Ex stepdad massively overstepping

I hope your friends ok a year on @Flamingle18

Your friend needs to move out and cut all contact.

Sincere apologies, I really shouldn't multitasking. I'm so sorry.

What on earth? Your friend needs to stop giving this totally unrelated male unfettered access to her young teenage ‘people pleasing’ daughter.

His lack of awareness around the total inappropriate nature of his behaviour is one red flag among hundreds.

Why on earth are they accepting it so meekly?

@Cherrysoup
Have you even RTFT? It isn't the child's biological father being a pain, it's her mum's ex, the child's stepfather.

Errr YES - I RTFT!!

you clearly didn't read my post with your glasses on - which talks specifically about her (to be) ex husband having no PR etc . And how the ex (step father) is being difficult

Goodness , you quoted a post you didn't even take time to read !

It's creepy, he left his wife but wants access, it's almost like he wants her on her own.

Some useful info here for your friend. I take it her ex hasn't already got any parental responsibility via a formal agreement or court order? www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/children/step-parents/

The child's father needs to tell him straight: "you are not her dad, she has a dad. I'm her dad."

He might not like it but if he's not with the mum anymore, he can't take a parent role with the child. Your friend needs to be seriously concerned about this level of involvement. She should probably cut contact completely. It's all very sinister. No way would I give another man access to a teenage girl. Especially with her age and puberty etc.

the parents meaning mum and dad.

He is over stepping and behaving like a dick.
He’s not the child’s parent, but I think this is something for the parents to remember during the relationship too.

Have you even RTFT? It isn't the child's biological father being a pain, it's her mum's ex, the child's stepfather.

“Also he's her ex husband so she has spousal support rights, has she sorted that out?”

they are still married - separated but not divorced

Should have added -he had no place to be cross or controlling!

“DF needs to consider if she lets her ex DH have DD overnight in future if she cannot trust he will return DD on agreed date and time. I'd be furious he kept DD out of school away for longer than agreed”

The ex has not done this.

bio dad took DD out of school with her mum’s agreement and school were ok.

mum took DD to a funeral abroad which took 4 days rather than 2 and school were ok.

The ex was cross about both of these things.

This man would not spend one more minute alone with my Dd.

Nor have any phone / message access that I was not monitoring.

The whole situation is red flag bunting. But even if he is not a direct risk it is not fair for a child to be the target of inappropriate intense attention or control, or be a pawn in adult manipulative stuff.

OP, who knows: men target single women with daughters. It clearly wasn’t a marriage made in heaven, as so short lived.

And your DF should never have allowed her DH to step into so much influence over her Dd. Money direct from him etc.

Listen to the social worker who has posted.

Tome for your DF to get real, and hard nosed.

School mailing list..!

I hope your friend is reading this thread OP

It's simple to resolve the school thing
DFriend simply emails the school and advises she has separated from her DH, he has moved out they no longer live together and he is to be removed from school contact or consent to share information list .

Then he won't get invited to school stuff and will be removed from school liking list- it's GDPR breach if not

if he turns up at future parents evening a) he won't know when DDs specific parent teacher appointments are and b she can ask him to leave and go into school asking a teacher to assist as he has no PR and no consent to information if he doesn't leave

That will also stop his arranging time out of school

DF needs to consider if she lets her ex DH have DD overnight in future if she cannot trust he will return DD on agreed date and time. I'd be furious he kept DD out of school away for longer than agreed

Legally he doesn't have PR and has zero rights here

He would have to make an application to court for child arrangements order but it wouldn't look good that he's already kept DD out of school for what was an unauthorised absence by her mother and father

It does sound like she is best leaving and moving away to rental situation where he isn't LL. Also he's her ex husband so she has spousal support rights, has she sorted that out?

He needs to step back and your friend should seriously consider cutting him off. It's not nice, but neither is his behaviour, one of the worst things about step parenting is the loss of contact with kids you may have grown a bond with should you split.

It's a risk you take when step parenting and sounds like he hasn't accepted that as an outcome of the split. Think about your friends situation, if she got into another long term relationship, she could have a string of step dad's doing this, what a nightmare! - she needs to be clear on boundaries up front next time and tackle it head on this time.

This whole thing gives me the prickles. Time for a new phone (and new number) for DD's 14th birthday?

Your friend should also start keeping any and all evidence she has or can get about him overstepping, behaving in a threatening or unreasonable way, etc. If he can afford to throw money at DD he can afford to throw money at applying for a court order.

It isn't victim blaming unless you believe that the only thing women can be in life is a victim. Believe it or not, women can also make good and bad decisions in life that contribute to the situations they are in. They have agency and autonomy to make their own choices. They are competent and capable and create the lives they live. The lack of boundaries in the relationship has contributed to the situation. She chose to not be an equal partner in the relationship and that is a big problem that has come back to bite them now. I didn't say that that was the sole issue responsible for everything he does. As you saw when you read my post, I clearly said she may need the school and police and DC's father involved to manage his current behaviour.

“Your DF messed up by letting him pay for them and by wanting the benefits and not having good boundaries in place during the relationship.”

oh, give over with this victim blaming. You really think this guy is only acting this way cos he was “allowed” to pay for family days out or whatever when they were married? His reactions of turning up to parents’ evening and not allowing the DF to be alone with teachers are not to do with that.

Your Df should never have accepted any money from him for anything towards the DD. That blurs the line. He isn't a parent but it sounds like he had financial responsibility for the DD like a parent would. Did he also have parental responsibility in other ways - childcare or driving her around or doing other parental tasks? Since the child has two involved parents, it seems the lines here were blurred and he was included in her life as a parent and to him, divorcing her mother doesn't end his parental role.

He clearly is going to need boundaries put firmly in place. Your DF messed up by letting him pay for them and by wanting the benefits and not having good boundaries in place during the relationship. She can talk to the school and police for backup. Daughter's father and her should also be on the same page for messaging if he contacts.

She rents off him... Financial control... This has coercive control written all over it.

Do some reading up OP. See if it raises alarm bells. But yes this is a massive safeguarding issue at play and should be taken up with the school

DF can step in and say he thinks there is a problem and tell the school this directly, if mother isn't. Mother should be doing this anyway. SF doesn't have legal rights and his controlling behaviour is a massive red flag and should be treated as such.

The child may be being used to coercively control the mother or has an unhealthy relationship with the daughter. Either is not good.

End of conversation.