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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cancel altogether?

88 replies

PiscesScot · 26/03/2023 14:07

Friend I’ve known for 20th years, we don’t see each other very often but maybe once or twice a year. A number of times we’ve made plans to meet which he’s cancelled last minute or asked to push back an hour or later as he’s running behind.

We made plans this week for him to visit around 1pm today. I suggested last night that we go out for lunch (my treat). He confirmed after 8am this morning that we would meet at the restaurant.

11.40am he messages to ask if it’s ok to change to 2pm. I said not really as I wouldn’t be eating beforehand. Got my
back up already then he says ‘ok if I get myself in gear I can be there by 1pm, don’t want you starving 😂’

i said let’s not bother if it’s too much effort to stick to a plan, let’s try again another time. He knows I have a family member in hospital for months now, and I said Sunday is my only day off (from both work & hospital visits) and I don’t need to feel like I’m putting somebody out.

he came back to say he didn’t think it was a big deal.

I said I felt it was disrespectful to message basically an hour before, to push back for no apparent reason.

Anyway I nixed the offer to meet & pay for lunch and have just had a pub lunch on my own so as not to waste the day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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DonnaBanana · 02/05/2023 08:35

You said no. He said he could stick to the original time.

Except it was not that simple. He twisted it into sounding like he was doing OP a favour by turning up on time! Then he’d probably have been 15 minutes late and gone on about how much effort he’d gone to. Yuck.

CaroleSinger · 02/05/2023 08:17

I have a friend who is the flakiest person I've ever met. I've learned to deal with it over the years by only ever planning to do things I wanted to do anyway and would have been equally happy to do alone, things that interest me basically. That way when they inevitably drop out at the last minute I don't feel let down and still get to enjoy it anyway. Change the way you interact so that you are factoring in the flakiness.

Original poster
PiscesScot · 02/05/2023 05:36

WheelsUp · 01/05/2023 17:03

It's good that you've woken up OP. He only wants you for sex, money and the boost to his ego that you still want to shag him. You are nobody's whore and sugar mummy. 💐

…..thanks! We’re friends though, we don’t have sex with each other 😄

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 01/05/2023 17:03

It's good that you've woken up OP. He only wants you for sex, money and the boost to his ego that you still want to shag him. You are nobody's whore and sugar mummy. 💐

coffeemoon · 27/03/2023 08:19

RampantIvy · 27/03/2023 08:15

I think some posters are failing to see that he does this all the time, and the OP has finally decided that she has had enough.

I didn't miss it but again I'd be more forgiving of my friends. If he's actually a friend then presumably there's some value in that relationship.

OP hasn't mentioned any other issues with the friendship and keeps saying what a nice person he is.

On the back of that - assuming there are other things about the friendship that make it worthwhile - I'd be relaxed about it and just factor it in when I arranged to meet him.

pishkashante · 27/03/2023 08:18

JennyDarlingRIP · 27/03/2023 08:13

So he asked can we do 2 instead of 1, you said that doesn't work for me, he said ok see you at 1, you said no forget it I'm cancelling you're disrespectful......

I highly doubt he would have turned up at 1pm.

He didn’t say ‘it’s ok, I will get there at 1’. He was still messing around saying ‘IF I get myself in gear’. He was covering his arse because he knew he wouldn’t make it on time but still wanted a free lunch.

OP was right to no thanks.

MultipleVeganPies · 27/03/2023 08:17

Fair enough

i hate being ticked around for no reason

he did not sound that bothered about meeting you, so you made the right decision

RampantIvy · 27/03/2023 08:15

I think some posters are failing to see that he does this all the time, and the OP has finally decided that she has had enough.

JennyDarlingRIP · 27/03/2023 08:13

So he asked can we do 2 instead of 1, you said that doesn't work for me, he said ok see you at 1, you said no forget it I'm cancelling you're disrespectful......

Andthatstheend · 27/03/2023 08:13

ChopSuey2 · 26/03/2023 14:40

I think you are being unreasonable. He asked if you could change the time. You said no. He said he could stick to the original time. I can completely understand time running away from you (just putting a wash on, doing the washing up, sorting out paperwork etc can easily add up) but he agreed to rush getting ready to make up time. I don't see why you had to cancel and go out to eat alone.

Yep. As you are ‘friends’ he presumably thought you wouldn’t mind him asking and when you declined he agreed to stick with the original plan… so why exactly did you strop out? Simply because he asked if it would theoretically be possible to change the time?

coffeemoon · 27/03/2023 08:12

MulletAndMustache · 26/03/2023 14:24

So you missed out on seeing a friend and ate dinner alone because you had a strop? Go you.

I prefer to be a bit more laid back and flexible with my friends. It’s not work. Unless you had to be somewhere that meant it being an hour later, I think it was an overreaction. Up to you how you deal with your friendships but it’s not what I’d do.

This.

It would bother me if it were a work meeting, but not just meeting a friend. I'd be more forgiving and easy about it, assuming I didn't have something I was rushing to afterwards.

All the people complaining about 'he doesn't value your time' - I think he just has a more relaxed view. If my friend did this I wouldn't be bothered, I would just get a coffee and wait for them.

If he wants/ needs a more relaxed morning or is tired because the clocks went forward then that would be absolutely fine for me if he's a friend, I'd want him to arrive feeling relaxed and not like he'd had to rush like crazy to get there.

Original poster
PiscesScot · 27/03/2023 08:03

PriOn1 · 27/03/2023 06:45

Your reaction sounds perfectly reasonable to me. His message annoyed you and it’s likely that frustration would have spilled over and spoiled the lunch for you, even if you had gone.

If he was a friend you valued highly, then meeting but explaining that his message made you feel disrespected might have been a good compromise. But from the sound of it, the friendship had run its course and this was the last straw.

I can sort of understand those saying it shouldn’t matter because he agreed to come at the right time anyway, but I would feel the same as you, OP specifically because of the tone of his messages. He had confirmed at 8am, so can’t have been caught out by the hour change. It was obviously no big deal to him to be there in time, he just couldn’t be bothered. And the flippancy in ”don’t want you starving 😂” is intensely irritating, especially that emoji. Unless you are great friends and he knew you would take it as a joke, it looks like an indication he is implying you are being a bit silly, but he’ll put himself out for you.

I’m glad you were able to treat yourself and could enjoy a meal out on your own. I would too. And ditching people who don’t respect you is generally a good thing to do psychologically. I hope you can feel good about that too. Having boundaries and sticking to them is something I am learning to do more with age. Women often put up with way too much bullshit. Wrap your self-respect around you like a warm blanket and enjoy it.

Thank you! You’ve hit the nail on the head about the emoji in particular!

I looked back through our chats and previous plans.

  1. plan for lunch at mine - message after 9am “Alright, gonna give it a miss the day. We will have to meet up another time”.

After saying I’d already been to the shops to buy lunch for us, he said he was tired but supposed he could make it - we did have lunch and it was nice!

  1. the day after I messaged to say I’d book a place for lunch at 1pm (for the next day) he messaged to say he’d been feeling a bit ill, and also had an essay to do. We didn’t meet up.

  2. day of. ‘Hey, DS is pretty tired. Can we meet another time unless you want to come round for dinner.’

This was after I’d arranged my day to visit family early, and I heard the notification as I was driving into town to meet him.

He’s a nice guy and this won’t end our friendship, but I am definitely finding the pattern very irritating!

To me, it’s just so rude to not even apologise and to be flakey for no reason.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 27/03/2023 07:53

YANBU X

savethatkitty · 27/03/2023 07:52

Yep, just another guy who feels his time is more valuable & important than yours. What do you get out of this "friendship "?

SkyandSurf · 27/03/2023 07:45

It's really annoying behaviour and I agree it's disrespectful.

I think you had made your point by saying you wouldn't move the time. You could have then met him in person and told him how annoying it is when he shifts plans at the last minute. Your friendship might have been better for it.

As it is, you've probably ended the friendship and he'll walk away thinking you're balmy for revoking an offer to pay for lunch because he asked to change the time. He won't realise it was the last straw and you haven't told him that's what it was or given him a chance to change.

pinkfondu · 27/03/2023 07:35

The problem is for you this is another in a long list, for him it's this one time and only an hour.

I'm the same in that I feel quite disrespected to be messaged around like that.

He will have no idea it's bothering you this much.

In future tell him an hour early, if he makes it no harm in him waiting Wink

cornflakesandtea · 27/03/2023 07:26

I can't bear people who are like this. Why is their time any more valuable than yours? It's blatant disrespect and I think YANBU.

Would he even have showed up at 1pm? Or would you have gotten "I'm just leaving now, I'll be there in 30 minutes" when you're sat at the restaurant at 1pm and then have to wait 45-50 minutes for him when he turns up and says "oh I'm early! It's not 2pm yet!".

PriOn1 · 27/03/2023 06:45

Your reaction sounds perfectly reasonable to me. His message annoyed you and it’s likely that frustration would have spilled over and spoiled the lunch for you, even if you had gone.

If he was a friend you valued highly, then meeting but explaining that his message made you feel disrespected might have been a good compromise. But from the sound of it, the friendship had run its course and this was the last straw.

I can sort of understand those saying it shouldn’t matter because he agreed to come at the right time anyway, but I would feel the same as you, OP specifically because of the tone of his messages. He had confirmed at 8am, so can’t have been caught out by the hour change. It was obviously no big deal to him to be there in time, he just couldn’t be bothered. And the flippancy in ”don’t want you starving 😂” is intensely irritating, especially that emoji. Unless you are great friends and he knew you would take it as a joke, it looks like an indication he is implying you are being a bit silly, but he’ll put himself out for you.

I’m glad you were able to treat yourself and could enjoy a meal out on your own. I would too. And ditching people who don’t respect you is generally a good thing to do psychologically. I hope you can feel good about that too. Having boundaries and sticking to them is something I am learning to do more with age. Women often put up with way too much bullshit. Wrap your self-respect around you like a warm blanket and enjoy it.

Autienotnautie · 27/03/2023 06:36

I would have said 2 is a bit late for me and let him decide if 1pm was doable.

Thehonestbadger · 27/03/2023 06:30

As a stand-alone incident it was an over reaction, but taking into account the back story and this being a pattern of behaviour on his part then no not an overreaction at all x

justsoembarrassing · 27/03/2023 06:27

YANBU. So he could get there on time if he got his act together?

Why didn't he get his act together in the first place then?

He's rude!

Takeitonthechin · 27/03/2023 06:22

Good for you op, he obviously doesn't value your friendship that much if he can't get his act together and be on time for a meet up.
I just wouldn't bother again.

HAF1119 · 27/03/2023 06:16

I think not unreasonable, may make him realise you don't want to be cancelled or to have the time changed. He can either sort that out or if he needs to always be late/cancel in a friendship then maybe it doesn't work.

For what it's worth you can be brought up that way - I was. I was then late often same as my parents without much thought and I was told by someone annoyed by it 'if you can't be bothered to be on time when arranged I can't be bothered to see you at all'

I self reflected and stopped being a flake and realised how annoying it is. I also apologised

It still drives me mad that my mum is late every single time I see her by half hour or an hour and never ever even contacts to let me know! Luckily mine nipped in the bud when young but it is rude!

Bleachmycloths · 27/03/2023 04:46

I don’t think he’s really very interested in seeing you. Don’t contact him, then see how long it is before he makes the next move. ‘Never’ I would guess.

Allblackeverythingalways · 27/03/2023 00:02

I drop people that don't value my time as much as their own.
Occasionally late? Fine.
Repeatedly late with bullshit/wishy washy reasons? Bin them off.