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Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

358 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 21:41

I hear you on the societal expectations around sex and marriage, @Davros It’s really difficult when you just don’t want to. At all. I have suggested couples counselling more than once over the years but he just won’t have it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 21:38

And to the PP who asked earlier, he is capable of putting a simple meal together. He can even cook bolognese/chilli from scratch! But has never learned any other recipes. I help with chopping veg. But the default is he assumes I will cook… and my friend today reminded me that he was always like this, even before the MS diagnosis. Don’t get me started on things like toilet cleaning or even wiping surfaces.

His balance isn’t the best, and he gets fatigued easily. I really do cut him some slack over this as I know it isn’t his fault, and it must be hard to live with. But he definitely also uses his disability to his advantage at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 21:34

Didn’t do so well “grey rock” wise earlier. I felt annoyed about having to cook dinner when he and the girls have been off all day and I was working. However instead of being all martyrish I actually told him how I felt it was unfair and why. He then did a tit-for-tat on the number of meals I’ve cooked over the holidays and how it wasn’t actually that many, and it got very petty indeed. He just can’t stand me standing up for myself. Wow.

Weirdly, though, he went back to all sweetness and light just before I served up?!?!

Tried Women’s Aid as well as the solicitors today but couldn’t get through. Will try again tomorrow.

OP posts:
Davros · 11/04/2023 21:34

When I read your OP the first thing I thought was "medication side effects" but maybe yours is just horrible! Although I know why my DH carries on like he does, it doesn't make it OK and, of course, because we're married we are supposed to want sex with eachother. I don't! My feelings are just as important as his but society expects sexual with eachother, regardless of our age, ability and health

WulyJmpr · 11/04/2023 21:18

Well done OP you're an inspiration and a great example of why women should always keep their financial independence- you can be free of him and his awful behaviours.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 21:09

Ah ok, so totally different then? I am sorry you’re going through that. Parkinson’s must be very difficult to deal with, without difficult drug side-effects on top! Thank you for sharing your experience.

OP posts:
Davros · 11/04/2023 20:57

My DH has Parkinson's and several of the drugs can cause this

  • Ropinrole is the worst, he no longer takes this
  • Radagiline, he takes a small amount
  • Levadopa which is essential in PD and this has to be strictly controlled. He recently started taking way too much and had a psychotic episode which centred around hallucinations of me doing all sorts of sex-related things
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 20:54

Oh that's really interesting, @Davros Can I ask what the medication is? My DH is on regular treatment for his MS: two daily drugs, plus six-weekly intravenous infusions. I would feel dreadful if it turned out this behaviour was a side-effect!

OP posts:
Davros · 11/04/2023 20:03

I have some problems similar to this with sexpectations which I find totally off putting. DH takes medication that can cause excessive sexualisation and/or reckless behaviour. For a long time I semi-tolerated it but it made me very unhappy. I no longer put up with it but it causes conflict. Drs are very aware that this is a side effect but nobody wants to know unless you make a stand. For ages it was quite "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" but I've stopped keeping quiet. He still thinks he is normal and I am not

CombatBarbie · 11/04/2023 19:34

Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 17:09

Today I've made initial enquiries of two specialist lawyers (who deal with domestic abuse and divorce). I have also worked 9-5, and done some important paperwork for something else (legal - not worrying, but needs to be handled properly) ongoing. He has sat on the sofa playing on his phone, took the dog out earlier briefly, and did a load of washing, so there's that. He got our daughters to make lunch and has asked me to make dinner. God, I'm a mug!

I'd have shoved a pan up his arse and one down his throat and clanged them together (unless his disability means he can't physically cook)

Antiquiteas · 11/04/2023 17:25

I really hate him for you, OP. You and your girls deserve to be free of him. Awful, awful man.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 17:09

Today I've made initial enquiries of two specialist lawyers (who deal with domestic abuse and divorce). I have also worked 9-5, and done some important paperwork for something else (legal - not worrying, but needs to be handled properly) ongoing. He has sat on the sofa playing on his phone, took the dog out earlier briefly, and did a load of washing, so there's that. He got our daughters to make lunch and has asked me to make dinner. God, I'm a mug!

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 11/04/2023 12:20

Have you used coercive in any messages/conversations? If not He's either seen this thread, heard you on a call discussing this or is actually intelligent to know what he's doing

billy1966 · 11/04/2023 12:01

Abusive men are very sensitive to a shift in their victims.

He will have clocked the change in you.

Hence the coercive remark.

He knows well that he has been committing a crime.

Start texting him that you want him to stop touching you without permission, touching you when you sleep, touching you when you have asked him not to, putting pressure on you for pictures that make you feel uncomfortable.

Start texting him what you want him to stop doing and you will watch him get very nervous.

He knows well he is breaking the law.

Keep your phone/laptop etc., coded safely.

Things take time.

Use this time to get organised so you can be gone by the summer.

WifeMotherWorker · 11/04/2023 12:00

Best of luck over the next few months and stay focused on the end goal and the fact your life will be 100% better than it is now. Move forward guilt free and plan carefully… hide important documents, protect all your personal devices and get everything in order.
Good luck with everything!

pinkyredrose · 11/04/2023 11:34

I want to swear but am not sure Mumsnet allows that!

You absolutely can swear! The person you married is an abusive fucking cunt!

potniatheron · 11/04/2023 11:03

Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 07:23

I can’t access his phone: he never leaves it unattended, and he has a fingerprint lock screen. He doesn’t have a laptop.

He sent me a WhatsApp apology over the weekend, including something (oddly) about “not meaning to be coercive” (interesting choice of words) and then also turned up unexpectedly at an event I was partly leading, (I had invited him but he had said previously that it would be too difficult for him to get to it on his mobility scooter.)

Thing is, it’s too little, too late. I mean I am glad he has sort of apologised (he has form for never admitting to being in the wrong and I’ve brought that up with him before) - so he sort of gets that something is up at least. And turning up, actually putting himself out, was a real surprise and I was pleased he made the effort.

But I am so done… How much effort have I made all these years? Supporting us, paying the mortgage, massive commutes, cooking, cleaning, gardening, doing DIY?

The next few months will take all my acting skills. I’ve already realised how very often I have acquiesced when I didn’t want to. Every day something tiny happens and I find myself wondering if he will “realise”, if I say no.

I got irritated with him running his hands all over me last night in bed… and said could he please stop as I felt he was going on and on and on and on and trying to turn me on and I didn’t want it and he got angry. Raised his voice. Said he was only trying to make me feel nice. Went to turn over in a huff, but I called him out on it. Said why was he reacting like that? I just wasn’t in the mood. Something in my tone of voice made him see sense, and he tried to pass it off as him being “silly”.

It must seem so stupid to anyone on the outside. I mean it’s obvious this relationship is lopsided. Today I’m back at work but I know it will be a quiet day so in my breaks I am going to research lawyers (via Rights of Women/Women’s Aid) and also counsellors who deal with domestic abuse.

I think one reason I never saw it as abuse is that all the charities have names with “rape” or “domestic violence” etc. Reading through, I do realise he raped me in the past though (the drunken sex) and that a man doesn’t have to raise his fists to be an abuser. I want to swear but am not sure Mumsnet allows that!

He will absolutely put the charm on now OP and lovebomb you as you've made it obvious through your demeanour that his old manipulative tricks won't work any more. Your situation has many parallels with mine a decade ago right down to the drinking to cope, the manipulative pass-agg behaviour, and the fact that I was a high earner supporting us both and my work was suffering.

I left him, it was nasty, he made is nasty, I had to pay a lump sum. 10 years on I am sober, thriving and doing way better financially than I would have done had a I stayed with him, even with the payout, because my mental state is so much better and my career has come on leaps and bounds.

All of that to say, stay strong and keep looking a gorgeous flats and imagining yourself in them. Grit your teeth because the actual separation will be tough and he will undoubtedly be as difficult as he can (although you may e surprised. When it came to the crunch my ex was so flabbergasted that I had the temerity to leave that he ended up backing down on a lot of things.). BUT the end result will be so, so worth it.

jeaux90 · 11/04/2023 09:22

I just wanted to say to you that your life is going to be so much better when you get through the other side of this.

I remember vividly that feeling I had 13 years ago walking through the door of my flat into a world without him in it.

That feeling of peace and freedom is palpable still all those years later.

pointythings · 11/04/2023 09:08

The scales have well and truly fallen from your eyes - well done.

Mumsnet absolutely does allow swearing, as long as you don't swear at another poster. So vent away, let this be your safe place and yes, protect all your passwords.

MinnieGirl · 11/04/2023 08:49

Be very careful about protecting your phone/iPad/laptop etc, so he can’t get in. Change passwords or activate fingerprint recognition. He may well clock onto the fact that something has changed and you need to be careful….

Is there somewhere you can store important items? Work, a good friends house? You need to start discretely getting documents etc out of the house.
Look at moving your savings, or at least protecting them. And any jewellery or personal items you really wouldn’t want to loose.

You say you don’t want to upset your daughters A-levels but you could find a good solicitor and start the process. Someone recommended by a woman’s aid group would be good. They can give you advice regarding protecting your assets and what to do with any joint savings. They will also be able to advise on the mortgage and any payments needed. You can make it very clear that you don’t want to start the process until after the A-levels, but no reason why things can’t be going on in the background.

You also need to tell your solicitor about the nude pictures. Once you start divorce proceedings you could then report to the police so it’s in record. They probably won’t do anything at this stage, but it’s documented so if he escalates or threatens to use them you can take action.

Goodluck!

rockingbird · 11/04/2023 08:32

Delighted to read your seeing this through different eyes. I never saw myself in a domestic violence situation until the little jigsaw pieces were slowly put together. The level of coercive control was massive and also a bit alarming once I woke up to it. Quietly make your enquiries and get your plan in place. You may continue to notice a shift in his behaviour, once the game is up and the penny drops he'll start the love bombing all over again. Ignore it! Your done here, you just need a full proof exit strategy.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 11/04/2023 07:23

I can’t access his phone: he never leaves it unattended, and he has a fingerprint lock screen. He doesn’t have a laptop.

He sent me a WhatsApp apology over the weekend, including something (oddly) about “not meaning to be coercive” (interesting choice of words) and then also turned up unexpectedly at an event I was partly leading, (I had invited him but he had said previously that it would be too difficult for him to get to it on his mobility scooter.)

Thing is, it’s too little, too late. I mean I am glad he has sort of apologised (he has form for never admitting to being in the wrong and I’ve brought that up with him before) - so he sort of gets that something is up at least. And turning up, actually putting himself out, was a real surprise and I was pleased he made the effort.

But I am so done… How much effort have I made all these years? Supporting us, paying the mortgage, massive commutes, cooking, cleaning, gardening, doing DIY?

The next few months will take all my acting skills. I’ve already realised how very often I have acquiesced when I didn’t want to. Every day something tiny happens and I find myself wondering if he will “realise”, if I say no.

I got irritated with him running his hands all over me last night in bed… and said could he please stop as I felt he was going on and on and on and on and trying to turn me on and I didn’t want it and he got angry. Raised his voice. Said he was only trying to make me feel nice. Went to turn over in a huff, but I called him out on it. Said why was he reacting like that? I just wasn’t in the mood. Something in my tone of voice made him see sense, and he tried to pass it off as him being “silly”.

It must seem so stupid to anyone on the outside. I mean it’s obvious this relationship is lopsided. Today I’m back at work but I know it will be a quiet day so in my breaks I am going to research lawyers (via Rights of Women/Women’s Aid) and also counsellors who deal with domestic abuse.

I think one reason I never saw it as abuse is that all the charities have names with “rape” or “domestic violence” etc. Reading through, I do realise he raped me in the past though (the drunken sex) and that a man doesn’t have to raise his fists to be an abuser. I want to swear but am not sure Mumsnet allows that!

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 10/04/2023 14:43

If he ever shared those pics it's classed as revenge porn and is a big thing just now. May have missed a post but can you access his phone/laptop to delete them?

OldFan · 09/04/2023 18:36

Don't expect much of the police. I say this due to my experience of reporting sex offences.

By all means report it, but if you go into it not expecting much, you will come out of it better than you otherwise would.

And if they are helpful, that's a bonus.

CaveatmTOR · 09/04/2023 18:19

When you are free to progress this OP, go to the police in the first instance. This is for two reasons. First, if he has committed an offence against you, it will be so much easier to divorce him. Two, he will likely escalate and become dangerous to you. If you have already been to the police, if he escalates, they will already be aware of your situation.

You will need to get super organised but I suspect between now and then, he will continue to coercively control you and this will mean you have a tonne more evidence against him.

Be careful he doesn't find this thread or cop on to what you are planning. You need the upper hand in all things now and make sure he can't wipe all the evidence off your phone too. Maybe get a mate to take screen shots on their phone for you?

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