Friends critically ill child

Food they don’t have to make/keep in the fridge. Bottles of water/drinks. Clean knickers. Toiletries.

All of those things sound amazing. I was in your friends position a few years ago and really needed a big hug and a warm drink bringing. Knowing someone is there is so important x

Agree with pps who said " let me know how to help" is literally the worst.
Having been in the situation, the text that made me cry with gratitude was the one that said " I'll collect your dc with mine and take them all to x club and to eat at my house, dropping dc back at x o'clock" .

Arranging child care is the biggest stress, and finding the headspace to make arrangements is really, really hard.

When my daughter was on PICU, I just kept in touch with people on WhatsApp, she slept alot then and I was fortunate that my parents were looking after my other daughter at home.

When she went to the step down unit which is between intensive care and a regular ward, a couple of people visited. One of my best friends came up and sat with me for a couple of hours on the Saturday afternoon, there were no hot drinks allowed on the ward and I wasn't leaving my daughter, so we just chatted. My daughter actually needed an emergency chest drain whilst my friend was there, so it was nice to have some company in the lead up to that. I had told her not to come, but she arrived with bags of chocolate buttons and I was very grateful she did visit. She stayed longer than she intended too.

You definitely survive on the adrenaline though when in hospital. My daughter was in for 8 days in the end following a huge op. I found being at home immediately afterwards much harder and more tiring, so that would be a good time for help with other children too. I was delighted when my youngest got taken out for a day out & bubble tea in town as I was exhausted. I was up during the night numerous times administering pain relief and making sure my daughter who had the procedure was as comfortable as possible.

I hope it goes well and there is a good outcome for your friends daughter.

Not a critically ill child but things that have helped during a very difficult time. Not expecting a reply. Just a little message or funny thing but no pressure.
Easy food/snacks/drinks ready to grab as and when. Anything the family can eat at home and leftovers go into a tupperware for lunch the next day.
If you want a care package you might be better with an extra large cup that keeps drinks hot and cold (I think mine is 780ml) but was about £20 and a thermos type flask so she can heat lunch at home and take it with her without worrying about leaving child's side.
Anything that doesn't create more work/mental energy so if you want to offer make it a concrete, I'll take the kids to the cinema and for a pizza after school on Friday if that suits you. Is it ok if they have a sleepover? is far easier than can I help. It might also give her a much needed break to recharge and chat to her partner without other kids in hearing distance x

When my friends child was extremely ill we got together as a group and did a meal train. We took turns to deliver dinner and pudding to her so that she didn’t need to think about this. We also took turns to pick her or her husband up from the hospital as the hospital was hours away and none of us wanted her to have the added stress of driving upset. Now her child is thankfully ok, she said these were the things that helped x

Not a child, but when my best friend was in ICU and then in hospital for 3 weeks in deep Covid time I just texted regularly with pictures of my dog, having told her I had no need of replies, but I wanted her to know I was there and thinking of her.

Had similar to this when dd was in NICU. Cannot even begin to say how huge a difference it made.

Also, childcare!!!

I have had a period of being unwell myself. The best thing I had was a friend that said that they would be very upset if they found out that was something that they could do to help and I hadn’t asked. If gave me the courage to ask for a massive favour when I’m usually very independent.

Well if nothing else, this thread shows us that there is no one, right answer.

I don't know if kids in the ICU wear jammies or not but when my DD was seriously ill and in hospital long term the most useful gifts was underwear and loads of jammies.

I also agree with a voucher for any food outlets in the hospital, eating in hospital all the time is expensive.

Take her a lovely picnic to the hospital, if she can leave her daughter for a short visit, sit with her & encourage her to eat - sandwich, salad pot, fruit salad, muffin, juice, coffee. Take her children out to the cinema, bowling, for a pizza etc, they'll enjoy the distraction & treat.

Def ask the partner. Childcare - if they want/need it. Company. Ferrying kids or stuff as needed. Even offering to take the other kids out or something to take their little minds off things too. Regular but not persistent texts to say you’re there - but not to expect a response.

Good idea on the bringing something round. The hardest thing I've found with kids in hospital is that the first bit you get through on adrenaline and then you've got no food or clean undies and you don't want to leave them to get more. If you're close enough I'd drop around some clean underwear, a few flannels, and a stash of snacks and magazines. Offering to sit with the daughter so she can go to the loo or something is a good idea. Not sure which hospital but Birmingham children's has flasks for parents on the wards but a nicer drink in a keep cup or similar wouldn't go amiss. There's usually a cafe nearby to get something fresh. I'd use a flask rather than a full blown thermos though so it's not too hot.

Do something nice for the other DC, especially if the sick sibling has had a life of hospital crises.

Don’t fix anything too wildly fun for obvious reasons. A trip round a great garden/playground or a museum followed by a big tea can be soothing and distracting.

Be a solid, cheery, reliable adult presence who shows the other DC that life goes on as normal and can be good.

Having been close to this kind of situation, I would say to anyone helping at people’s homes not to launder the ill child’s clothes or bedding, or tidy their rooms - do everyone else’s, but not theirs. If the worst happens, parents may want to have things that still smell of their child, and a bed they have slept in. So leave their room and things alone, as the smallest things can have a huge significance.

I would find some practical things to do and just do them. She won't have the headspace to say what she needs / answer questions. So just find out when her bin night is and make sure bins are out. Feed/walk/clean out any pets.

Avoid 'what can I do for you' and go more with 'I'll be there at 4pm to put your bins out and will walk the dog whilst I'm there. I can also take X to school and will be there at X time. Let me know if you'd rather I Didn't'

I would say absolutely to food. Bring her meals that are healthy, homemade and easy to eat. With a fork/spoon etc. Hospital food is not nice and expensive if Costa etc. People saying 'meal prepping won't be on her mind' - of course it won't. But she needs to eat! bringing her healthy, easy, comforting home meals is a lovely and practical thing to do.

Also - other kids - is there any admin that needs doing? Is there a school disco coming up that you can let her know you'll sort tickets/their outfits/take siblings too? etc. You sound like a lovely friend.

TBH I wouldn’t visit the hospital until their child is well on the mend/ stable.

When my daughter was in PICU my sister and some well meaning friends used to call to hospital and I would have to leave her side and go to the relatives room to chat to them. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t stand having to leave her alone to go have a cuppa and chit chat with visitors. I was like a woman possessed as I used to feel so panicked by this.

I would put some clean joggers, tops, jumpers, (hospitals are warm but you get extremely cold when exhausted) blankets, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste/brush, pants, warm socks, wipes/muslins deodorant, handcream etc in a bag and leave them for her. I had very little and everyone must have assumed I had these but it’s v hard when you are there and not getting home to do laundry. I used to have to use paper towels and soap from the handwash dispenser to wash - I still can’t stand that smell - it brings me right back.

My dad was fighting for his life suddenly and horrendously last year in ICU, so many people gave small acts of care to me and my family while we spent days in hospital, every delivery of shopping, frozen soup, crystal angels, flowers, cards, every offer to help with my kids, walk my dog, give lifts, every offer to visit, every text, voicenote, phonecall, every check in, gifts for my dad, even a mass held for him, you name it, every single one was appreciated not just for what it actually gave us practically but the thought that people out there were thinking of him and us and in that dark time when we were just trying to get through each day, I always remember how beautiful that feeling was in the worst days of my life, I felt lost and frightened but I never felt alone. Whatever you do as long as it's not intrusive and an offer of something they can receive and quietly put aside or let you know if they want such as babysitting, it shows you care and want to help. They need that feeling believe me.

maybe offer her "support" help. . partner\kids might well be getting by- maybe a couple hours of not have kids offer some time for him to support her better?

When my daughter was being ventilated in ICU the best thing we had was a friend who brought in a hot casserole one evening. We were given a free room and free parking and MIL cared for my toddler son. We'd taken clothes and toiletries with us but the food was incredibly expensive and just to spend an hour eating a home cooked hot meal and having a catch up chat whilst the doctors changed her intubation tubes was a blessed respite and so normal after all the stress and worry. Just a break but it revived and sustained us and praise God and the hospital staff as she pulled through against all odds. xxx

Could you ask her partner what would be the most helpful thing you can do and then just do that? I imagine he must know what she is struggling with.

Ask them what they want.

She'll have people and herself focusing on the child alot, but a gift for self care is lovely

'Another friend has suggested a care bundle for her while she is almost 24/7 resident at the hospital, thermos flask, nice coffee, possibly something she could leave with her daughter for when she has to go home (like a token/teddy that she could also have one of to carry with her) etc but it just seems so insignificant in her time of absolute horror, terror, devestation (no words seem enough).
Sounds like a good idea that isn't too idealistic.
It's nice to be thought of in a moment of vulnerability.