Don't want to do nude selfies for my DH

OP I don't want to alarm you but the fact he has a fetish for this and the fact he is so persistent, makes me worry he might be one of these guys "trading" images/video of their partners without their knowledge. So he may not want the images for his own "consumption", but to share online with other men who will then share their own "private" collection with him. This behaviour is incredibly addictive and it happens more than you might think, not just among teens - I have a friend whose pensioner relative was taking sexual pictures of his wife without her knowledge and sharing online. Please protect yourself.

In the short term, block him on your phone (when he acts like this) if he is literally pestering you like that treat him like any other pest. Long term, I really would seek alternative advice, that just sounds miserable op.

I suspect he’s demanding the pictures and messages in order to blackmail you if you try to leave.

You need legal advice, and should consider seeking support from women’s aid groups too.

His behaviour is coercive, and demanding you send naked pictures while he knows you are away with your teenage daughter is utterly nauseating.

He's coercive around sex! Has he/does he make you do things you don't want to do?

Please put yourself first. Get a new solicitor. There's no way you'd be expected to financially support him . You need to leave for your own sanity.

What's your housing situation, in both names/joint?

Ps I don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting to send nudes. I did a boudoir photo shoot and loved it but wouldn't send selfie nudes - so unflattering regardless of the danger of them being shared etc! And that's with a DH I love.

Gross. I cannot imagine how put off I would be if DH did this while I was away with my DC. I wouldn't go back. Leave op, there is literally nothing to be gained by staying.

@Ralphiesaurus

I know you said don't say LTB, but this really is a situation where you really need to. He's toxic, and controlling, and narcissistic, and borderline sociopathic. You really need to get your ducks in a row and start finding a way to get out of this relationship. It will destroy you.

I know people have different opinions on this, but there's no way in a million years that I would do any nude selfies or nude photographs for anybody. Nope. Not even my husband of 25 years plus. Never have, never would. You might say, 'if you had trust you would do it...' But I'm sorry, I don't trust anybody 100%, not even my husband. I trust him 99%, but what if we fell out or split up? How do I know he won't share the photos? If someone is hurt and angry and upset, they are capable of ANYthing.

PLUS, I know someone who showed my DH a photo the other day on his phone (at the pub - an acquaintance of his,) of a work colleague's wife. (The work colleague had sent it to this acquaintance of DH's.) She was totally naked, and blindfolded on the bed, with her legs open, everything showing, boobs, vulva, everything, and this man had taken a photo of her.

She knew he was taking it and believed it was just for HIS titillation, and here he is sending it to work colleagues, who are sending it to other men they know, who are showing it to other men in the pub. At LEAST half a dozen men have it now, and many more have seen it. This man in the pub asked if my DH wanted him to send it to him. He said 'no I fucking don't. I don't want some other man's wife's vulva on my phone ta...!' You can't trust anyone. Not 100%. Nope. Not even your husband/partner.

I don't understand your logic for not leaving. Surely whether you stay or leave you'll be supporting him forever? But if you stay you also have to spend more time with him.

Why would you support him? You didn't cause his disabilities.

As for the nudes 🤮 I'd have to block him until I got home.

Why would you have to support him. Spousal support doesn't exist unless you're extremely well off and he raised the children to support your career , does it?

Don't send nudes. If you get divorced and he gets angry he could post them anywhere.

This is exactly my thinking.

Things have changed over time OP. I don't think you'd be expected to maintain him for life because he could claim benefits. Much more likely a clean break. You'd probably have to share your pension though. Your kids are almost grown so you should be fine. He sounds a nasty little bully demanding nude pics of you. How do you know he does not share them online or swap pics of you for other pics? I'd be checking his phone if I could get in.

Don’t send nudes - he’ll use them against you at some point.
Get a good solicitor and LTB.

He sounds vile.

Why the hell would you want to stay married to an abusive creep like that?

See another solicitor and keep the texts emails that he sends asking you to send pics. Also make sure in the texts you say no every time and use this against him in your divorce. He could be prosecuted for it if you want to.

Don't put up with this abuse any longer.

As another poster said she is paying off her exes debt, so am I, but it's worth the split.

A good lawyer will help you. Shop around.

If the first solicitor was right then your choices are:

1. Stay with him (supporting him forever as I assume you pay for most things, having to put up with his vileness, living in a repressed state, teaching your daughters that this is fine)
2. Leave him(supporting him forever, but free and away from his vileness, you never have to see him again apart from maybe a wedding or two, no more sex pest, no more moods).

I genuinely can only see one option.

Get rid

God he sounds utterly grim.

Divorce him. Get a good solicitor, push for a clean break. Spousal is highly unlikely unless you are a very high earner.

Another saying get rid of him, you deserve so much better.
Reason 362 to never send nude pics to dp or dh you never know what might happen in the future.

Try a different solicitor for a start, but also make sure he hasn't saved your naked selfies etc!

Sexual coercion is repugnant. You're already financially supporting him. I'm sure that anything you would be expected to pay would be significantly lower.

LTB. your youngest is 14 now, he doesn't have the threat of taking the children away anymore.

While this would be horrible, it would also be very illegal of him.

He's sexually abusing you. And coercive control like pp said. See another solicitor, look at Women's Aid for advice/Freedom Programme etc.