To ask what actually changed when you had a second child

It's been an interesting read this thread. We've got one DD, 4 year old.

Selfishly I know she'd love being a big sister, but the thought of going through pregnancy again, birth, lack of sleep etc. I quite frankly, can't be bothered to do it all again.
Our DD has been incredibly easy, so I almost feel like I've cheated the whole thing and got away with it.
I keep telling myself if I have another it'll be the complete opposite, or my child will have severe SEN and our lovely lives will be turned upside down.
It's selfish really, and I'm loving our free time now. My DH and I having time for our hobbies etc.

You've got to do what's right for you really.

The sleep deprivation again is hard. And everything takes so much longer so we have to start soo much earlier getting ready go go anywhere, or be late (I hate lateness so just start getting ready unreasonably early for everything haha !)

Other than that not a great deal has changed so far BUT DS is only 6 weeks old and I’m not back to work yet.
also DD is 6 years old so the age gap has been amazing - she is helpful and independent ! Other than her own issues but she would have those whether he was here or not.

oh and financially it’s a struggle being on stat mat leave. And then childcare fees.. so we will be skint for a few years.

OP we have an age gap, which based on whats of people say it gets frowned upon. Ours is bang on 6 years. DS is 2-3yrs now and its great, honestly I wouldnt change it. He is hard work and is it is hard work but he is so much fun, DD, DH and all love playing with him age is no issue so dont let that stop you. My closest friend opted not to have another and her life is great in that she has more freedom but in a couple of years we will too. I dont think you would regret it and with PND you will be aware of this prior so speak to your doctor or Midwife about it. The big thing for us was we always wanted another child although we thought we had left it too late, but its not, its really not. Do whats right for you and your family and good luck with whatever you decide.

I am also the yougest by 6+years which for my parents was a joy as my siblings stopped wanted to hang with them in their teens but I didnt as I was so much younger.

What did you decide @TravelDazzle ?

I had the same visceral desire to have several more, but ex husband refused!

Actually, it was the same for me too. I absolutely did not want to be a couple with a child. I wanted to have children and all the glorious full-on chaos that goes with that (especially when they are close in age).

Our daughter was four and we had twins which made everything so much harder and expensive. I felt my daughter was pushed out because I was always busy with a baby and I've always regretted that. I did my best but I wish I had more time for her

I have a four and a half year age gap. Girl first and then a boy. Age gap worked well for us. Second baby was so much easier as I knew what I was doing and wasn’t stressed which babies can sort of sense. Summer with the new baby and getting used to being a family of four and then my dd started school. She loved school and was happy to go and I had the days at home with ds so he got lots of attention.
I had kept all baby stuff and had bought everything pretty neutral for dd so could hand that down to ds but as they got older hand-me-downs got less so there was an additional cost there and with all out of school activities, food etc.
They are now adults. They rubbed along quite easily with each other as small children but then grew apart as teenagers as they are completely different personalities. Dd is quiet and ‘nerdy’ (as her brother would say) and ds is sporty and the most popular kid at school. But we are going away to a hotel for a few days at Easter and they still both want to come and are very happy to share a room, I’m fact they insisted on it.
I was debating having a second dd for a long time but I don’t regret it at all.

DS1 is 4 and DS2 is just home. I felt deeply I wanted two, DP was happy with one but also happy to try for two if it was important for me.

I had a horrific experience and DS2 was born at 27 weeks, then in NICU for 12. Now he's 2 weeks corrected and we're all home. It's both what I expected and not - I knew DS1 would struggle but I didn't expect that I would feel so guilty about it. And I knew DS2 wouldn't get the level of individual attention that DS1 got but I didn't expect to feel guilty about that! I do think the age gap works in that DS1 understands (while hating) that sometimes he has to wait, and he's at the age where he loves play dates so we can get some time without feeling like we're getting rid of him. I would have really struggled if he was any younger than 3.5 I think in terms of his individual needs.

I think in all honesty life would be easier if I'd been happy with one, but I really wanted two!

I have a 2yo and 4 yo, I found with DS2 age 6-12 months was the hardest time since having a child. I really struggled and wondered why we had a second.
If I only had my 4yo now I don't think I'd have another. Because the youngest is so much harder work than the 4yo, he pours drinks on the floor for no reason/throws things/ i have to go through potty training again etc

Honestly the way I feel right now I would recommend others to stick at 1 if they are unsure. There's the risk of a difficult baby such as a non sleeper, or having multiples, or a baby with a disability, which despite the fact you'd love this child/children with all your heart they can alter your life in a negative way

I might feel differently in the future when my youngest is a bit older. He also doesn't go to nursery which probably contributes to my feelings

My second was twins so a bit different and I have 4 years between them and first. (Not out of choice but due to infertility) But not much changed really - finances obviously took a hammering and then no parent really gets a break. If you have one child the other parent always gets some downtime. You have more than one child then downtime becomes less or even non existent. Especially as they get older and constant school events, hobbies, social events and so on

I would say if you are going to have another I wouldn't delay a year. Your child could be 5 or older by the time a sibling came along and it will feel more like starting again than if you had had say 2 years. Your going back to the beginning of nappies and sleepless nights. The age gap means day trips/activities become more difficult as they are totally different age groups with different interests. Personally i wouldn't delay but then I never wanted just one child so it wasn't a decision to be agonised over

3.5 yr gap with mine. Despite an awful first birth and vowing never to go through that again I had a strong biological desire for a second child and for my first not to be an only. I couldn't rationalise that against pros and cons as the cons (sleeplessness, finances etc etc) would probably have outweighed the pros!

It's disappointing that the same old "that's a tricky age gap" trope is still being rolled out. In an ideal world people would have their second / third etc kids when they want to - that doesn't always work out with losses or secondary infertility.

22 months between my DC. I loathed being pregnant and wanted to get it all over with as soon as possible (also had a very traumatic birth with DC1, during which we both nearly died, followed by post natal anxiety). Having two was the best thing I ever did by a million miles (even though I've spent most of their lives refereeing between them). I didn't suffer at all from post-natal problems after DC2, thankfully. I had problems bonding with DC1, which I found immensely distressing, but didn't have any problems at all bonding with DC2. Good luck with your decision.

The second was far easier... as long as there are no more lockdowns!

Everyone's experience is going to be different.

I found going from 0 to first baby a doddle. First child was very happy and laid back, slept well and so on.

Then going from 1-2 was a massive shock. We had a 6 year age gap and going back to that newborn stage was tough. Second baby was completely different. Definitely a sleepless, couldn't be put down baby.

However, it all settled down in the end (sort of). The eldest turned into a moody teen and the baby turned into the perfect easygoing child (for now!).

The only thing I regret is leaving such a big gap, as they have nothing much in common. An age gap does have its benefits too so it's swings and roundabouts.

My second is an easy dream baby and slots in quite easily but it is a shock going back to sleeplessness and the demands of a baby after enjoying the relative independence of a four year old. There’s much less space/time to myself this time round even though DP has more leave this time: if he takes the baby, the four year old wants me! She’s become very clingy and suddenly wants me all the time in a way she didn’t before – natural but exhausting!

I do love watching her adore him though, and him gradually warm up to her. His baby giggle when she plays with him is lovely. And one on one time with her feels more valuable now, as time is scarce. Would love to go for a wee in peace again though…

1 feels like 1, 2 feels like 4 🤣. Saying that I wouldn't change him for the world. I found my 2 to have been most difficult at different stages, so while my 1st was quite difficult the first 3 months (acid reflux meant feeding often and really bad sleeper), my second one was sleeping 5 hours by week 4....I found it more difficult when baby number 2 started crawling (at around 5 months) , and trying to adhere to timings for the eldest, who was in nursery on very funny hours (12 to 3) meant breakfast at 8 then lunch at 11am and always in a mad rush to feed both of them and change the baby's nappy before walking at 11:40...once the eldest started school and the little one went to nursery when he was 18 months, and me back to work it felt a bit easier...

For me personally, I’d wanted a second but like you I had pnd (mild thankfully). But took two years to fully feel all the feelings with my oldest. With my second it was instantaneous, so my whole pregnancy was different. I got to enjoy the kicks and rolls, the straight after birth glow too. I also got to see my oldest in a whole new light and their relationship is adorable. (Oldest is 5 yrs youngest 15 months!)

@givemushypeasachance that was absolutely not my experience of a 3.5 year gap with an alpha, sporty boy and a diffident, more sensitive girl. DD had lots of one to one time because ds was at nursery when she was born and at school by the time she was 15 months. She quickly had her own younger sibling playground gang before she started school and a little chum would come home with us when ds had a play date.

They are 24 and 28 now. Their personalities have not changed, they still get on well.

I just wanted to add that I found the baby period a million times easier with my second. I really struggled with my first. I felt miserable and overwhelmed the whole time. She was a difficult baby. The first year DRAGGED! Everyone kept saying "oh it flies by!" but honestly her first year of life was the longest year of my life! With my second child it went by in the blink of an eye! I barely remember him being a baby. One minute he was a newborn, the next minute we were weaning, then he was a toddler. Any problem we experienced (colic, sleep regression etc) didn't feel like a big deal because we'd been there before and got through it.

OP I am glad the thread was helpful. For me/us having another child wasn't to be weighed up as a combination of pros and cons, it was a burning, visceral need.

Watching the two of them interact and grow up together has been the single best part of parenting.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. And I’m an only child, so wasn’t expecting it at all. (I admit I’m lucky to have two that get on well - I know it’s not a given.)

Smaller age gap here, but to answer your question - yes, you do go back to the beginning in a way, albeit in a different way as you already have a child with needs and wants to deal with. So it’s not like turning back time and is definitely a new chapter. In our case, it meant my DH built a much closer 1-1 bond with our older child as he’d take her out on his own for a few hours while I was sorting the baby (previously we’d have gone as a 3) and that was nice for them as they found “their” things to do. But she also very much grew into the big sister role, so the whole dynamic of the family changed and moved forward.

You obviously do get less time as a couple with two when they are very small. But when my two got a bit older, I was very conscious that we got more of it back as they would amuse each other and play together. So then it was much easier to carve out an hour or so for us to sit down and have a drink together (or whatever). Things are never static with kids.