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Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

358 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
terfinthewild · 09/04/2023 10:56

Start getting yourself together. Document everything. Every unreasonable demand. Every time you see him do something that is contrary to his disability. Move your savings around, see a financial advisor who can tell you the best way to protect it. Then get a good solicitor and file for divorce. Good luck. And please don't send him any naked pics unless you want to. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

tryandfindmenow · 09/04/2023 10:41

Good to hear you've turned a corner on this one.. get some good advice and grey rock that fucker. Be careful because from my own personal experience once they know your mind is made up and there's no going back it will likely get nasty. Get that advice, get that back up plan ready and be strong. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and very controlling.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/04/2023 10:25

I'm glad you've woken up to how bad your marriage is Op and you've made a good start looking into all the help available. When you feel bad for not smoothing things over just remember this is how he's kept you in line for so long, he'll upgrade the sulking soon so be prepared. He has a lot more to lose than you so he'll be prepared to fight, don't let him knock you off track, the more you can see his manipulations the easier it will be to hold firm. Please keep posting and let MN support you

mach2 · 09/04/2023 08:20

Is it weird to also feel sad about all of this? Like waking up and realising your life has been a sham…

No. It's perfectly normal and understandable to feel like that. After all, when starting out we all hope for something far better than how it sometimes (often!) ends up. What could have been.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 09/04/2023 08:16

And yes, @mathanxiety to speaking to Women’s Aid. They are on my list for Tuesday. I’m not sure about involving the police yet as I am concerned about how quickly things will move and want to protect a bit of time and peace around DD1s A-Levels, but I see it is serious and will take WA advice on that. Thank you (and everyone on this thread) for your wise words and support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 09/04/2023 08:13

He’s still sulking! 😮

This is very illuminating. I want to try to see it with curiosity and detachment, rather than get sucked into the parent-petulant child dynamic he seems to be setting up. It’s odd how easily I fall into wanting to placate him, to “make things ok”, and how anxiety-making I find it not to.

To those who posted about The Freedom Project, thank you. I have read a bit about it and will look into it further. I’ll also look into being “grey rock”. I fear it won’t be enough as I have enabled his behaviour for so many years so he will tell the difference and not be happy with it, but we shall see.

I have confided in one close real-world friend. She knew about the previous attempt to leave in 2016 and is amazing. I may tell one other, who also knew about things back then as well.

I don’t think he can hurt me physically any more now I have found my voice to say “no” to doing anything sexually I don’t want to. His disability means I could outrun him. But he is physically very strong - upper body strength - from the wheelchair. But I hear you all about what he might do with the pictures. I can’t allow myself to be afraid of that though as I need to move forward. It would be an offence to post them anywhere, and if my work were to find out I am sure they would be sympathetic to me as it reflects worse on him, I think.

Anyway, as things progress I will tell work - not the detail - but about getting divorced. They have an excellent record for supporting people with difficult life events, so I think I am ok there - and I have a great relationship with my boss, which helps.

Is it weird to also feel sad about all of this? Like waking up and realising your life has been a sham…

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/04/2023 01:05

You need to report this scumball to the police.

The behaviour around the nude pics is coercive control. It may even be a sexual offense on top of that.

Call Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

Get advice on how to report this.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2023 01:02

If you think he'd use your 'alcoholism' against you in a divorce fight, wait til you see what he'd do with nude selfies...

OldFan · 08/04/2023 23:15

You're doing great @Ralphiesaurus x

Two months until your oldest finishes her exams. You could see a lawyer and support services sneakily, therapist or whatever you can to prepare and make you feel like something's happening, then on 9th June or whatever start to show him what life is going to look like in future, or however you want to time it.

You could do some fantasy flat hunting online (as long as you think you can do it without him finding out.)

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/04/2023 21:34

See him going upstairs as a good thing rather than a punishment. Go and make yourself a cuppa and find something that only you would enjoy on the tv, maybe a rom com he'd hate, start to see his absences as a blessing rather than a punishment. Go to bed when you a r e good and ready

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 08/04/2023 21:10

No, unfortunately we don't have a spare bedroom, @Nanny0gg

And in any case I am trying to keep this quiet(ish) for now so as not to upset DD1's A-levels.

He has just gone upstairs to bed, leaving me in the lounge - without acknowledging me. It maybe sounds like nothing, but it is deliberate.

I am trying not to knee-jerk react to "make things ok" - which is what I always used to do. I have done some work on codependency in the past re my relationship with my mother. I now see there is a LOT more work to do.

But information is good, right?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/04/2023 17:42

Ralphiesaurus · 08/04/2023 08:10

Thanks, @StopStartStop and @Weallgottachangesometime

I can already tell I need to be careful (which is telling in itself). I was out with my two daughters yesterday and my eldest asked me “what’s wrong with Dad? He’s been in a weird mood all day, really quick to get annoyed”.

I said I wasn’t sure. But I witnessed it later on when he shouted across my younger daughter for something really really trivial. I called him out on it, as she was really (rightly) shocked.

This will be his next tactic I guess - bullying the girls if I don’t step into line with the pics etc. It’s horrible now I see it so clearly.

But I don’t want to start divorce proceedings before DD1 has done her A-levels. Her last one is on 8 June so do I try to keep the peace til then?

You can put the wheels in motion...

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2023 17:41

Ralphiesaurus · 08/04/2023 07:18

So this is how it goes. This is how he keeps me in line. He asked about having sex this morning and I declined. Didn’t make up an excuse or anything, because I am trying to be more assertive. I just said that “I’m still feeling weird about the picture thing the other day.”

He said he couldn’t see why. “You said no and that’s the end of it”.

”Great!” I said.

But I heard the tone of his voice (and have noted that if he asks me for a pic again I can now remind him he knows I said no).

Anyway, I fell back asleep. Then was woken up a bit later (it’s still only 7am so the earlier conv was hours ago) and he’s doing his MS physio exercises on the bed, banging and huffing and stretching.

I asked him why he couldn’t have waited until later maybe and let me sleep?

He didn’t apologise for waking me. Just got annoyed and left the room, awkwardly closing the door behind him without turning back to look at me (this is complicated to do but even more so when you have balance issues).

He’s now loudly unloading the dishwasher. The kitchen is under DD1s bedroom. We were all meant to be having lie-ins today.

Well I say this is how he keeps me in line, but that should be past tense. I have defeated two bullies (different circs) in the past five years. I have changed.

Don't suppose you have a spare bedroom?

billy1966 · 08/04/2023 17:19

Mirabai · 08/04/2023 12:22

It’s also that different solicitors give different advice. You can get quite sexist ones.

Show quote history

Absolutely.

Call Womens aid for advice, ask for solicitor recommendations in your area that are experienced in abusive and Coercive control, which is now a crime.

RJ57 · 08/04/2023 15:51

He sounds like a real piece of work. I think you're right to try and keep the stability, but as others have said, make plans and watch your back and your laptop / phone. When he shouts at them, take note of the time and place and what was said and any other abusive behaviour like asking for more pictures or threats. It will come in handy when you get to court.

As for the tears over what could have been, I've been there myself, but I got away, lost a fortune, but avoided the maintenance payments and restarted my life from scratch (I had nowhere to live or anything to my name, I was cleaned out). Since that time, I have had the happiest times of my life. Yes, its been hard and its been upsetting to look back and wish, but what happened happened and it could have been worse... I could have still been there.

I've seen my partner since. Despite having the house and money, they are now in debt and addicted and they look... unattractive. That cheers me up when I think about the adulterous bastard.

Mirabai · 08/04/2023 12:22

MrsRickAstley · 08/04/2023 12:05

See another solicitor that will do what you tell them to. The divorce scene has moved on since 2016.

Also LTB.

It’s also that different solicitors give different advice. You can get quite sexist ones.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/04/2023 12:20

Can you do the Freedom Programme in the meantime?

MrsRickAstley · 08/04/2023 12:05

See another solicitor that will do what you tell them to. The divorce scene has moved on since 2016.

Also LTB.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 08/04/2023 12:00

@TheVolturi I am so sorry you have been through similar. Mine used to take videos when I was drunk 😪. He would claim he had asked for consent but I believe the law around consent says that anyone under the influence of drink or drugs is automatically incapable of consent. I don’t have any evidence of this though so I need to focus on the more recent stuff.

@Mirabai Grey rock is a good idea, thank you.

and yes, I realise more and more that he’s a bully.

I remember, years ago, working for an organisation where we had an excellent, and slightly intimidating, female head of dept. One of my colleagues whispered to me how it was awful that she was so excellent at her job but was really bullied by her husband at home. Everyone knew. I remember feeling so sorry for her and wondering how anyone could ever let that happen to them…

Thing is, I was in a controlling relationship before! Years ago. Eventually broke off the engagement and felt I had dodged a bullet. I definitely need some therapy on this.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/04/2023 10:22

Ralphiesaurus · 08/04/2023 08:10

Thanks, @StopStartStop and @Weallgottachangesometime

I can already tell I need to be careful (which is telling in itself). I was out with my two daughters yesterday and my eldest asked me “what’s wrong with Dad? He’s been in a weird mood all day, really quick to get annoyed”.

I said I wasn’t sure. But I witnessed it later on when he shouted across my younger daughter for something really really trivial. I called him out on it, as she was really (rightly) shocked.

This will be his next tactic I guess - bullying the girls if I don’t step into line with the pics etc. It’s horrible now I see it so clearly.

But I don’t want to start divorce proceedings before DD1 has done her A-levels. Her last one is on 8 June so do I try to keep the peace til then?

Something to remind him off when he starts with the custody crap and the fact they're old enough to choose who they live with.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 08/04/2023 10:11

He is a vile bully, he's throwing a wobbly because his bullying is no longer working.

I couldn't even bring myself to share a bed with him, he basically sees you as a play thing for his sexual gratification.

Mirabai · 08/04/2023 10:05

I would focus on it only being 2 months until you can get the ball rolling. “Grey rock” until then.

TheVolturi · 08/04/2023 09:55

My husband, now seperated, did this the whole time we were together. But he preferred videos. And always demanded them at inappropriate/impossible times. It was often easier to just do it.
It was just one of the ways he controlled me.

GabriellaMontez · 08/04/2023 09:48

He sounds disgusting.

I think you may have a different experience with a new solicitor.

Don't do anymore nudes.

Respond to your daughters honestly. "I don't know! He does seem a bit grumpy " and change the subject. Or "I asked and he said nothings wrong ". Hopefully when he doesn't get a reaction he'll drop the sulking.

I understand you want to protect your dd for the next few weeks. But eventually they need to see him for what he is.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 08/04/2023 09:01

@Quartz2208 no I def won’t send him a pic or message, just meant I want to try to keep things calm.

@blubberball thank you for sharing your experience, which sounds like it was difficult. Helps to know though that he can’t just expect everything to go in his favour because of the MS.

OP posts:
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