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AIBU?

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Original poster

It's a wedding one

62 replies

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:16

DH's bro lives in Canada. Originally had intended to get married in May this year. We (and other relatives) kept asking for dates form a year before so we could look at flights/accommodation but no info was forthcoming. Then he told MIL and DH he didn't love wife to be, they are having a lot of problems etc and he wanted to move back home on his own. It transpired that they had paid a deposit on a hotel but had cancelled it.

He came home for a couple of weeks in September then decided to go back to her. No mention of the wedding. Then last night he text to say they are getting married in July now.

My issue is we have just booked a break away in June. Our first since 2019. I am returning to work from maternity leave this week so we are not flush. I looked at flights and apartments for July. We have two children and one will be 15 months so need something family friendly. I estimate if we go we will be out thousands. Canada is so expensive. Flights and apartment alone will be in the region of 4K.

I mentioned to DH that maybe him and older child should go on their own (they will both be part of wedding party. DH will be best man).

I don't want to spend our savings on somewhere I wouldn't choose to go otherwise. Plus I don't think it'll be much fun for me and toddler. Bride will be a bridezilla and will
expect to dictate the whole holiday.

DH is moping about the house about having to go without me.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 10:10

They should be grateful DH is going at all at such short notice.
Who has spontaneous money to spare for 4 people to Canada at the last minute ? I’d imagine not that many.
Think we’ve all agreed the 5yo shouldn’t go, use a bit of extra money to get your DH a refundable ticket if the difference isn’t huge and leave them to it

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/02/2023 10:04

I think he's afraid B&G will be annoyed that we're not all going too

Then they'll just have to be annoyed - after all you've done as much as you can with suggesting he goes alone or with just the older child, and if you can't afford more then you can't

TBH from all you've said there doesn't sound much to celebrate about this particular marriage anyway, so I guess you could always save up for his next one!

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 10:04

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:57

@RealBecca you're so right. Once I've said my piece to him I'll be stepping back and letting him sort it. DH's family are so different to mine. They are all super polite to each other. If it was my brother I'd have rang him straight away and told him straight!

That’s great that they get on, they can share nicely.
Even those apartment hotels, with several rooms, that have small kitchens, saves quite a lot !
.Maybe just plant those ideas in their heads and let them get on to it as PP said.
Maybe your MIL will enjoy the search, she must be excited for her son’s wedding, but maybe also secretly worried about the cost as well !

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:57

@RealBecca you're so right. Once I've said my piece to him I'll be stepping back and letting him sort it. DH's family are so different to mine. They are all super polite to each other. If it was my brother I'd have rang him straight away and told him straight!

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 09:55

RealBecca · 04/02/2023 09:51

I mean this kindly hut I dint get why you ar ethe one doing research and solving the problem. Personally in your shows od leave it all to DH to figure out. Let him look at costs and come up with ideas. You arent his mum and you dont need the stress.

True, but OP seems the best candidate to find a cheaper deal unfortunately, if he wants the 4 of them to go!

pictoosh · 04/02/2023 09:54

"you’re not in a position to piss away money on a trip you don’t want or need to take to see two silly people get married for the wrong reasons"

This was my bil's wedding/marriage too. He met her on the internet, we met her briefly the once while she was visiting over here. Next thing you know...we're getting married in Argentina this summer, please deplete your savings and get a loan so you can fly out here for a week to witness it.

No man, don't be daft.

lanthanum · 04/02/2023 09:52

You've already spent this year's £1k holiday budget. DH going will use up most of next year's. Explain that, and say you'll start saving for a trip when the children are a bit older.

RealBecca · 04/02/2023 09:51

I mean this kindly hut I dint get why you ar ethe one doing research and solving the problem. Personally in your shows od leave it all to DH to figure out. Let him look at costs and come up with ideas. You arent his mum and you dont need the stress.

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 09:50

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:46

@Godlovesall26 I'll be planting that seed today. It'll be a fraction of the cost plus DH could maybe share a room with someone else to cut costs even further.

Yes and also look at Airbnb style appartements/houses with several rooms for him to share with his parents, and whoever else wishes to

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:48

@pictoosh completely agree. Two self absorbed people. When we got married we went for a hotel that was convenient for guests. We did our best not to put people out. Where we're from most people have receptions approx two hours away.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:46

@Godlovesall26 I'll be planting that seed today. It'll be a fraction of the cost plus DH could maybe share a room with someone else to cut costs even further.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 09:45

Yes, it’s very inconsiderate. Especially if all his family is still in the UK

MzHz · 04/02/2023 09:43

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:21

I think he's afraid B&G will be annoyed that we're not all going too. I think he thinks as it is a close family member we should be pulling out al the stops to go

Well he’s better start playing the lottery or something because you’re not in a position to piss away money on a trip you don’t want or need to take to see two silly people get married for the wrong reasons. Tell ‘em you’ll be saving the money for a trip to console him when it all goes tits up…

seriously , your DH is a child. Tell him to man up and realise that he isn’t in a position to devastate your finances on a whim. He can tell his brother that he’ll go alone or if that’s an issue, not at all. You’ve all been asking for ages for dates to plan and he’s failed to consider that his family will need time to prepare

fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/02/2023 09:43

If you get a gift keep the receipt!
Dh pandering to expectations he goes is crazy..
If ils so want him /you /dc there they can pay! Not sure why attending a wedding should cost more than a card and gift. Possibly a taxi but not a bloody plane fare! ^^

pictoosh · 04/02/2023 09:42

I don't know who these people are who think their wedding is a good thing for others to spend thousands of pounds on.

But it's his brother.
But it's his wedding.

Getting married is not an achievement or an emergency. If you haven't got thousands to fritter on attending a wedding, you haven't got it. It's not like a roll of notes is going to pop out your arse.

VivaVivaa · 04/02/2023 09:40

Forgetting all the drama of BIL and his wife to be…I think DH should go on his own. Seems madness taking a 5 yo and I wouldn’t relish that thought, especially if I was playing a crucial role in the wedding. MIL and FIL may well adore him but are they really going to want to spend the whole of their others DS’ wedding being on child entertainment duty?

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 09:37

Have you looked at the price difference if you add your son ?
Not to mention I’d be paying that extra fee for a refundable ticket !

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:35

@Godlovesall26 MIL and FIL. They adore DS.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 09:34

I’d be sending your DH only : who will be looking after the kid while de does all his BM duties ?

Notateacheranymore · 04/02/2023 09:33

Regardless of being his brother, if I was DH, I wouldn’t be going at such notice.

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:33

@Jonagirl I said the exact same thing last night. I completely agree with you. DS will be bored to tears. DH says he will book activities to take him to 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/02/2023 09:31

Tell your DH you'll go to his next one. Failing that that you'll start saving in case this one gets cancelled again, and is rescheduled for next year.

pictoosh · 04/02/2023 09:29

We didn't go to BIL's Argentinian wedding owing to the same thing - too expensive (by far) and sacrificing annual leave too. He was furious but it was a thoroughly unrealistic expectation from the get go.

Jonagirl · 04/02/2023 09:29

At 5 I wouldn't be taking him either. So he is 4 now, and as the wedding has just been announced has no clue about it, is too young to understand it and won't be disappointed so definitely let dh go alone, save on the extra airfare and your dh will probably enjoy it more and could go for a shorter time.

5 year old are in wedding parties as cute props mostly, don't be putting too much thought into him having to be there because he was asked to be in the wedding party

Original poster
QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 09:29

@Eastereggsboxedupready she's dragging him up the aisle as quick as she can before he changes his mind again. It'll never last.

I'm annoyed because we deliberated over booking our June break for 1k recently! And now the wedding is just sprung on us with the expectation that we will be there. I don't think it would enter their heads that ppl might have made other plans already or can't afford it.

OP posts: