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Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

358 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
GizzardChops · 07/04/2023 09:43

He sounds pathetic. A "reward" for getting garlic bread?!? Disgusting. I really hope you find a way to leave him OP. And have a happy life!

Stravaig · 07/04/2023 09:42

Echo everyone else about finding a better solicitor and getting rid of him.

I'd also check that none of your nude photos have been uploaded online or otherwise shared - hire a specialist if you have to. If he has done this, it's a crime, so report him to the police. That should take care of any threats regarding custody and spousal support.

Werehalfwaythere · 07/04/2023 09:42

You sound like such a strong person. He'd have made me depressed a long time ago. He must make your skin crawl, it's the sheer lack of respect for you, it must be hard sharing a home with him.

I hope, with circumstances now different, that things are more favourable should you split now.

Keep all of his blackmailing texts, it will be good evidence of coercion, and in my view, sexual exploitation.

It's time you look after yourself.

MinnieGirl · 07/04/2023 09:36

Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:43

I don’t keep the pics I send him as I feel so degraded. So I can’t search for them.

Yes I need a therapist who specialises in this stuff. I see that.

Can you access his phone? If so look for the pictures and delete them

DomPom47 · 07/04/2023 09:31

It’s great that you are taking positive steps to take charge of your life.
If you have access to his phone and laptop etc I would search for those photos and messages and delete them and then make sure you go to the deleted file/trash can and also delete from there too. You do not need want him threatening you with the exposure of these images and messages. Hopefully he wouldn’t be that low as you have kids but I wouldn’t want to take the risk.
Good luck - stay strong and positive 🍀💐

Northby · 07/04/2023 09:31

Also OP he sounds like a total cad and you have done an amazing job - you’ve put up with a lot and managed to get sober. Not a mean feat!! And now you’re setting boundaries. You should be really proud of yourself and how you’re moving forward.

Monoprix · 07/04/2023 09:27

Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:50

@Mirabai there were several reasons

  1. he threatened to take the children if I left
  2. he threatened to use my evening drinking against me
  3. he threatened to use my “never being there” (ie being out at work many miles away) as evidence of being an unfit mother
  4. my then lawyer told me I would need to prepare myself for the possibility of being in a bedsit, with him and the girls living in the family home and me supporting them financially, if the court decision didn’t go in my favour

the difference now?

  1. the girls are 14 and (almost) 18
  2. I am almost four years sober
  3. I work from home
  4. I could afford a two bed flat for me and my 14 year old, if we sell the family home and split the equity 50:50

Excuse me but how could he prove that you drink in the evenings? Is there video or photographic evidence of it? Because based on that he could claim almost everything about you but if there’s lack of evidence his word is worth jackshit.
Think!
If I were you I would turn this weapon against him and say he is the drinker. What is he going to do about it?

Northby · 07/04/2023 09:26

Hi OP. See another solicitor. I think the support lasts a few years - not forever.

prh47bridge · 07/04/2023 09:24

KTSl1964 · 07/04/2023 07:35

He’s been sent lots of pictures previously -ask yourself why he keeps wanting more from you? It’s control.
How old are your children - would he want parental responsibility- see a different solicitor and establish the facts.
It depends on your come repaying him spousal maintenance. It would be worth it just to get rid of him..

As they are married, he already has parental responsibility whether he wants it or not. He will still have PR if they divorce.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 07/04/2023 09:22

Oh op what an awful situation, I really feel for you. My ex used to be coercive sexually with me, like your dh so I completely understand why you feel guilty for saying no.

But, what you (and I at the time) don't realise is that you do have power, you have power over how you respond. What you don't have power over is his actions. What's the worse he will do if you said 'forget the garlic bread then, I said no and I will continue to say no, as I will not be sending nudes or anything that makes me feel uncomfortable again'? He will sulk, maybe shout, down tools and stop doing the housework. So what? You do you and your dc and he can sort himself out. You have the ability to ignore his outbursts, you can make your own tea, take you and dd out for the day, you can go to work, sleep in a different bedroom etc.

What he doesn't realise is that you could take those texts to the police and they'd taken them pretty seriously. So in your shoes I would consider having a conversation with the police, logging this so if he does get worse you can report him and it will be on record. Sexual coercion is a crime.

I also echo other pp, speak to a few different solicitors, he can't hold your dd over you now as she's 14 and can speak to a judge and make her own decision who she lives with.

CornishTiger · 07/04/2023 09:17

Fuck all of that.

I’m glad you are waking up and seeing him for what he is. Disgusting.

Roselilly36 · 07/04/2023 09:17

BattleofBeamfleot · 07/04/2023 08:17

This is dangerous advice. Don't rely on your assumptions.

Law does change, and more importantly, so do trends in how a court may approach the dissolution, often based on updated understanding - for example, how children tend to deal with certain custody situations, or whether it's economically risky to expect ex spouses to be wholly maintained by another person.

So many legal decisions are still open to interpretation on some level and a solicitor who practises in this area will have a good view of the current approaches favoured by the court. It's always worth checking back after some time has passed - as many people have said, spousal maintenance is far less popular now than it was ten years ago, and a solicitor can advise of the likelihood of success of any given strategy.

Ask. Because you never know unless you find out.

Show quote history

I am speaking from experience, someone I know is a very high earner, long marriage, her lawyer says 50/50, highly recommended divorce specialist lawyer, It doesn’t matter who earns or contributes financially the most in the marriage.

purpledalmation · 07/04/2023 09:17

He's used blackmail in the past and may have kept these pics of you and attempt blackmail. It's a criminal offence.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:11

Yes I know, but though I am assertive professionally, for some reason I have been frightened by my DH into doing what he wants.

And this is why posters are talking about coercive control. It would be a really good idea to follow the advice to contact a domestic abuse charity like Women’s Aid and talk through the control aspects of your marriage particularly wrt the sexual abuse.

Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 09:10

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/04/2023 08:57

I agree with this, it might be time to report his behaviour to the police, now coercive and controlling behaviour is a crime.

Show quote history

Agree aswell - report to the police and move out with the child that is at home. I would not want that man anywhere near teenage kids. Just how gross he is demanding that from you.

Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 09:08

Why would you have to support him for life? Never heard of that ever! Also, he is abusive, demanding nude pics and getting angry if you dont send them. Thats abuse. Go and see a different solicitor asap.

Notjustabrunette · 07/04/2023 09:07

This is a painfully sad thread. You deserve a better life than this.

Comtesse · 07/04/2023 09:06

This is hideous. “I’ll buy you a garlic bread if you send me a picture of your body”? What a disgusting creep to commodify you like that.

Time to find a better lawyer - the first one sounds crap.

I would not want a sleazy man like this around my teenaged daughters. Courage Flowers

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 09:02

Yes I know, but though I am assertive professionally, for some reason I have been frightened by my DH into doing what he wants.

I have been in touch with one women’s service this morning and they have signposted me to other resources. They won’t be open again until Tuesday now but I totally agree I need specialist support, and therapy.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 07/04/2023 08:58

You must know the first points 1-3 are bollocks right?

Point 4. Needed further legal advice. Depends who is the main caregiver - by the sounds of it that’s you not him as you say he did no chores originally.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/04/2023 08:57

Weallgottachangesometime · 07/04/2023 08:53

I have you ever spoken to a domestic abuse service? I really think specialist advice around the coercive element might be helpful.

I agree with this, it might be time to report his behaviour to the police, now coercive and controlling behaviour is a crime.

Weallgottachangesometime · 07/04/2023 08:53

I have you ever spoken to a domestic abuse service? I really think specialist advice around the coercive element might be helpful.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:50

@Mirabai there were several reasons

  1. he threatened to take the children if I left
  2. he threatened to use my evening drinking against me
  3. he threatened to use my “never being there” (ie being out at work many miles away) as evidence of being an unfit mother
  4. my then lawyer told me I would need to prepare myself for the possibility of being in a bedsit, with him and the girls living in the family home and me supporting them financially, if the court decision didn’t go in my favour

the difference now?

  1. the girls are 14 and (almost) 18
  2. I am almost four years sober
  3. I work from home
  4. I could afford a two bed flat for me and my 14 year old, if we sell the family home and split the equity 50:50
OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:45

Thanks @SleepyRich . I was determined. Had wanted to give up for several years but he would buy me wine or gin to “get me in the mood”.

and yes I know how bloody dreadful that is

he found it v difficult when I could no longer be blandished with alcohol…

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/04/2023 08:43

I don’t keep the pics I send him as I feel so degraded. So I can’t search for them.

Yes I need a therapist who specialises in this stuff. I see that.

OP posts:
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