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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is my manager?

33 replies

TallulahsThoughts · 27/03/2023 20:06

I work in a reasonably large team of around 25, we all get on fairly well and no dramas however we all work across the UK at different sites, so there are some colleagues I see regularly in person and others just online on teams and perhaps a couple of times a year. Naturally, there are some I am more friendly with.

On Saturday, I had my 30th Birthday party. I could only have around 70 people which sounds a lot but I have a large-ish family, uni friends and I invited the 5 colleagues that I was closest to. We had a great time, they posted on social media some pictures of us/my party.

This morning I got called up to a meeting with my manager which I thought was about work but turned out to be about my party. She said that she felt it was unfair that I had 'picked' people to be invited, not at least invited the whole team and that I would encourage 'cliques' if I wasn't careful inviting some and not others. That a member of the team had messaged her over the weekend and said that it was unfair to not be invited and if it was a wedding, they'd understand but not a party.

Firstly, I thought Jesus christ, it's a 30th birthday in a hall and not Glastonbury, but secondly, I told my manager that I can be friends with who I choose outside of work and only had capacity for a handful of colleagues anyways. Manager simply ended it by saying that I should be more considerate to peoples feelings next time and she would be 'keeping an eye'

AIBU to think this is just utterly ridiculous?

OP posts:
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NumberTheory · 30/06/2023 00:05

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2023 11:39

How many are local and you didn’t invite - are you all on social media?

to be fair to your manager she had a complaint how would you want her to handle it

Please tell me you are not and have never been a manager.

Do you actually think that if someone makes a complaint to their manager the manager must then use their authority to back up the complainant?

A managers job includes evaluating the validity of a complaint and protecting their subordinates from vexatious complaints.

LittleMonks11 · 23/06/2023 08:45

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2023 11:39

How many are local and you didn’t invite - are you all on social media?

to be fair to your manager she had a complaint how would you want her to handle it

Tell the complainant they it's not within her remit to dictate what goes on in employees' private life. And to move along. That's life.

LittleMonks11 · 23/06/2023 08:41

Can't believe what I'm reading! It's none of their sodding business!

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 23/06/2023 08:39

Dotjones · 22/06/2023 12:20

Have there been any further incidents in the three months since you posted this?

Good spot - thats so annoying, but at least its not 3 years!

Dotjones · 22/06/2023 12:20

Have there been any further incidents in the three months since you posted this?

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 22/06/2023 12:13

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2023 11:39

How many are local and you didn’t invite - are you all on social media?

to be fair to your manager she had a complaint how would you want her to handle it

by tell the complainer to get over themselves and advise them she's their work manager, not their life manager

fishonabicycle · 22/06/2023 11:47

Your manager is way out of line!

OhComeOnFFS · 22/06/2023 11:45

Yes, how many staff are local?

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2023 11:39

How many are local and you didn’t invite - are you all on social media?

to be fair to your manager she had a complaint how would you want her to handle it

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 22/06/2023 11:37

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 22/06/2023 11:16

If you had 6 team members and only invited 5, it would be your prerogative but it would be more easily viewed as unpleasant as it's singling out an individual

5 out of 25 - when you barely see some of the others and they live in other parts of the country - your manager is being ridiculous. Who would be footing the bill for the larger venue extra food for 20?

I agree with this, if you invited 24 of them, then you would need to invite the other one too, but when its 5/25 thats ok

Pringleface · 22/06/2023 11:37

I was left out of an invite to the whole of a small company to a housewarming. It was basically because the person didn’t like me. I was pissed off and upset because I hadn’t known until that point how strongly they disliked me but I wouldn’t have dreamed of making a complaint about it.

I would ignore it and if it gets raised again, tell your manager that if you choose to spend personal time with specific colleagues that’s up to you and not a matter for the company to concern itself with.

‘Keeping an eye’, my arse.

Resilience · 22/06/2023 11:33

Your manager has massively misinterpreted workplace bullying approaches (which can include out of work time events, but not this one). Is she relatively inexperienced?

olympicsrock · 22/06/2023 11:32

This is ridiculous as long as you did leave one or two out of a local group.

OhComeOnFFS · 22/06/2023 11:31

Does that mean if you go on a date with one guy from work you have to go on a date with every man?

Or if you go to the gym with one friend from work you have to invite everyone?

dooooo · 22/06/2023 11:27

That is such a strange response! Is she quite controlling generally? Maybe she’s been bullied in the past or felt excluded when more junior and she didn’t want others to feel this way?

But she’s still being very unreasonable and the “keeping an eye out” thing is crossing the line!

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 22/06/2023 11:16

If you had 6 team members and only invited 5, it would be your prerogative but it would be more easily viewed as unpleasant as it's singling out an individual

5 out of 25 - when you barely see some of the others and they live in other parts of the country - your manager is being ridiculous. Who would be footing the bill for the larger venue extra food for 20?

IamstilltheWalrus · 22/06/2023 11:12

a member of the team had messaged her over the weekend and said that it was unfair to not be invited

hahahah😂😂😂

and if it was a wedding, they'd understand but not a party.
No difference, you invite whoever you want to your wedding. You just avoid focusing all the chats about the wedding at work.

peachicecream · 22/06/2023 11:04

That is massively inappropriate from your manager. It's absolutely none of your manager's business who you socialise with in your personal life outside work.

ChaToilLeam · 22/06/2023 10:51

Bloody hell, what an idiot of a manager. Clearly lacks the backbone to tell the whiniest members of the team where to get off.

I’d also be asking for clarification in writing of her “keeping an eye” remark.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/06/2023 10:45

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 20:48

I mean your manager is ridiculous to mention it, but I wouldn't have invited just a few and not the rest for this reason. I have a big bash recently and it was all or none.

Why? Its not school. The OP had 70 guests, and of the 25 people she works closely with, she invited the 5 she was closest to. That's life.

Any actual grown up who was so put out by this they approached management needs to get a fucking life.

Lookingoutside · 22/06/2023 10:27

Ask her on email to clarify exactly how she will be ‘keeping an eye’. Silly c**t.

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 20:48

I mean your manager is ridiculous to mention it, but I wouldn't have invited just a few and not the rest for this reason. I have a big bash recently and it was all or none.

carriedout · 27/03/2023 20:21

I'd take the 'keeping an eye' comment as a threat, and would potentially take that further.

Your manager is out of order.

ilovesooty · 27/03/2023 20:19

Ask her to confirm the details of her concerns in writing. I bet she won't dare.

Goodadvice1980 · 27/03/2023 20:18

I would speak to HR as your manager is being a complete dick.

This is why I never have work colleagues on my social media!

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