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Original poster

Husband doesn’t look at me

57 replies

Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 07:59

Hi

Throughout my marriage of ten years one of my issues has been not feeling that my husband is really attracted to me. He will tell me “you look nice” if I dress up, but his body language doesn’t feel like that off someone who is actually attracted. I’m above average looks wise (as is he) and have had my fair share off interest from men so I know what it feels like when someone is into you and maybe that’s part off the issue. I do often have moments off “I can’t take my eyes off you” when I look at him. I’ve not gained weight or anything which is sometimes the case in marriages where attraction fades. I don’t think he’s ever looked at me properly in a way that makes me feel like he really sees me and he’s also never flirtatious. We do have a physical relationship so I suppose there must be some basic level of attraction but it mostly feels like I’m there to scratch an itch and not that he’s physically attracted to me. Up until the time I told him it was upsetting me his eyes were mostly closed during anything sexual.

I’ve tried to make peace with the idea that he is attracted to me (as he says he is), but just not very much, thinking maybe because I wasn’t really his type but he says that’s not true and that he’s never had any interest in looking at any woman like that, which I find hard to believe. If you’re physically attracted to someone why wouldn’t you want to look at them?

He does have certain narcissistic traits (which is something we discussed last night) and he has said that maybe attraction for him is more about how much the other person wants him rather than how much he wants them, which I find quite disturbing. He did later backtrack on this a bit and said it was just a theory and not something he felt certain about.

I do sometimes feel a bit pathetic for feeling sad that he’s not very into me, and I’m prepared to be told I need to grow up and get over it.

OP posts:
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WrylyAmused · 22/10/2023 06:43

This is a bit of a zombie thread, given it was originally posted 6+ months ago, but in case @Lostwifehelp is still around:

I think you're falling into the fundamental attribution error of "I do this thing in this particular way, and therefore I can't imagine/believe that any other human does this thing in any other way".
Take that thought and start applying it to other areas of life, and it soon becomes apparent how silly it is - but it's a very common way of thinking and a big source of misunderstandings in general.

You're very visual, apparently, so that is how your desire and attraction works. Ok, great, that's a good thing to know.

But some people just don't process visually, and it doesn't work the same way for them. It doesn't for me. I'm very attracted to my partner (& was to past ones), but no, I don't have very much interest in looking at him, and my physical attraction is virtually not at all based on how someone looks.
It's based on smell, connection, how I feel about them, hugs, conversation etc. All those things give me a physical response. Looking at him.... No.

I can look and see "oh, he has nice eyes" or whatever, but it's aesthetic, like looking at a painting or something similar. There's virtually no emotion and no desire at all attached to it. I just don't process that way. I love him, but I love the physical reality of him and my conception/perception/idea of him. His appearance - no, not so much. Not that I don't like it, I just genuinely don't think about it, it's not an important part of who he is to me.

If you feel unloved and unwanted, that's for sure something to address with him. But essentially demanding that he does something very personal in the way you do it, because you don't believe any other way is real.... That's not only unreasonable, it's also pretty much impossible for him. How he experiences attraction is as natural to him as the way you do it is to you.

Ok, maybe they're different. Maybe you need to learn to attune a bit more to how he does show you he loves you, and maybe he needs to understand a bit more about what makes you feel loved and wanted, and make an effort to meet you half way.

But there's no one size fits all, and it doesn't sound like his behaviour has changed over your relationship. When you ask him, he's tried to reassure you... So maybe you just need to explain a little more explicitly how you feel and what you need, and also try to understand a little more that maybe he's different to you in this way.

nzeire · 22/10/2023 05:43

I was in a relationship with a man like this for years. He was gay, and actually didn’t know (believe what you will, I know him, love him and still believ this to be true. The inkling he had had years previously had been buried deep.

im now with my husband who used to look at me like you’re describing :)

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 02:39

I think he's told you how his mind works, so believe him.
I've been with my DH over 20 years. He's not one for gazing at me from across the room lovingly (he does in bed!) But he does grab me for a hug/grope several times a day and if he catches me in any stage of undress, he's over like a shot! Which fascinates me, because I have put lots of weight on in the course of our marriage and I'm in my 40's now, not 20s.
What does your DH do when he sees you naked? Does he look at you with desire then? If not, that would worry me.

Nursercurser · 22/10/2023 02:18

You are so lucky! I once read that you should only be with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. My husband feels like a best friend and coupled with the fact that I used to be really sexual all the time I am looking for a bit on the side to help me feel happy.

nonevernotever · 26/09/2023 05:57

I think people are all different and express their feelings in different ways. And it is entirely possible/reasonable to love someone and find them irresistible without it being a looks thing, or without them being gay ffs. If you think about it, sight is only one of The five senses. Yes a lot of men are very visual (hence the appeal of porn) but not all men are. It sounds to me like you have a thoughtful, honest and loving husband but you're struggling because he doesn't fit into the precise box you have in your head of "this is how all men behave when they fancy you" when the reality is that normal sexual attraction can be manifested in lots of different ways.

GarlicGrace · 26/09/2023 05:38

I'm more worried by what you said about sex feeling like he's just "scratching an itch". You said it's been this way since the beginning, yes?

If you're ten years into a marriage with someone who basically shows no sexual interest in you then, despite being such good and loving friends, I'd imagine it must feel hollow. I'd also wonder why on earth you got & stayed married, but we are where we are.

If you don't think he's sexually interested in another woman somewhere, perhaps he isn't sexually interested in women. Or does he have a hangup about sex, think it's nasty or shameful or something?

BurbageBrook · 26/09/2023 04:58

Some people have more responsive desire. Usually that's women but it's also the case for some men. My husband is similar and it took a while to get used to OP, but I did get used to it and I know he fancies me.

Simplyhopeful · 26/09/2023 04:17

My husband doesn't look at me naked either never showers with me I can get dressed right in front of him doesn't look when I'm really down with self-esteem I say look you like.he goes oh yay nice.it hurts he shows love tells me all is great but desiring to look at me naked or get excited or even cares to look it's so weird

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 17:25

@Landlockedlover He’s not very open about past relationships but apparently he hasn’t had much of a desire to look at anyone he has been with.

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Landlockedlover · 07/03/2023 16:46

Do you know if he was the same in previous relationships?

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 14:32

@YouAreNotBatman On my end I thought he was attractive, intelligent, interesting, a loving, kind, good person etc and we were very close friends. On his end I think there was all off those things too but probably not the attraction and I just overlooked it.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a look but that’s just the way I’ve seen it expressed most frequently, it’s basically anything outside of the bedroom that makes you feel that the person is physically attracted and interested in you.

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YouAreNotBatman · 07/03/2023 14:22

But if he didn’t give these ’looks’ & ’lust’ that you clearly want and he wasn’t a safe choice, what on earth made you love him?
Sorry, none of my business, but it confusing sense sounds like you never had what you wanted in the first place and if he wasn’t even the best choice, how did it get here?

Tbh, I’m not sure what the look in the eyes is, is it the kind of a glaze over in their eyes?
I’ve always found it scary!
It’s like all the humanity is gone and you’re just an object they want to use to get what they want…

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:58

@JudgeRudy No, I don’t think so. I did ask him once if the physical affection was perhaps his way of expressing his attraction and he said that he didn’t feel that there was anything sexual about it. I don’t think it’s any different to when he hugs or kisses our children. It’s just a demonstration of love.

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JudgeRudy · 07/03/2023 13:46

”I think when you find someone physically attractive you automatically do the eyes at them” This is what I feel and I can’t think off a reason why it wouldn’t be like that if you were actually attracted to someone"

@Lostwifehelp the key words here are "I think" and "I feel". You say that he is much more physical than you. He would equally say "...when you find someone attractive you automatically want to touch them"....well you don't do you. Could it just be something as simple as you're different? 🤔

Oh BTW, I don't think it's unusual to be turned on by someone else's desire for you. I love knowing I'm turning someone on and that in turn turns me on.....assuming of course I like them

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:11

@Zooeyzo So you think maybe he just never really moved on from being friends? I think that’s quite possible.

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Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:10

@WaddleAway When it’s just the two of chilling out in the evening at home, having dinner out etc. Not all the time, no. We have busy lives and children too. I think it’s probably also about women (well certainly me anyway) supposedly having a more responsive sexual desire ie needing some warming up before and things like flirting, looks etc can help with that. Going into bed “cold” and then having sex doesn’t really work for me but that’s what we have always done.

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Zooeyzo · 07/03/2023 13:05

Yes and I think we all know the different ways men look at us.

WaddleAway · 07/03/2023 13:04

How often are you looking at him lustfully, and for how long? I’m just trying to get my head round the issue as I’m not sure it’s something DH and I do!
We’re both sexually attracted to each other and have a healthy sex life, but I’m not sure the lustful looks etc are something that are a part of our life. We have 2 full time jobs and 3 young children so I’m not even sure when it would happen! Are you talking about when you’re out together for example, or just when you’re at home in the day time?
Im worrying about the lack of lustful looks in my marriage now 😂

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 13:03

@Zooeyzo He would say that’s how he felt (over WhatsApp) but he’s never looked at me that way in real life, no.
I have wondered if it’s to do with it being a friendship turned into a relationship. All my other relationships started with physical attraction and not friendship.

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Zooeyzo · 07/03/2023 12:54

A friendship that settled into a relationship is quite different to two people who felt an instant chemistry desire for each other. Did he ever look at you with the "I want to shag you senseless" eyes? Sorry to be crude.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 12:44

@Twinedpeaks It started as a friendship, we became very close and then it turned into romantic love/ a desire to spend our lives together.

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Twinedpeaks · 07/03/2023 12:25

How did you get together if there was no flirtation or obvious attraction?

LactoseTheIntolerant · 07/03/2023 11:45

MRex · 07/03/2023 11:21

Is it possible that he's gay? Not all men are comfortable admitting it, or feel the need to keep it quiet because they want children so getting married feels easier.

It is rather sad for you whatever the issue is, you aren't unreasonable to want to be adored.

I also wandered this... Its definitely not unheard of.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 07/03/2023 11:33

@KingDog Thanks. I think if I stopped feeling any attraction towards him because he didn’t want me, you could say I was the same as him. But that’s never happened on my end. I’ve always been and still am very attracted to him even though I’m not sure it’s reciprocated.

I really hope too that someone can help me understand what’s going on here, if there is something I am missing x

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KingDog · 07/03/2023 11:27

@BellePeppa That happened when I was at my physical 'peak' as well and funnily enough that's when I was most insecure. Now if a guy is over the top with compliments I just think: yeah right! What are you selling me? Are you desperate?! 😂

@Lostwifehelp I don't think you're vain or narcissistic for wondering about it or for wanting your husband to look at you this way like some comments suggested. For me I always needed to see that look in their eyes to know they're interested, I'm surprised you've gone as far as marriage with someone who didn't give you the eyes. My parents weren't physically affectionate but I'm very affectionate with my DC and DH, I kiss and tell them I love them everyday, which to my parents was a few times a year by mum and dad, well never! I hope someone comes along with a theory or experience that may shed some light on your husband's behaviour. I don't think you're unreasonable to wonder x

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