/04/2023 22:49

He sounds fucking awful OP. The freedom of being away from him would be worth it even if you do end up having to pay him some sort of maintenence.
Get out of there as soon as you can. He is an absolute cunt.

Comii9 · 06/04/2023 22:45

Schleep · 06/04/2023 09:24

Not to add negativity to the situation, but before you action anything you may want to try and delete any photos he has of you stored on his personal devices.
He sounds like the type to use those against you if things don't go his way

I was just coming along to say this. Your eldest child needs to know about his behaviour too

lakeswimmer · 06/04/2023 22:41

Get away from this man. He's a creepy twat. Who asks for any kind of reward (let alone a nude pic) in return for buying garlic bread?! This is in not normal adult behaviour.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/04/2023 22:41

You know OP, you really do need to see a therapist.

You are obviously very bright and I am really stunned by the way you are normalising and being jokey about what is abusive behaviour.

I know this won’t fit with your self image but you are being abused. There’s nothing funny or jolly about it.

You need to figure out why you’ve got yourself here and get yourself out. Don’t use your kids as an excuse. They will be fine.

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