Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

I can't work due to disability. My exh certainly doesn't support me for life. He doesn't even pay child maintenance. We had a normal divorce settlement, which I had to fight for. Good luck op

If you mean keep the peace by sending one no do not do that but keep everything else as peaceful as possible. You can’t protect them by doing it and they have to have some understanding of how he is. If he ruins their relationship by being like this that is on him

I'd wait until after the A levels to tell him, but you can press on with legal advice and other sorting out before then. I wish you all the best in escaping him.

New laws to better protect victims from abuse of intimate images - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
Probably someone has posted this already, sorry. I think when he realises you are serious and won't give in, he'll try anything to bring you back into line. Being able to quote the legal position might help you combat that.

Well done op for doing something about this disgusting man. It’s very strong and brave to finally start changing the dynamic in a controlling relationship.

I think you need to be aware that his controlling and manipulative behaviour might increase now that you have started setting boudaries and standing up to him. Just be aware and prepared.

I really hope you manage to make good steps to getting away from him.

@Ralphiesaurus your husband sounds like a disgusting pig of a man. I can’t offer any advice but just wanted to show support 💐 I’m sorry he’s putting you through this and I hope you manage to break away from him.

What a vile horrible man. As everyone else says -find a better solicitor and dump the sex pest. You deserve better. A lot better.

I bet he's selling the pictures. God what a pervert

The place to start re the sexual abuse is not with the police (unless he is found to have done a specific illegal activity like put the pics on porn sites or sexual assault).

OP needs to create a paper trail. Tell her GP and ask for counselling on the matter (perfectly legitimate in the circumstances). Then the GP can provide written evidence that @Ralphiesaurus reported sexual abuse to them on x date, and was referred for counselling for it.

OP can also note what dates she was in touch with da support services.(Keep any emails).

? MS isn’t terminal, most patients have normal life expectancy although it can shorten lifespan by 5-10 years. But that can be related to complications and lack of exercise than the disease itself.

You've had some great advice on here. What really turned my stomach is that he is the father of daughters. How the hell would he feel if one of them was in a relationship where their partner was asking for nude pictures in return for buying garlic bread 🤮. I tell my DCs never send anyone a picture you wouldn't show granny. Utterly grim and I'm glad you are starting to realise this is not on you.

Courts always try to get a clean break settlement, both sides get a share of the marital assets, house, pensions, savings etc ,there may be child maintenance otherwise you go your separate ways. Spousal maintenence may involve many years of wrangling and upset best avoided.

Dont get the police involved unless serious harm is being caused because it will harden attitudes and even if he gets convicted and jailed the divorce problem remains. Until a resolution is found separate bedrooms would be a good idea.

There's no way on earth you'd be compelled to support him forever because he can't work. I don't believe any lawyer said anything of the sort.

He sounds hideous.

I don’t know much about spousal maintenance but I’d have thought it was more applicable to a situation where a spouse had given up work to be the home maker/childcarer during the marriage and thereby been deprived of earning potential, not due to health reasons meaning he can’t work. I’d seek different legal advice. As other have said, you’re paying for him now anyway, so even if you do, would it not be better to be away from him?

This is so terrible. I know a couple who exchange intimate photos but it is mutual and consensual. No one owes anyone such images, husband or no and emotional blackmail and wheedling should never be part of intimacy.

Good luck on the legal side, OP. A friend pays maintainance for his children but the court didn't order him to pay for his ex to live. I know your situation is very, very different but I'd be very surprised if you were expected to pay for your husband ad infinitum. All the best.

This is awful OP, I'm so sorry. It's good that you're realising how very very bad things have been/are.

If I were you I would be going through my phone and saving as many demands for pics, and anything else along those lines as I could. I would be going to my solicitor with written retrospective statements about times when you have been coerced in any way, whether sexually or otherwise. I would write up the conversations you've had where he coerced you into staying by threatening to take the kids away. I would find a solicitor who can see immediately that he has been exercising coercive control and who will make a case on that basis. I think (though am not a lawyer) that the existence of coercive control will mean that the settlement is approached by the court in a very different way.

And, aside from the impact on the way the case is heard, I think he will behave very differently in terms of his own demands once he knows that this is the approach your solicitor intends to take.

Fuck that abusive fucker - he will not like the taste of his own medicine.

You poor thing OP. I hope your life changes for the better soon (ie you divorce). Well done on the sobriety. Keep going.

OP, even if you do end up paying spousal maintenance it will be assessed on income and outgoings. You need to take the kids with you, you’re going to be financially responsible for them until 18, longer if in education. Rent a house, an expensive one if needs be so that your outgoings are high and then the maintenance will be calculated on disposable income, make sure you don’t have a huge amount left over and the payments to him will be minimal. In theory if you have the children he should be paying maintenance for them so if he is unable that will be taken into account too. Find a rental and just move out with the kids. This man is vile and as others have said his cc texts will be good evidence in the divorce. Good luck but please leave him for your sake and the children.

He doesn’t work, does fuck all, is sexually coercive, abusive…

See a much better solicitor, immediately, and consider reporting him to the police for any sexual coercion.

The idea that you’d have to pay the lazy fucker for life is galling, and cannot be right, surely?

Hi @Ralphiesaurus

Just for information:- Someone with MS whose symptoms are progressed enough to be receiving PIP (DLA) & already medically retired (you said he's already receiving small pension) is unlikely to have a long prognosis (number of years left)

I'm just mentioning that fact

Glad you are refusing his constant demands for sexual photos, that is upsetting you. He's being a sex pest. No means no. Glad WA are supporting you.

At age 14 your youngest DD can decide who she wants to live with . Id be working in my relationship with my DCs and not letting him alienate me. Be the involved mum who takes her out to hobbies you share and lovely active places her manipulative father can't take her "Ralpasaurusfamily girls days out"
Id be very careful at making sure neither DC feels they need to become their Dad's carer.

Sorry OP, just caught up on your posts. Once you have a lightbulb moment everything else shows up and that’s it you see it all clearly. Post a levels this year really will come around quick and you can start the ball rolling now.

First rule of benefits vs tax. Families are taxed as individuals . Benefits are based of household income.
In my case with a ex h not working due to severe and enduring mental illness and me working as just inside the higher rate tax band to support a family of 4 indivudually (I didn’t agree to him giving up work at age of 41😡), we were taxed based on my allowances only, leaving his personal tax allowance unused, but we didn’t qualify for disability benefits as 1) I was working full time to keep roof over our heads despite him needing me at a other end of phone whenever and essentially 24/7 carer and 2) I was earning too much and our household income before tax meant e received nothing despite him not having any income at all.
the only exception was old school PIP which he qualified for in first year after diagnosis of his illness, and then they asked him to attend interview to apply in second year and he refused as he thought state was spying on him - same reason as he didn’t ver apply the unemployment benefit despite at times (between psychotic crisis) being capable f doing some work

familes in are situation are often caught in this trap- where one partner “steps up” to try to maximise income to support their family where partner is suddenly too ill to work.