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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to end it now?

42 replies

RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:09

Backstory- I have been with DP for 4 years, we have a 2 year old DS and I have children from a previous relationship. I woke up this morning to DP telling two of the kids they can’t have TV tonight, this was then changed to they have to earn it from now on. I came downstairs and asked him why and he said he was sick of them being loud in the morning. I disagreed with him (away from the kids) which resulted in him slamming a cupboard door and shouting at me. I then made the comment “I’m surprised any of them like you with the way you shout at them all the time.” He then said if I wanted to play games then to watch. A few mins later he said “When you said you were fat yesterday you were right. You’re a fat, horrible, ugly grotter!” He said this whilst looking me straight in the eye and his face matched how he was speaking. He knew this would absolutely break me, I’m a 12/14 but have a mum pouch that I can’t shift and everything I wear looks awful, he bought me a hoodie that is quite fitted and I was horrified at myself in it yesterday and made the comment I was fat. He’s then used this against me today, he knows full well I have very low self esteem and this has been an evident struggle throughout our relationship. He has since said “I’m sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean it and I only said it to hurt you.” Straight after he had said it I told him there was no coming back from this and I wanted him out today.

OP posts:
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TheseThree · 26/06/2023 23:41

Not at all unreasonable to leave. YWBU if you stayed.

He knows your self esteem is low. He knows you have nowhere to go.

He knows leaving him is daunting and paralyzing. It’s why he’s with you, as much as that hurts. If there were an abusers’ handbook, this would be in it.

It will get worse, and there’s no telling at what rate. Make your plan, keep it a secret from him so he can’t ruin it, stay strong and get out of there.

TheInterceptor · 18/02/2023 19:14

Explain the situation to your LL and ask them if they would serve you both notice, then sign a single tenancy yourself. Good luck. This is a miserable way to live and it's setting the children up for a lifetime of misery.

Mumof3teenagers · 18/02/2023 18:55

OP, so glad you got onto a helpline. You’re right, you shouldn’t have to move but if your safety is at risk you may have to, even temporarily. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.
The very best of luck. He’s not talking because he’s hurt … bless him! ( not ).

Keep you and your babies safe, tats all that matters right now 💕

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 15:03

I wouldn’t be able to afford to move, I have a large house for an absolute steal as far as rent prices go. I’ve contacted a solicitor and talked to someone on a helpline. If I were to leave we would be put in temp accommodation which could be anywhere. I don’t see why I should leave. The alternative is to get an occupation order, I have requested a call back from a solicitor with regards to starting this process. In the meantime, if anything escalates I can call the police and they will remove him.
so far we haven’t spoken to one another and that’s how I intend for it to stay.

OP posts:
Ladyofthesea · 18/02/2023 14:17

You know you need to rent somewhere else. Does your LL have other properties as well?

Mumof3teenagers · 18/02/2023 10:49

Ok, reading your posts on this thread OP and this is an ongoing problem. He’s nasty and the verbal abuse is inexcusable, it can escalate quickly to physical abuse. You’ve had police involvement and your Mum pleading your case. He’s bad news and you need rid of him.

Don’t tell him you’re planning to leave. That can be a trigger. Please get onto womens aid and ask for advice of how to proceed.

Get a plan in place. Get a mobile phone ( unknown to him, pay as you go ) keep it charged and topped up. Use this, if you find yourself in a dangerous situation to call police or a close family member/ friend. Have your contacts in the phone.

You know you need to leave him. There’s no going back after all he’s said and done.

Please make the first step today. Call a helpline and get advice.

Best of luck

underneaththeash · 18/02/2023 10:39

Just give notice to end the tenancy, he doesn't need to agree.
Then find somewhere else to live (and stop having children with unsuitable men).

Liz1tummypain · 18/02/2023 10:30

That would be it for me. Sorry that you have kids to consider too. Although I doubt they will miss him. Sorry OP, sending you best wishes.

Bananalanacake · 18/02/2023 10:28

He must have lived somewhere before he moved in, can't he move back.

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 10:25

ladygindiva · 18/02/2023 10:00

First off ; LTB. Secondly, about the joint tenancy being required for UC claim, did he tell you this? Because I don't believe that was required at all. My DP and I claimed UC a couple years back when he lost his job, he is not named on my tenancy ( and never will be) and it was never an issue, or mentioned at all.

No they said it when I first put the claim
in when he was off sick for 10 months. They said it was an untidy tenancy and I would need to ask my landlord for a tenancy with both of our names which I very reluctantly did. It was the worst decision I ever made but I felt I had no choice as there was only me working at the time and SSP and my wage was not enough to live on.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 18/02/2023 10:06

Wait till he's out and change the locks then contact the landlord say he's left and you need a new tenancy agreement.

Keep a record of this abuse. I would not leave him with the children alone either.

ladygindiva · 18/02/2023 10:00

First off ; LTB. Secondly, about the joint tenancy being required for UC claim, did he tell you this? Because I don't believe that was required at all. My DP and I claimed UC a couple years back when he lost his job, he is not named on my tenancy ( and never will be) and it was never an issue, or mentioned at all.

RatedAce · 18/02/2023 09:51

Leave?

ladymacbeth · 18/02/2023 09:48

Honestly just wait till he's out, change the locks and leave his stuff outside.

What's he going to do, sue you?

ShimmeringShirts · 18/02/2023 09:35

You have seven children, you may have low self esteem but taking care of seven kids means you’re an amazingly strong, accomplished woman and as scary as it feels right now, you’ve got this Flowers

You absolutely don’t and shouldn’t have to put up with his behaviour, I’d suggest speaking to your landlord about a fixed term tenancy (even if it’s just 12 months) where it’s only your name on the lease.

Keep talking on here for support, even if it takes months having people here to talk you through things and having a place to get all your feelings out will benefit you more than anything. I hope you’re ok and safe today Flowers

Grizzledstrawberry · 18/02/2023 09:35

Get rid, he's vile.

lanbro · 18/02/2023 09:30

In my experience the police do take verbal abuse seriously. I've recently reported my xh, he is still emotionally abusive despite being divorced for 5 years. The PC who visited took lots of information, I was contacted just the other day to check how things were, and advised of routes to take. You can seek a non molestation order and an occupation order to take sole residence.

Sandunesandseashells · 18/02/2023 09:28

I would ignore his presence, don’t do anything for him, no shopping, cooking or clothes washing. Don’t make conversation with him and answer with fewest words possible. Tell the children who are not his that they do not have to do anything he says because you are no longer a couple and hopefully he will be gone soon - I’d do that in his presence.

Separate bank accounts and live separately although under the same roof if he refuses to leave. Make him feel lonely, unwanted and a nuisance whenever he is home. I would start ‘disappearing’ stuff of his that is left lying around to the bin too; he can keep it all out of your way or lose it. He will try to outstay his welcome but in reality no-one wants to live where they are unwanted.

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 09:24

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 18/02/2023 09:12

Can you contact the landlord or estate agents and ask for him to be removed from the tenancy? You will need to check if you are allowed to do that. As I'm not 100%

When is the next renewal? Take him off then and send him packing.

It can’t legally be done sadly, I’ve looked into this before. Landlord would always keep me as the tenant I have no doubt. It would have to go through a court process to have him removed. Im on a rolling tenancy so there’s no renewal date as such. I wonder if I could speak to the landlord though and ask that he give him notice to quit. I do worry about the implications of it all in the meantime. This is all so scary but I know there’s no other way. This is never going to change, he’s certainly not my happy ever after either. I can’t bare to be anywhere near him but he’s just acting as normal. I’m going to get the kids ready and go out shortly although our child has chicken pox so he will have to stay home with him 😩

OP posts:
Imthegingerbreadwoman · 18/02/2023 09:12

Can you contact the landlord or estate agents and ask for him to be removed from the tenancy? You will need to check if you are allowed to do that. As I'm not 100%

When is the next renewal? Take him off then and send him packing.

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 09:05

RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:52

Yes I should imagine they will as he was removed by them that night. I’ve had a look at the link but it all looks very confusing, maybe it’s just my state of mind right now. I have a local group I can contact for help after a quick FB search. I have texts that could support any application I make to a court to hve him removed. Thank you.

Show quote history

Oh I can imagine it is all a bit overwhelming. Can you contact women’s aid to ask for the local woman support services. I wonder if there might be some kind of support worker who could help you though the process.

Honestly you’d think the police would have left you with some basic information.

whatever happens I hope it works out for you. Sounds like a really difficult spot to be in.

Bunny2607 · 18/02/2023 09:03

my ex used to hurl insults at me whenever we fell out. calling me fat ugly etc. eventually i got sick of it and took me and my son and got out of there. He still throws insults now
whenever we disagree on something which isn’t often now, but its made me realise he never would have changed if i’d stayed. I personally couldn’t be with someone like your partner so my advice is to get out of there as everyone else has said. You shouldn’t be with someone who uses you against you. He picked the one thing he knows you are conscious of, and used it against you. Even if you do have a mum pouch then he should honour your body for giving him his children!! Fwiw i would kill to be a size 12/14 so straighten your crown lady!

SeriouslyLTB · 18/02/2023 08:57

Oh OP, he sounds absolutely awful.

It may be difficult, and you will need to steel yourself for more horribleness, but you will feel SO MUCH BETTER once you’re free.

And - whilst this is massively irrelevant because you are allowed to take up whatever space you want - at size 12-14 unless you’re 4 foot I doubt you look fat at all.

💐

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:52

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:41

A brief look at women’s aid website shows a few routes to managing joint tenancy situations.
Presumably the police will have record of attending your address and you might have some texts etc that prove his verbal abuse? If so maybe you can apply for an order to get him out the home?

Yes I should imagine they will as he was removed by them that night. I’ve had a look at the link but it all looks very confusing, maybe it’s just my state of mind right now. I have a local group I can contact for help after a quick FB search. I have texts that could support any application I make to a court to hve him removed. Thank you.

OP posts:
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