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Original poster

Aggressive school mum

163 replies

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 14:17

Our two sons, both KS2 are usually friends but sometimes fall out. Yesterday they fell out and pushed each other and ended up with a graze each. I spoke to my son (again) saying that since he only falls out with this boy, it might be better to just play with his other friends instead, and move on from this friendship. The other mum is very angry, doesn't acknowledge her son's responsibility in any of this, and every time it happens sends me angry texts. She started texting me last night about it and most of today, including trying to get mutual friends involved.

When she text, I said that I think they're equally to blame, but she went on and on and in the end I said that we're just repeatng ourselves and I have nothing further to add. She, however, continued to send angry texts last night and on and off today, which I haven't acknowledged. I'm due to pick my son up soon and am dreading her marching across the playground causing an argument. She's naturally quite loud and aggressive whereas I find any confrontation absolutely mortifying. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
queenqueefy · 01/02/2023 15:36

Block her number.

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 15:33

but the teachers sure as heck shouldn’t be getting in to squabbles between the Op and this other parent!

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 15:31

girlfriend44 · 01/02/2023 15:29

poor teachers, they are there to teach they cant keep getting involved in little squabbles all the time.

Just let the kids sort it out, they will soon be friends and lighten up everyone. All this aggression and worry. parents cant keep getting invloved in everything, they werent there so they dont know what happened anyway.
part of lifes learning.

When 10 year old boys start to have physical fights as these two are - damn right the school should get involved

girlfriend44 · 01/02/2023 15:29

poor teachers, they are there to teach they cant keep getting involved in little squabbles all the time.

Just let the kids sort it out, they will soon be friends and lighten up everyone. All this aggression and worry. parents cant keep getting invloved in everything, they werent there so they dont know what happened anyway.
part of lifes learning.

SchoolTripDrama · 01/02/2023 15:29

FYI - I am categorically NOT defending the other mother's handling of this! Just to make that very clear!

SchoolTripDrama · 01/02/2023 15:24

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 19:57

Thank you for all the lovely messages. Sorry it’s taken so long to reply, the evenings are pretty full with dinner and homework etc. I’ll try and respond to a few comments:

Could you ask a friend to walk to / from school with you, for moral support?
I usually bump into other mums on the way to school, so yes I did arrive with a few friends. I did tell one of them about it so she would be pre-warned in case anything happened.

A simple, "neither of them should be pushing/hitting, I've told ds this and I've asked the school to keep an eye on them, feel free to do that same", should be enough.
She doesn't acknowledge that her boy did anything. She claims that he was the innocent victim.

What exactly does she want? What is she saying in her message?
She is angry and wants me to apologise for my child’s behaviour, and she wants me to acknowledge that her son is the victim and my child is aggressive. But it’s simply not the case. I get this every time they fall out, although this is the first time that she has relentlessly text me about it. I usually tell her that both children are to blame, she rants a bit and then goes away. This time she has ranted on loop to the point where I told her I wasn’t going to reply any more and have just ignored the messages. She hasn’t stopped and keeps trying to provoke a response.

Sorry to hear that so many of you have experienced similar - or worse!

Physical fighting at KS2 can get serious.
It can, but in this case it really wasn’t. Neither boy is particularly boisterous. They both pushed each other in the playground, but a teacher was right next to them, saw it and told them both off.

Is this an amorphous terror, or do you have specific concerns about what she might do with her anger?
I think I’m being irrationally worried because I hate confrontation. Although if she ever did have a go at me at school, my overriding feeling would be embarrassment.

Are you sure you want him playing with the child of such an aggressive parent - do they play out of school, & that's why you have each other's numbers? I'd put a stop to any of that, I would not want my child potentially subjected to her anger.
We have each other’s numbers because we are both on the class chat. I certainly don’t want them playing together outside of school (or in school if I could help it).

Give her full eye contact, stand tall & still, fold your arms across your chest & just watch her like she's a David Attenborough exhibit.
I love this.

If you're worried about the opinion of anyone who is not your friend - stop. You do not need their opinion, good or otherwise.
That’s good advice.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you for the link, that’s really helpful.

So this afternoon she didn’t confront me on the playground. I arrived with friends and even when she walked past me, nothing happened. However, it seems that she complained to the school today with what seems like a skewed version of events. From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story. My DS is really upset because he said that they both pushed each other. Her DS 'confirmed' that he was an innocent victim.

that her son is the victim and my child is aggressive. But it’s simply not the case. What proof do you have of this? Unless you have actual evidence either way, then you cannot be so certain!
They may well have both been equally to blame but also, she may be correct! Unless you were there when it happened, you cannot possibly say "But it's simply not the case"

WhatNoRaisins · 01/02/2023 11:25

In my experience at school the kids learn to give those with overly involved parents like this a wide berth. I'd be advising your son to focus on other people and avoiding drama with this boy.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 10:33

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

Your child’s form teacher is shit if this is indeed the reality of what happened

I agree.

I would definitely be going into see the HT.

How dare the teacher reprimand one child, whilst not witnessing what happened, not allowing the child to speak, all while another teacher actually was a witness.

Very poir behaviour.
The HT needs to be involved.

Allowing both children to speak and finding out what actually happened is very basic practice.

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

Your child’s form teacher is shit if this is indeed the reality of what happened

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story.

His form teacher has taken this mothers word over a colleague who actually witnessed the incident?

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:13

I'm not sure they'd actively defend me because most people don't want to get involved and escalate things

you need to get new friends. You’re saying if this woman came over and aggressively had a go at you.. none of your “friends” would say anything?

at 10… for two boys to be falling out fairly regularly, that is unusual. What are they “falling out” over?

Original poster
OhWhatNowYouFish · 01/02/2023 10:10

I emailed the teacher and she has responded. I apologised for emailing her about something that should be so trivial, but because the mum is still sending angry texts, I asked if the boys could be kept away from each other as much as possible.

I got a somewhat generic response back, saying she'll keep an eye out. She said she has also replied to the other mum. Hopefully that's the end of it now.

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:09

Fighting at 10 is actually quite serious because these aren’t small boys

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:07

I find any confrontation absolutely mortifying.

you are “dreading”

you are “terrified”

These are the words you use, and indicate someone very anxious about the situation and I don’t expect you to post the messages but I do suspect that you have inflated them in your mind and on this thread

Original poster
OhWhatNowYouFish · 01/02/2023 09:58

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 07:34

I missed how old

KS2 is 7-11. How old are the boys?

They are 10

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWhatNowYouFish · 01/02/2023 09:58

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 07:24

I would be interested to see these messages

I am getting the impression that the OP is a an anxious very sensitive so I’ll and perhaps has somewhat inflated this exchange in her mind

I can't show you the messages because I would hate to be identified. I'm not an anxious person generally and have a wide circle of friends where I suppose people would say I'm too laid back rather than overly anxious. However the idea of having a public argument at school would be absolutely mortifying. The texts themselves I don't mind, but because she has got herself worked up much more than usual, sending loads of texts to me, texting my friends, talking to the teacher, I am worried about what might happen next. She's not getting the response from me that she wanted, so seems to be doing what she can to provoke a response.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWhatNowYouFish · 01/02/2023 09:49

KettrickenSmiled · 31/01/2023 23:10

Is this an amorphous terror, or do you have specific concerns about what she might do with her anger?
I think I’m being irrationally worried because I hate confrontation. Although if she ever did have a go at me at school, my overriding feeling would be embarrassment.

Thanks for the update OP - now buy yourself a present to help you distinguish assertiveness from confrontation, increase the former in yourself & deflect the latter in others* *😀- www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Thank you, I might just do that.

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 07:34

I missed how old

KS2 is 7-11. How old are the boys?

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 07:24

I would be interested to see these messages

I am getting the impression that the OP is a an anxious very sensitive so I’ll and perhaps has somewhat inflated this exchange in her mind

KettrickenSmiled · 31/01/2023 23:19

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 21:51

Well the issue is that they are saying similar things but placing the blame on the other child. They had a short argument about something inconsequential. My son says that the other boy overreacted and pushed him. Then DS pushed the other boy in retaliation. The other boy says the opposite. I've just spoken to DS because I was a bit hazy on the details but apparently the nearby teacher got involved yesterday because the other boy went and told her. I asked DS why he didn't tell the teacher and he said that he used to do that but got told to 'stop telling tales'.

I think I'm going to email the teacher, not because I want anything done but because it has escalated disproportionately and I just want the teacher to know the other side of the story. I feel really silly telling the teacher about all this, she must have much better things to do with her time.

Show quote history

Apologies, am confused - what does it matter what the class teacher said, when the playground teacher witnessed the whole thing. ticked both boys off, & the matter was assumed closed by the playground teacher?

Surely a follow up to the class teacher, explaining that her colleague had already dealt with it so to confirm it with her instead of choosing to believe one boy over another, is all that's necessary now?

As you say - NOT because this tiny incident needs fussing over, but so that she is alerted to the fact that of these 2 squabbling boys, one of them has an aggressive mother who likes to shitstir.
I'd want the class teacher to acknowledge that, so she doesn't jump to conclusions based on hearsay again.

MovinOnUp · 31/01/2023 23:16

Why are people like this?
I would just block her and move on as best you can, People like this never see reason.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/01/2023 23:10

Is this an amorphous terror, or do you have specific concerns about what she might do with her anger?
I think I’m being irrationally worried because I hate confrontation. Although if she ever did have a go at me at school, my overriding feeling would be embarrassment.

Thanks for the update OP - now buy yourself a present to help you distinguish assertiveness from confrontation, increase the former in yourself & deflect the latter in others* *😀- www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

VestaTilley · 31/01/2023 23:03

I’d send her one last message saying her behaviour is unacceptable, and that you won’t be replying to her from now on. Ask her to direct any further communications via the Head teacher. Then block.

Suggest to your DS he doesn’t play with this boy anymore, and inform the Head of what has happened.

WilburTheIron · 31/01/2023 22:49

You could actually say in the email ‘I feel really silly telling you this, but I feel I have to as the other mother is being aggressive towards me, and it’s becoming close to harassment, along with my child being singled out now.’

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/01/2023 22:48

Why are they even still going near each other? I'd be telling my son that he should not play or engage with the other boy for now as it always ends in them pushing each other. Tell him to play with his other friends instead and give him some strategies for what to do if the other boy approaches him to try to wind him up. Ask the teacher to let you know if they see your son repeatedly try to play with the other boy so that you are aware and can discuss with him at home about why he is doing that.

As for the mum, if she approaches you I'd simply say "yes, seeing as they can't seem to get on, I've told my DS it's best if they steer clear of each other for a while. I've asked the teacher to monitor things. Perhaps it's best if we also have a break from each other." And walk away.