9 year old daughter’s behaviour

@Childbeingreallybold good luck OP, you sound like a lovely Mum. Don't be questioning yourself if you feel bad that you've punished her. She will thank you in the long run.

It's not necessarily a home problem if they kick off at home. Maybe they have been masking in school and can no longer cope. Like taking the lid off a shaken pop bottle.

Could these tantrums she's been having for years be autistic meltdowns?

What's she like with routine?
Eat stuff in the same order, have to get ready the same way, really stroppy if you do something unexpected or change the routine.

Any sensory issues?
Hand dryers, always leaning on you, doesn't like light touch, seeks out food,

Social issues?

Look up both autism and ADHD in girls. See if any of that is familiar.

I think there could be any number of issues here but agree with PP that you need a much firmer line re the hitting etc and so yes, missing the family party is not unreasonable. Especially if you have regularly backtracked on consequences int he past.

When DS was going through a difficult phase a while ago, I realised I couldn't do consequences on the fly. I'd either make them too harsh or too light or whatever so I had to stop and think about what the issues were then I calmly told him what th econsequences would be for x or y behaviour and then, when that happened, consequences were easily and calmly implemented. It did help.

I'd also say that if she's struggling to control herself at home you should be looking at some additional or better or different solutions. It could be SEN and she's masking at school so lashing out at home. It could just be that she has some anger issues and needs help to learn how to process those. I'd consider talking to an educational psychologist to start with. And agree with other PP - one sport, three times a week is great, but i might be worth looking at some other options. Martial arts are great and also often include an element of discipline to them. Both my DS and a friend's DD who have struggled socially at times have benefited from music/theatre/dance clubs, even if only for a short time so that might be something to look into as well.

With hormones it could also be that you need to think about different food issues for a while. Around that age we had to really focus on giving DS a lot of food, which meant a lt of effort to mean e got a lot of food but without excessive calories. Lots of meals with high proportion of vegetables, snacks as soon as he got home etc.

I would see it as can she trust you to do what you say you will good or bad. I’ve been guilty of making empty threats but recently has to tighten up and follow through as DD is starting to ignore anything I say. She knows theres a good chance nothing will happen regardless of what she does. I’m seeing it as not making a liar of myself and also her knowing that when I say something I am telling her the truth, she can trust my word.

DD has been like this her whole life. 9 was a particularly bad year (after things had been improving age 7/8). I think it was hormones. This year (year 5, turning 10) has been so, so much better.

We did have a big showdown around last June where we said she couldn’t go to a friend’s party, and stuck to it. I don’t know if that helped turn her behaviour around or if it was just getting older. But yes I think in your shoes I would follow through and not allow her to attend.

my DD does have SN by the way, she is academic but her SN affects her ability to regulate her behaviour/emotions. We still have consequences, SN does not mean she can behave terribly. But we pick our battles and our moments and we try to be understanding of what has triggered the rage.

Exactly. So she's playing you because she knows she can. She knows you don't mean what you say. So instead of punishing in haste, give her a warning, tell her if you do X then Y will happen. And stick to it. She will soon realise she doesn't rule you anymore.

And if you genuinely do that and stick to it and it doesn't work, then maybe there is something more deep-rooted that you're not aware of.

Follow through with not taking her.
My now adult child said to me...I always knew your threats were empty and could get away with bad behaviour, but not with Dad.

Children often cannot tell people what is wrong.
Family dynamics can impact on behaviour. An incident years ago might have triggered her anger. How was/is her sister towards her ?

That she is good outside but not at home made me think the issues are within home.

I think a conversation with a professional is needed if they have been going on from such a young age.

Are you sure she doesn't have SEN. My DD was like this and has since been diagnosed with ADHD and is much better now that she is in medication.

This sounds like all of the problems could lie within this sentence....

I know she will expect us to relent on this

Why will she expect you to relent? There's only 1 reason she would expect that. I actually know a 10 year old who is a total handful at home, rules the roost, has no consequences or telling off for anything, causes most arguments amongst the parents. A delight at school. The bold sentence above is also their problem with her.

Unless I'd suspect there's more going on than bad behaviour...
I'd crack down hard on this. NO ONE in my home would disrespect me and others to the point I'm scared.

I have a nine year old (boy) myself . He sometimes says something ill-thought out and unkind. He has slammed a door and has thrown his Lego about. Sometimes cries when he doesn't get his way.
But regular hitting?? Hell no! I'd give a warning that I'll hit back the very next time it happens AND ban from the party.

Or it's time to see the GP but only you know what's right at this moment OP.

Do you want a book recommendation? The Explosive Child helped me.

When did it start ? Did anything happen at that time ?

Do you treat her sister differently. Do you compare her to her sister at all.

If you’re sure that her behaviour is just behaviour and she doesn’t have any additional needs… then I would 100% leave her at home. The behaviour and hitting are completely unacceptable and there needs to be boundaries and consequences!