To go straight to CMS?

Well it's fine, if he doesn't pay the first payment they will move to take it out his wages

Just block him, the money will turn up

Wowzers. This thread has been a ride. Well done on sticking it out OP. You're doing what is right by your DD. Your ex is a lowlife.

Do let us know when you get that first CMS payment!

He might refuse to pay and force the attachment of earnings order. However, that would mean his employer knowing he has such an order in place to CMS. It obviously wouldn’t give further details but he might find that embarrassing at work?

He isn’t going to get 50/50. Day you are still breastfeeding exclusively even if you aren’t. Stick to your guns and let it play out. Obviously keep all his messages.

Just sit tight. CMS are dealing with it. Worst case senario you're exactly where you are now because he's giving you nothing, you have zero to lose by leaving it open and letting them do their job even if it did get written off. You either have what you have now or gain money for your child.

He is ruining his own life by not fulfilling his legal bare minimum obligations to his child. You can total up how much you've spent on your child. How much you'll be spending a month on childcare, clothes, housing, heating etc. You are managing to pay for it, so clearly he can afford his (likely far less than 50%) contribution, he just doesn't want to.

If he doesn't pay they'll take it from the source, he can screw himself up changing jobs, becoming self employed and making it look like he earns nothing (which would become an issue for him should he want credit/mortgage/finance), he can leave the country. But he's the one inconveniencing himself to do so rather than simply doing his legal bare minimum as a parent of contributing to his childs upbringing. If he wants to play silly buggers let him play. Ignore his whinging. No need to make it easy for him by cancelling it. If he wants to not pay make him damn well work for it and inconvenience himself to do it.

They can take it at source OP

@ijustneedanamefgs yeah they can that's what OP is saying the CMS have to give the paying party opportunity to stick to paying 1st. What sort of job does he do OP? Unless he's self employed or willing to give up his job he will have to pay. Legally he has a moral obligation to pay for his daughter it does not matter how children come about the courts don't get into that.

Keep communication to a minimum I wouldn't engage about irrelevant things OP.

They can take it directly from wages can’t they? Unless he’s self employed or gives up his job. They have to give him a chance 1st though. He could stretch it out another while but hang in there. Hopefully you will get it ok, but at the very least don’t make it easy for him to avoid it.

Just let him blow off, default and let them deal with it. His life isn't your problem !

Ok, that’s really good that you’ve already reported. I would report again, as it’s relevant to add to the file. Also, if you have anything in your GP notes, get a hold of that.

Make Refuge your first port of call, it’s not what you might think, it’s very practical advice and like talking to a friend. They know the procedure inside out.

They may advise you to report to social services as well, as threatening behaviour to you does place your baby in risk, in the eyes of the authorities. This is the time to get your ducks in a row and you can do it.

The advice Refuge gave me was worth its weight in gold and led to a great outcome. I would never have reported and gone as “official” without their advice and that was the key to my success. They will also check in on you. I very nearly wimped out of reporting to social services and police as it all felt so dramatic and alien. They will guide you, and give your head a wobble when you start to slip back into thinking it’s all in your head.

You can do this @zzzzebra

its important to stop listening to him now. He will twist things and you are entitled to block him and mute him entirely

Do you have support and someone to talk to?

OP, I just wanted to add to my previous post;
I know all this talk of court is really scary, you’re sitting there with a newborn, which is hard enough.

One of the reasons I recommended reporting his coercive behaviour and manipulation (remember, that IS abuse!) is because this is your passkey to legal aid. I can’t remember what your financial position is, but in the event you incur any legal costs legal aid usually covers them 100% , so don’t let that worry you.

Refuge will explain all this to you, so I reiterate, give them a call.

I highly doubt he'll actually follow through with 50/50. No one will hand a new baby over to dad for 50/50, especially if you're breastfeeding, that's met her twice of his own accord. He lives too far away also.

I'd ignore him, and prepare a fuck you binder. Written timeline of everything. How many times he's visited, how long for, what he did to care for her (or refused to). How many times you've offered access and he's refused or not turned up. All his threats with the timeline. All the abusive messages and threats hes moved through - the taking to court, threatening to sabotage your job, denying paternity, the 50/50 as a 'threat' (bonus points if you have it in writing that he won't go for 50/50 if you drop the CMS claim), the whole 2 schools ridiculousness. A picture that he isn't acting in childs best interests and all about money. Consult a lawyer and take the binder with you.

If he won't pay CMS he won't spend the money to take you to court. Even if he did, he could take you to court any time even if you dropped CMS as he's babies dad. It would be a long process and you have a good case. You think he needs supervised contact as he has no relationship, 50/50 not appropriate as too far away to facilitate schooling. You want to work towards EOW and half holidays.

Also, make it clear he has to source EVERYTHING for his time. He wants her 50/50 ask him what cot, changing table, car seat, pram, nappies, clothes, bottles etc he's bought for her. Tell him how much childcare is and how much him having her would help you as it would save you more in childcare costs than you'd get in CMS. I can almost guarantee if he won't give you a penny of CMS he isn't going to shell out on all the stuff he'd need to actually look after her.

Really good advice above.

Has he suggested you're mentally ill, or in some way unfit for Motherhood? If not prepare for this in the near future.

I guess he changed his mind about paternity?

Have you blocked his number? Do. Don't give him headspace. Tell him to email from now on. Don't read his emails too often.

You're doing the best thing for you and your baby.

He's an abusive bully. He's trying to frighten you. The 2 school thing is ludicrous. If he wants to step up and build a relationship with his daughter, that would be great. He'll have to start demonstrating this now.

It won’t happen, but it’s standard practice to try, so don’t be intimidated.
the real motivator for these claims is to avoid payment of CMS.
if he had a 50/50 court order, he’d weasel out of paying you a penny.

I want you to clear your head a second and focus on this advice-

Call refuge now and follow their advice through, no matter how hard it seems right now.

I suspect they will tell you not to let him visit in person AT ALL on the basis of abuse.

this is really important.

He can then take you to court for contact. Log the messages, abusive behaviour while together etc with the police now. They won’t do anything, but you’ll need the reports at court, if you ever get there.

if you have any form of informal contact now, the courts won’t go back on what has been established as a ‘status quo’

it might seem unreasonable right now, but it’s really important to hold the line and don’t get sucked into thinking you’re the terrible person keeping them apart. You have an abusive man on your hands and the only way forward with any contact, if there is any, is strictly regulated by the court or he will manipulate you the rest of your life. If he is serious about contact and behaves well, then he’ll get some. But chances are he won’t. The court procedure is long and few CMS dodgers/manipulators stay the course. He can pull your strings behind closed doors, but there is no hiding in court/with CAFCASS. Success would take a REAL and GENUINE desire to do what’s right for the child. And that, he does not have.

So he abandoned a planned for child?
Tried to bully you into an abortion?
Then bullied you after you refused?
Has zero interest in the baby?
Hasn't contributed a penny before or after birth.
Abuses you when you mention CMS?
Is now threatening you with 50/50 because you have applied for CMS?

Keep absolutely everything.
Let him spew his threats.

Ignore him.
Carry on with CMS.
Let HIM pay for court.

Call Womens aid for a chat and support.

He really is the very lowest of scum.

Hang on in there OP. he is trying to frighten you into giving up.

As you say CMS is best legal minimum and I would continue with that claim whatever he says because you can't rely on him complying with a court order. No court will award him 50/50 with your living circumstances as they are and in view of his history with regard to her. Keep every text and message to show how he has been.

@MoonGeek has it just right Op, keep all these messages just in case. He can't seriously believe any child attends 2 schools, he's still trying to frightened you off the CMS

Keep all communications. Take screenshots. They show he is not putting the child first.

Yes, deluded. This will not happen.

He has made no effort to see your child so he will not get 50/50. Also separating a newborn from its only carer is not going to happen, especially if you are breastfeeding. If he goes to court a sensible approach would be building up contact gradually, starting with an hour or so on his own when your child is a baby and building this up when they are a toddler. Mine did no overnights with their father until age 3.5. Now they are older, they do every other weekend with him.

Remember, it is best for your child to have a relationship with their father, and family court is the process for this to be agreed. If you have a court order then you can ask for police involvement if he ever refuses to return them. This is rare, but it is worth having IMO. (I have had to use it.)

Also, If you live two hours apart he will not get 50/50 when your child is school age because he won't be able to do school drop offs. It is just not practical.

You need a solicitor. And in the meantime, go through CMS. Good luck xx