Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

This. You have to stay and be repulsed by him, that really is grim him pestering you. If you’re stuck anyway, beautiful freedom will be better having to actually pay less money. If he doesn’t have custody of the kids either, which is unlikely if he can’t work, then the maintenance amount will be small.

The thing is, if you stay with him you're supporting him anyway. Even if you do have to pay some support if you leave him, at least you get away from him. The situation sounds absolutely grim. Unless you really can't afford to leave surely it's not worth tolerating this just for financial benefit.

This man clearly hates you and sounds utterly vile. Surely you’re supporting him now? Supporting him and giving up your life and any chance of happiness. So even if you had to give him money you’d at least have your life back.

Depending on circumstances spousal maintenance is sometimes awarded. each couple will reach a settlement that works best for them, failing that a court will. Either way, spousal maintenance is still a thing.
In these circumstances op I would go and see another solicitor and investigate your options. Then at least you can make a fully informed decision. The type of behaviour you are describing sounds quite abusive.

There is a principle in divorce, a spouse has to be provided for, he needs a place to live and an income, according to your means you will have to pay. Courts favour clean breaks if possible but ultimately it could be for life, the rules are not biased and he could end up taking half of everything including your pension.

Whoever has custody of the children will get extra, to you it all sounds grossly unfair, usually it’s the man that is the high earner who is in your situation, if you are going to divorce him try to agree what will happen quickly or legal fees will cripple you.

I just read this OP and thought, I'm so sorry.

You've had good advice already but it's gut-wrenching what someone women experience in their relationships. I had similar and life is so much better on the other side of it. You'll feel like a new woman once this is all properly behind you and there will be lots of happiness and freedom ahead of you. What a sleaze your husband is, I can't imagine treating someone like this.

I just wanted to quickly give you a big womanly cheer Op.

Youve had great advice and it sounds like you’re putting yourself first for a a change . I’m actually very excited for you as I think your life is going to exponentially improve in the near future.

Well done for posting on here, it’s never easy but you did it.

Is he texting you his requests and angry response when you won’t comply with the pics?
I’d use this as evidence of coercive control and abuse. Surely you can’t be expected to pay for your abuser??

Def see a new solicitor - pay for the best to get you out of this shit.

What is the liklihood of the 14 yearold wanting to live with him? Pictures/sexual element aside, surely they have an inkling he's a controlling git? If there is any chance they favour him, I'd be putting them fully in the picture in an attempt to protect them from similar behaviour from him or future partners. They are potentially at risk of harm. Stay very strong OP and be prepared, as you do, for his behaviour to escalate hugely. I would also assume the pictures are already shared - as horrendous as that is, it takes any power/influence that particular threat can hold. I'd be reporting to the police in the hope his devices were seized, but I might be naive in that regard. Best of luck

For god sake see another lawyer ! Many are totally useless.
If he is disabled he will be able to claim benefits
Get rid of that vile leech ( sexting is sooooo urgh )
Your kids are older so no chance of custody orders against their wishes

LTB in the strongest terms - urgh 💐 flowers to comfort x

I agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup try to build up some evidence and use this in the future. The idea he is sharing your pics is disgusting but it sounds like he's sex obsessed so probably sharing images, looking up other things on the computer. What an awful man, I hope you divorce him.

It sounds as if he's sleepwalking (or sleepwanking) his way into a conviction for coercive control/sexual offences. Don't mention the folder of images on his computer again. Don't insist he deletes everything. Keep his messages on your phone and backed up to a properly secured computer of your own. All of them, but especially the angry ones and threats - including the ones where he's saying he won't buy food for you unless you provide him with coerced pornographic images.

It'll give the Police far more to work with when they seize his laptop.

Unpleasant though it might be to find out that he's shared or posted images of you online, it would actually be a result - as then there's irrefutable evidence of his crimes. A brief period of embarrassment in exchange for his criminal conviction.

And if you didn't actually tell anybody official (ie, GP, community drug and alcohol service) about drinking to numb yourself into tolerating his continued coercion and abuse, well, it's just lies to ensure that you were scared into staying in this abusive relationship, isn't it? And you stopped drinking altogether because he would repeatedly coerce you to get drunk and you didn't feel safe with him because of the other disgusting things he did, after all.

I'd go for a separation to start with and see if you can have more legal advice. I would really tell the solicitor everything as I would see this situation as abusive, constant pressure for sexts and nudes is intrusive and degrading. It is preventing you from living your life and causing you to be anxious and depressed. I'm not sure about spousal maintenance but as other posters have suggested, your dp will be eligible for some benefits if you separate. The chances are that, after separation, he will move on to someone else and you will be in a better situation.

I'd also check your/his computers and phone for evidence of cheating as it is probably that he is pressuring other women into sending nudes to him. It's something men do when they go on dating sites.

Find another solicitor immediately. Don’t be shy about letting them know about the coercive side to your marriage and the fact that he has tried to get you to stay before. I’d also let them know that he may have material on you that he may use for leverage and that you want that immediately addressed.

Oh OP this is so sad to read!

Well done on seeking support & stay strong! 💐

What a disgusting man!<

Your situation is horrible, so pleased the switch has gone off and you can now see your situation more clearly. It makes me shudder. Threatening to use your drinking against you, when he was giving you those drinks to 'losen you up'. Shudder.

He's a coersive sex pest. Keep all the texts. I think with today's understanding of co ersive contril, the courts would look quite differently to the dinosaur solicitor you saw before.

Keep strong, and keep going.

Everyone's given you such good advice, and I have nothing really helpful to add, but I was thinking...
Do you share the same bed? Do you sleep naked? Perhaps invest in a set of PJs...

Not making light, I promise. I just hope he's not taking sneaky pictures of you whilst you sleep. Horrible to think of it but from what you've said he sounds like the type who might.

He sounds hideous.
I'm disabled and divorced. Tbf I work but only part time and am the resident parent. My working and earning capacity is directly linked to my disability.
My exh only pays the very barest minimum of maintenance for the children. Much less than he should and definitely nothing else spousal or for my disability.
I'm pretty sure that all the creepy coercive and sexual control would come into it somehow too with a decent solicitor.
Start again with someone new, preferably a woman who is experienced in divorce law.
As a disabled person and as an advocate, there are very few disabled people who can never work again , partly why pip is so hard to get for the many people who are disabled but have to work.

Maybe time for him to revisit his capacity. If he can text/ sext all day , I'm sure he has other technology skills he could apply at home, even on an ad hoc basis....

Coercive control is now viewed as seriously as other forms of DA so that may also change legal opinion ...keep his texts.

Wouldn't ever send a pic you're. not happy to send.
Get more advice
Surely by living with him your paying to keep him anyway so even if you had to pay going forward....which I can't see...your still in the same situation but forced to live with and communicate with the nasty man.

You would have to be making a fortune to have to pay spousal maintenance, even then its a rare thing to be granted.

You're currently paying for everything and you're living with him and you're miserable.

Absolute worst case scenario you'd still need to give him money.

But at least you wouldn't be forced to live with him or be intimate with him.

It's still better than your life right now.

Your husband wants "collateral" from you in case you ever dump him. Those nude pictures will be used against you at some point.

Don't be naive and don't do it. And if you do it make sure your head/face is completely blurred.

I don't agree regards the long term maintenance.

I was in almost the exact reverse of your position; myself disabled at home with children, exH in good job, although we rented rather than owned our own home .

I received income related ESA, PIP (then DLA), child tax credits, housing benefit and council tax benefit. I was awarded spousal maintenance of £1 PER YEAR. The only reason I received that was because if his income increased hugely in the future, I could apply for a variation of the order rather than having to apply from scratch. I too am disabled to the extent I will never am able to work again.

PP's are correct in that spousal maintenance is rarely awarded these days, usually only in cases where one of the couple has excessively high earnings. Please consult a different solicitor ASAP.

Best of luck. 💐

I would get legal advice before deleting. It could be used as evidence.