It's a wedding one

QueenLagertha · 2023-02-04T09:16:37+00:00

DH's bro lives in Canada. Originally had intended to get married in May this year. We (and other relatives) kept asking for dates form a year before so we could look at flights/accommodation but no info was forthcoming. Then he told MIL and DH he didn't love wife to be, they are having a lot of problems etc and he wanted to move back home on his own. It transpired that they had paid a deposit on a hotel but had cancelled it. He came home for a couple of weeks in September then decided to go back to her. No mention of the wedding. Then last night he text to say they are getting married in July now. My issue is we have just booked a break away in June. Our first since 2019. I am returning to work from maternity leave this week so we are not flush. I looked at flights and apartments for July. We have two children and one will be 15 months so need something family friendly. I estimate if we go we will be out thousands. Canada is so expensive. Flights and apartment alone will be in the region of 4K. I mentioned to DH that maybe him and older child should go on their own (they will both be part of wedding party. DH will be best man). I don't want to spend our savings on somewhere I wouldn't choose to go otherwise. Plus I don't think it'll be much fun for me and toddler. Bride will be a bridezilla and will expect to dictate the whole holiday. DH is moping about the house about having to go without me. What do you all think?

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 13/06/2023 10:19

Given their past history I would bot want to pay so much if its a struggle when they will likely be divorced six months later!

Original poster

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 13:51

@Godlovesall26 in laws are far from poor but extremely frugal. They'll be out to get the best deal. FIL was already spitting feathers last year when the wedding was mentioned I wouldn't like to have heard him last night when the news broke, he's a tight as a ducks ass 😂 but yeah you're right, if things aren't moving this week I'd need to get involved.

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 12:33

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 12:26

Do you get along with MIL ?
If so, can you call her yourself and just gently ask like I know you must have so much to do, would you like me to help with accommodation searching ? Mention that the apartment hotels with cooking facilities would be cheaper and allow more family bonding time. And ask her who she’d be comfortable sharing with ? And number of bathrooms

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Other option : she gets her own room with FIL, and asks around who else would be happy to share one of those appartement things in the same hotel. She’d only have to go for cooking

Brefugee · 04/02/2023 12:28

Just tell them you're not going because you have already made plans. Your DH can go, that's up to him but he will have to budget. B&G get snotty? he tells them that they have been flaky and what do they expect?

if you all go? go to the wedding and any wedding related events you want to. Everything else is your holiday and they butt out.

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 12:26

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 12:22

@Godlovesall26 that's what I'm worried about. I've told him to speak to MIL etc and see what they can come up with. Im happy to help them with searching for accommodation if they can decide what they want to do. It usually is me who arranges things like this anyway. I'd be delighted to be cutting the costs as much as possible.

Do you get along with MIL ?
If so, can you call her yourself and just gently ask like I know you must have so much to do, would you like me to help with accommodation searching ? Mention that the apartment hotels with cooking facilities would be cheaper and allow more family bonding time. And ask her who she’d be comfortable sharing with ? And number of bathrooms

BlueHeelers · 04/02/2023 12:26

Ask him what spending HE will cut out in order to be able to afford your company?

Original poster

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 12:25

@MzHz we would love to have him home. Would book him a flight right now out of my own pocket. We darent say any more as we're afraid he will cut contact with everyone completely. And also that he will dig his heels in even more. He was starting to get angry and blaming MIL for the break up as the shit hit the fan when she went over to visit 🤦🏼‍♀️ he's a lost cause

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 12:22

@Godlovesall26 that's what I'm worried about. I've told him to speak to MIL etc and see what they can come up with. Im happy to help them with searching for accommodation if they can decide what they want to do. It usually is me who arranges things like this anyway. I'd be delighted to be cutting the costs as much as possible.

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 12:22

MzHz · 04/02/2023 12:18

She wants nobody from The Smith Family to come over so she can manufacture a grudge and distance BIL from everyone

he’s in a deeply damaged relationship, it will get worse, it will ruin his life and already has done. He will meet someone else, but not if she’s dragging him down.

he needs to get out. I’d rather the airfare spent on him to come home rather than stay with her, but whatever…

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Yes sounds dreadful.
Hopefully her detailed timeline for first baby is still a while away…

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 12:20

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 12:05

Thanks so much @Godlovesall26 that's kind of what I did already including the Skyscanner app. I'm saying no more about it to DH I'm going to leave it up to him now to sort himself out. Hope you feel better soon 😘

It shouldn’t be your role, but I’d keep an eye on his progress in organisation if I were you, prices will only go up, and that will affect you both
Especially as it sounds like quite a few don’t really want to go, that leads often to procrastination, can be a huge waste of money depending on your luck or not

MzHz · 04/02/2023 12:18

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 10:24

@Godlovesall26 @Puzzledandpissedoff not at all. MIL is heartbroken that he is going ahead with the wedding but is wise enough to keep her mouth shut. We've all spoken to BIL about it when he was home. He basically said he is afraid of not meeting someone else. He's a bit of an idiot tbh.

MIL went over to visit last summer and stayed with them. At one stage bride to be took BIL in to the bedroom and was shouting at him about spending so much time with his Mother and not with her 🤦🏼‍♀️ she treats BIL like dirt and has given him a list of things he must do for her daily that MIL found. She has a timeline ie wants to be married by age x, first baby at age x and so on. He does all the cooking, cleaning.

BIL told me that she doesn't want to be "one of those women who lets someone else raise their children". Said to me who works full time 😂 I look forward to the princess having children and the harsh reality smacking her in the face.

I suspect bride to be doesn't want us all to come to the wedding anyway. She doesn't have many to invite on her own side. A group of BIL's extended family were interested in going to the original wedding. BIL told us bride to be said she didn't want the "smith" family taking over her wedding and making it all about them 😂
So maybe she knows that the last minute invite will mean most of his family can't go now

She wants nobody from The Smith Family to come over so she can manufacture a grudge and distance BIL from everyone

he’s in a deeply damaged relationship, it will get worse, it will ruin his life and already has done. He will meet someone else, but not if she’s dragging him down.

he needs to get out. I’d rather the airfare spent on him to come home rather than stay with her, but whatever…

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 12:07

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 12:05

Thanks so much @Godlovesall26 that's kind of what I did already including the Skyscanner app. I'm saying no more about it to DH I'm going to leave it up to him now to sort himself out. Hope you feel better soon 😘

Thank you.
The cozycozy app I quite like also

best wishes

Original poster

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 12:05

Thanks so much @Godlovesall26 that's kind of what I did already including the Skyscanner app. I'm saying no more about it to DH I'm going to leave it up to him now to sort himself out. Hope you feel better soon 😘

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 12:00

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 11:57

The quickest way if you want a little peace of mind, without having to actuality deal with the organisation of it all is to go on booking, type the address, then play around with number of rooms etc and see what comes up. It’ll only take you max 15min.

Actually if you feel comfortable of course, I’m sick today and insanely bored ha, you can give me the location of the venue by pm and a few general criteria, I’d be happy to do it for you (I’m the default planner for holidays that even aren’t mine ha, I just enjoy it)

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Only if you feel comfortable of course, I completely understand if not. Just click appartement and dates, it’ll be quick

Im a European international student so I’d never for the life of me figure out who you are btw !

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 11:57

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 10:54

Thanks all. Glad I posted.

The quickest way if you want a little peace of mind, without having to actuality deal with the organisation of it all is to go on booking, type the address, then play around with number of rooms etc and see what comes up. It’ll only take you max 15min.

Actually if you feel comfortable of course, I’m sick today and insanely bored ha, you can give me the location of the venue by pm and a few general criteria, I’d be happy to do it for you (I’m the default planner for holidays that even aren’t mine ha, I just enjoy it)

deeperthanallroses · 04/02/2023 11:01

I can’t say I would care that my bil was mad if it was because we couldn’t afford to go to his overseas wedding with only 6 months notice. Tough shit, from the sounds of it it will be the first in a long series of consequences he will have to deal with, being unhappy being a major one of those.

Original poster

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 10:54

Thanks all. Glad I posted.

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 10:29

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 10:24

@Godlovesall26 @Puzzledandpissedoff not at all. MIL is heartbroken that he is going ahead with the wedding but is wise enough to keep her mouth shut. We've all spoken to BIL about it when he was home. He basically said he is afraid of not meeting someone else. He's a bit of an idiot tbh.

MIL went over to visit last summer and stayed with them. At one stage bride to be took BIL in to the bedroom and was shouting at him about spending so much time with his Mother and not with her 🤦🏼‍♀️ she treats BIL like dirt and has given him a list of things he must do for her daily that MIL found. She has a timeline ie wants to be married by age x, first baby at age x and so on. He does all the cooking, cleaning.

BIL told me that she doesn't want to be "one of those women who lets someone else raise their children". Said to me who works full time 😂 I look forward to the princess having children and the harsh reality smacking her in the face.

I suspect bride to be doesn't want us all to come to the wedding anyway. She doesn't have many to invite on her own side. A group of BIL's extended family were interested in going to the original wedding. BIL told us bride to be said she didn't want the "smith" family taking over her wedding and making it all about them 😂
So maybe she knows that the last minute invite will mean most of his family can't go now

Oh that sounds lovely… no I definitely wouldn’t send your 5 yo in these circumstances.
I’d get a refundable flight for your DH and encourage him to share one of those appartements with cooking facilities, as big as they can find, with his family. Saves on expenses and at least makes for a family gathering and a sightseeing trip if all goes to hell ?

Cosyblankets · 04/02/2023 10:27

If he wants you all there he should have given more notice. You can't expect to put your life on hold on the off-chance his wedding is back on

heldinadream · 04/02/2023 10:26

What a dysfunctional shit show. Book/commit to as little as possible because the chances of it all going tits up again are astronomical.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/02/2023 10:24

It’s the short notice thing ...

From the sound of things, if they'd delayed it the whole thing may well have been off again anyway, but that's hardly OP/DH's fault

As said, they're doing their best in suggesting DH goes alone or just with one child, so frankly I'd say this to the B&G and leave it at that

Original poster

QueenLagertha · 04/02/2023 10:24

@Godlovesall26 @Puzzledandpissedoff not at all. MIL is heartbroken that he is going ahead with the wedding but is wise enough to keep her mouth shut. We've all spoken to BIL about it when he was home. He basically said he is afraid of not meeting someone else. He's a bit of an idiot tbh.

MIL went over to visit last summer and stayed with them. At one stage bride to be took BIL in to the bedroom and was shouting at him about spending so much time with his Mother and not with her 🤦🏼‍♀️ she treats BIL like dirt and has given him a list of things he must do for her daily that MIL found. She has a timeline ie wants to be married by age x, first baby at age x and so on. He does all the cooking, cleaning.

BIL told me that she doesn't want to be "one of those women who lets someone else raise their children". Said to me who works full time 😂 I look forward to the princess having children and the harsh reality smacking her in the face.

I suspect bride to be doesn't want us all to come to the wedding anyway. She doesn't have many to invite on her own side. A group of BIL's extended family were interested in going to the original wedding. BIL told us bride to be said she didn't want the "smith" family taking over her wedding and making it all about them 😂
So maybe she knows that the last minute invite will mean most of his family can't go now

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 10:21

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 10:19

True if the bride is Canadian I guess.
But it’s the short notice thing also, flights and accommodation would have been much cheaper.
And OP said they weren’t flush after maternity leave, needed a child friendly hotel… so would be using their savings. OP said 4K just for accommodation and hotels, that money could go a long way with 2 young children

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Accommodation and flights sorry.
It would be strange if DH didn’t go yes, but the rest of the family not as much

Godlovesall26 · 04/02/2023 10:19

Alexandernevermind · 04/02/2023 10:13

I don't think organising a wedding in the country you actually live in is self absorbed. Is the bride Canadian? I can't blame your dh for being upset that you don't want to go. Is it a case of your really can't afford it, or do you have the money earmarked for something else?
Your family obviously don't like the bride, but is it becauee your bil talks back about her after arguments?

True if the bride is Canadian I guess.
But it’s the short notice thing also, flights and accommodation would have been much cheaper.
And OP said they weren’t flush after maternity leave, needed a child friendly hotel… so would be using their savings. OP said 4K just for accommodation and hotels, that money could go a long way with 2 young children

Alexandernevermind · 04/02/2023 10:13

I don't think organising a wedding in the country you actually live in is self absorbed. Is the bride Canadian? I can't blame your dh for being upset that you don't want to go. Is it a case of your really can't afford it, or do you have the money earmarked for something else?
Your family obviously don't like the bride, but is it becauee your bil talks back about her after arguments?