Tips for dealing with miserable dh

Have you considered couples counselling?

Suggest doing X,Y,Z this weekend and if he makes excuses not to, tell him it's cheaper than couples counselling and he has a choice; either

1. come along enthusiastically and willingly PLUS it's then his turn to come up with a plan for next weekend's family activities and a date night (including organising childcare) OR

1. you're going to organise couple's counselling to discuss how unhappy you are with his lack of participation in family life/organisation of family &/or couple's activities which will obviously be paid for out of the family finances and he'll need to arrange childcare for that instead.

His decision, essentially, is to discuss how he's rotting your marriage (which will no doubt result in him having to participate more if he wants to improve it) or cut out the middle man of talking/couple's counselling and just participate more now.

Maybe but you're the one thsts gonna be drinking prune juice in your recent future:)

I think lockdowns killed a lot of people's motivations to get out and about and plenty are still adjusting. I can see how if you've had a new baby recently that would also contribute to him being more tired/less willing to go out. What was he like prior to Covid times and had you been together for a reasonable length of time when he was being more enthusiastic and planning family days out?

'He's definitely got worse since covid. It's like he's gotten used to being at home all the time and now even the most simple of things is a stretch.'

I think Covid has longer term effects than we know. It's the devil's job to get my DP out of the house even for a walk. He's depressed, apathetic and constantly complains of being tired. If he's up and dressed by lunch he's done well. Trying to discuss why gives him panic attacks. He's always been a bit reclusive but since Covid he's become a real hermit. It's proven that it does change the brain chemicals.

I had one of those , thank god I left him to it now hex miserable on his own.
Our lives are happy and laughter filled now, just imagine another 40 years of seeing his sulky face, Jesus. What some women put up with.

Why not work to your strengths. You said he is good in other ways and you are clearly good at planning things.

why not plan them in and let him know what the plan is? I do this and it works fine. Usually have a discussion before hand about logistics etc

Organise your own stuff with your own friends, that’s what I would do.👍🏼I had a friend who was married to a man for 40 years who loved going to the Pub straight after work and then coming home to sleep/drink a few more cans in the armchair. She had a good life out with friends doing masses of things which she enjoyed/having lots of hobbies…so the relationship worked

He won't change, so you might as well learn to just crack on and do your own thing.

@BreviloquentBastard Yep I agree- occasionally you get the reverse - a Kevin from motherland- and that's strangely unattractive too!!

Will he do/organise things on his own with the DC? I've never been big into 'family days out' as I think they can be too prescriptive and almost 'forced' but DH and I would do a lot of things separately with our DC ..... DH is big into sports so they would do lots more sporting activities together ... I would do different things such as farm parks, zoos etc which didn't particularly interest my DH. We did some 'family things' altogether but in my opinion no point two adults being bored senseless at a 'family activity' just for the sake of it. Of course if he really does nothing then it's a different matter.
I also think there is a sort of 'mummy martyr' who takes over the responsibility for organising everything and the DH just gets sidelined and probably can't be bothered to take the initiative now. I have a couple of friends like this ..
now retired and no DC at home but she is totally the organiser of what they do and how they spend their time. Her DH can't/won't even go for a walk without her agreement.

This

It's so true @BreviloquentBastard
I'm really interested in people and look around me a lot - I don't think I've ever seen eg a family of 4 having a picnic, or at a restaurant, where the man doesn't look like he'd rather be anywhere else but. The woman too probably, but she gamely holds it all together trying to make sure everyone else, but her, is happy.

I really do think a lot of men don't want to be fathers at all, they just stumble blindly into it because it's "the done thing" and then sulk when they're expected to actually be an active part of the family they created.

If he wants to act like a teenager sat on his console all day I'd let him, as a single man.

I'm sorry that ltb isn't an option for you or many other women. My ex was like this, and I was lucky enough to be able to afford to divorce. It is insane how much happier I am now without that dead weight to think about. Our house is such a happy house now. I get that women can't divorce for financial/logistics reasons, but if it's 'for the kids', my experience is that they'll be fine.

Why isn’t ltb an option when he doesn’t want to engage with your lives together and contribute?

Why would you want to live like this?! He sounds lazy and disengaged. Tell him to book up his ideas and start participating in making family life fun and active. And if he doesn't want to, he can be single again and do fuck all then?

So he prefers to game than go out with his family ?

I don’t get the resignation by some posters that they/ the op should just accept that they are the ‘planners’. That’s rubbish. That’s the same as accepting that you are the washer upper and cleaner.

I'm afraid it gets worse with age OP. They only get more miserable imo.

I've got many female friends who I have fun with instead to make up for it.

If you don’t want to leave then I’d just go about my life however I wanted to.
Organise your own days out with DC, get up get dressed and go off together to the park, have a coffee, meet friends for play dates. Go on city days to free children museums, galleries and libraries.

Find hobbies that you enjoy so that when DC are at school or a bit older and you have more time to yourself you can fill your time and have satisfaction in your own life - exercise, crafting, writing, running, reading - anything that will bring you pleasure and not need you to rely on DP for company.

When he complains about being left out just simply say “you’ve never really been that bothered about it before Dear so I’ve let you off the hook, ta ra now, me and DC are off to the beach”

Perhaps when he sees how much you enjoy your family time and life he may decide to be an active participant in it.

My feeling is you won’t last long term in a relationship where all the mental load is on you, but in the meantime this would be my approach to counteract the sour face po

I could have written this tbh. Did his parents ever do family days out? I think some of this is what "family behaviour" you have modelled in your own childhood. I feel like my DH is lazy as he doesn't have loads of ideas or enthusiasm for days out either, but he has no frame of reference for it as his folks didn't really do it either

Leave him. You’ll be much happier believe me. Don’t want to live your life with a dead weight dragging you down

I have one of these, and unfortunately have no useful advice. Everything is too expensive, too time-consuming or can’t be done because we have to get x, y, and z finished first.

As a result my mum has had a lovely time going on regular outings with me and the dcs over the last ten or so years, but I’d have loved dh to be with us instead. He has missed out on so much and is only getting grumpier over time.