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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

358 replies

Ralphiesaurus · 06/04/2023 08:58

So... long history of this. I won't bore you all but my DH has always had a thing about sexting and nude pics etc (to be clear - with me!). I hate it. There is a bit of an odd dynamic in our relationship, with him having had to give up work years ago because of a disability and at one point me really resenting a massive commute (no chance of us moving nearer to my work, oh no...) and also being furious that he would pester and pester and pester me for sexts on my train journeys.

Anyway, lots of other stuff - coercive stuff around sex, really unhealthy - and back in 2016 I actually ended up exploring getting a divorce. Selfishly, though, when my solicitor told me I'd be unlikely to get a clean break, and would have to pay him maintenance for life, I backed out and decided to try to fix things as best I could. At the time I was drinking quite a bit (but never missed work or anything) and he threatened to use my "alcoholism" against me in the divorce to make sure I wouldn't get custody of "his" (our) children.

So now he does what chores he can manage (he used to do nothing) and we rub along ok. And I gave up alcohol completely almost four years ago, so there's that.

Anyway, I am on a short break away with my eldest DD (for uni) and my DH kept on and on and ON at me for a nude pic. I almost did it this morning and then something in me rebelled and I said "no". He is now furious!!

I know everyone will likely say "LTB" - esp as my children are now much older - 14 and almost 18 - but the lawyer I saw that time made it sound so clear that I would have to support him - forever - as he can't work. And I can't stomach that.

FFS how did I get into such a dreadful mess? I was a totally committed feminist in my younger days and yet this has crept up on me.

And the worst of it? I feel bad for standing up for myself!!! 😮WTF is that all about?! AIBU to expect him to understand that I hate taking pics of myself (full stop - but especially) naked?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 07/07/2026 17:42

Just resurrecting this briefly to say I filed for divorce in March and am almost through the first 20 week period. I did it!!!!!!!!

Also have to give credit to a better lawyer than the one who gave me terrible advice years ago (did my research and she is excellent), IDVA, and counsellor. Also have done The Freedom Programme. I feel like I am getting my life back!

OP posts:
Coulditreallybe · 19/04/2023 22:41

No I know lovely that was me 🤣 xx

CaveatmTOR · 19/04/2023 22:03

OldFan · 12/04/2023 02:02

DH takes medication that can cause excessive sexualisation and/or reckless behaviour

@Davros I wonder how much he's using that as an excuse to do what he wants to do to you. Then he can just blame the meds.

Either way he should be on different meds if they're making him a pest. There are usually several medications doctors can try for a condition.

Agree with this. NHS docs start you on the cheap stuff and only change if there's an issue.

Of course there are some men that just come up with bullshit excuses for their piss poor behaviour too.

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 19/04/2023 19:57

Yep am def chanelling this, don't worry! Just saw someone was asking how I am so I replied...

OP posts:
Coulditreallybe · 19/04/2023 18:41

Use that anger to get yourself and your girls (after her a level exams?) to a better place! Xx

mainsfed · 19/04/2023 18:20

Please get rid of this waste of space. Get a lawyer!

Original poster
Ralphiesaurus · 19/04/2023 18:17

I'm ok, thanks, @Coulditreallybe - just trying to get through the days and at times finding it really hard not to just lose it at him. I am so sad and so angry. Why have I let myself be treated like this all these years? Sent an enquiry to a counsellor but she hasn't replied yet (over a week) so I probably need to find some other alternatives. Just raging at times at his sense of bloody entitlement, while I have done all the practical stuff, for years...

OP posts:
Coulditreallybe · 16/04/2023 19:35

So hope youre ok @Ralphiesaurus

Clarabell77 · 16/04/2023 09:02

savethatkitty · 16/04/2023 08:50

You can google tit pics & send. He'll never know there not yours. I did this with my DH, we've been married 17yrs & he wasn't able to identify the pic I sent wasn't me.

Why would you just not say no?

TealSapphire · 16/04/2023 09:02

Yeah it's not the medicine. He's just an arsehole.

savethatkitty · 16/04/2023 08:50

You can google tit pics & send. He'll never know there not yours. I did this with my DH, we've been married 17yrs & he wasn't able to identify the pic I sent wasn't me.

Clarabell77 · 16/04/2023 08:50

He sounds like a creep. You’re basically being sexually harassed in your marriage.

Your children are old enough now to decide who they want to live with.

Agree with everyone else, get another lawyer and leave him.

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/04/2023 08:46

I want to swear but am not sure Mumsnet allows that!

You're new here aren't you?

😂

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/04/2023 08:43

Ralphiesaurus · 09/04/2023 08:13

He’s still sulking! 😮

This is very illuminating. I want to try to see it with curiosity and detachment, rather than get sucked into the parent-petulant child dynamic he seems to be setting up. It’s odd how easily I fall into wanting to placate him, to “make things ok”, and how anxiety-making I find it not to.

To those who posted about The Freedom Project, thank you. I have read a bit about it and will look into it further. I’ll also look into being “grey rock”. I fear it won’t be enough as I have enabled his behaviour for so many years so he will tell the difference and not be happy with it, but we shall see.

I have confided in one close real-world friend. She knew about the previous attempt to leave in 2016 and is amazing. I may tell one other, who also knew about things back then as well.

I don’t think he can hurt me physically any more now I have found my voice to say “no” to doing anything sexually I don’t want to. His disability means I could outrun him. But he is physically very strong - upper body strength - from the wheelchair. But I hear you all about what he might do with the pictures. I can’t allow myself to be afraid of that though as I need to move forward. It would be an offence to post them anywhere, and if my work were to find out I am sure they would be sympathetic to me as it reflects worse on him, I think.

Anyway, as things progress I will tell work - not the detail - but about getting divorced. They have an excellent record for supporting people with difficult life events, so I think I am ok there - and I have a great relationship with my boss, which helps.

Is it weird to also feel sad about all of this? Like waking up and realising your life has been a sham…

Is it weird to also feel sad about all of this? Like waking up and realising your life has been a sham…

When you feel like this, remind yourself that you have two beautiful children from this horrible relationship. (Beautiful roses grow from manure, you know.) What a great gift they are to you.

You will get to a good place - not saying it will be easy, but you will get there.

Flowers
CaveatmTOR · 14/04/2023 10:34

I agree with PP's. He will notice the change, no matter how much you try and hide the change. Texting asking him to stop his behaviours (as a PP said) is a very good idea.

When I decided to end it with my ex, he knew even though I went to great efforts to go 'grey rock'.

OldFan · 12/04/2023 02:10

I suppose Parkinson's can cause disinhibition in and of itself, too. Sad

OldFan · 12/04/2023 02:02

DH takes medication that can cause excessive sexualisation and/or reckless behaviour

@Davros I wonder how much he's using that as an excuse to do what he wants to do to you. Then he can just blame the meds.

Either way he should be on different meds if they're making him a pest. There are usually several medications doctors can try for a condition.

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 23:45

Does your DH pester you for pics?

Davros · 11/04/2023 22:40

Mirabai, I agree with you but it's worth considering. This has been happening to me on and off and to varying degrees for ten years

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 22:15

I could be wrong but I get the sense OP’s DH has always been like that, it doesn’t sound like a sudden response to a new drug.

Davros · 11/04/2023 22:07

We were both normal once! Since then I've had pelvic radiotherapy, which has had a terrible long term effect on my vulva (tmi!), I then had surgery including a vaginectomy so I'm altered inside as well! I had him trying to get me to sext when I was recovering in hospital from surgery "down below". He can't even achieve what he wants to. When he went really doolally I found boxes and boxes of viagra. He must have been taking it every day, possibly more than once a day. I threw it out

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 21:58

@Davros presumably your DH was normal and then developed the overly sexual behaviour once he started the drugs?

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 21:57

If he can make Bolognese then he can make lasagne, moussaka and shepherd’s pie..

TheLoveOfMoney · 11/04/2023 21:47

I don't have any advise but I really hope you can see a quality solicitor who will help you. Your husband is outrageous for using his disability as a stick to beat you with, you deserve a calm and happy home.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/04/2023 21:41

Next time he starts the tit for tat, just state that you're not talking about last week and only today, and he's more than welcome to raise any frustrations with you in the future if he feels that there is an imbalance of effort. Then leave it at that.

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