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Aggressive school mum

163 replies

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 14:17

Our two sons, both KS2 are usually friends but sometimes fall out. Yesterday they fell out and pushed each other and ended up with a graze each. I spoke to my son (again) saying that since he only falls out with this boy, it might be better to just play with his other friends instead, and move on from this friendship. The other mum is very angry, doesn't acknowledge her son's responsibility in any of this, and every time it happens sends me angry texts. She started texting me last night about it and most of today, including trying to get mutual friends involved.

When she text, I said that I think they're equally to blame, but she went on and on and in the end I said that we're just repeatng ourselves and I have nothing further to add. She, however, continued to send angry texts last night and on and off today, which I haven't acknowledged. I'm due to pick my son up soon and am dreading her marching across the playground causing an argument. She's naturally quite loud and aggressive whereas I find any confrontation absolutely mortifying. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
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Lupiemumof1 · 28/05/2023 10:03

I agree, the fact that she hasn't been able to have a proper adult conversation with her & is doing bullying tactics but trying to get the other mum's involved (ganging up mentality) says it all & probably her kid gets it from. Inform the school, one to separate the children, two incase she kicks off in the playground. Tell her you are no longer entertaining the conversation & block her. I had a similar situation with a mum like this & if I'm being totally honest, I wanted to let her know that I am not that B* she can bully & wanted to knock her out 🤣 especially as there had been many occasions where I'd witnessed her kid being a bully right in front of her, yet she didn't have s** to say because she was too busy chatting to the other mums. (The thought soon passed & I ended up feeling really sorry for her). Bullies will be bullies.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 03/02/2023 22:01

Whatislove82 · 03/02/2023 07:30

@ReformedWaywardTeen
The thing is, the other mum is aggressive and clearly thinks her DS is a perfect. I've met many of these types and it's best to ignore as they thrive on attention.

where the heck do you live?! I have never met an aggressive mum
mind you… I’m an outlier on mumsnet as never aware of cliques at school and continue to enjoy friendships I made during primary school years 😂

I used to volunteer with two different children's groups and trust me, you meet all the crazies and the aggressives and the "my child is perfect and would never so much as look at someone in a bad way" parents.

It's one of the reasons I used to volunteer and don't continue to

I also had one particular mum whose child latched onto my far less at the time forthright DD in primary. The child was pretty well known for being a terror. But their mum would not believe it and would always blame the poor kid or teacher or assistant who her kid had terrorised. She picked on DD constantly and DD was pretty timid and accomodating until one afternoon I think she had enough and told her to go away and leave her alone. Queue aggressive mum going batshit at me and telling me to discipline DD severely. I felt for the kid because parenting where you are never wrong teaches them fuck all but a sense of entitlement. It also doesn't wash at secondary where this poor kid struggled to make friends.

Theunamedcat · 03/02/2023 16:17

Whatislove82 · 03/02/2023 07:30

@ReformedWaywardTeen
The thing is, the other mum is aggressive and clearly thinks her DS is a perfect. I've met many of these types and it's best to ignore as they thrive on attention.

where the heck do you live?! I have never met an aggressive mum
mind you… I’m an outlier on mumsnet as never aware of cliques at school and continue to enjoy friendships I made during primary school years 😂

There was a fight at my sons school the teachers dropped the blinds so the kids couldn't see and kept them inside until they were separated and removed from the playground this was at school pick up time

Whatislove82 · 03/02/2023 07:30

@ReformedWaywardTeen
The thing is, the other mum is aggressive and clearly thinks her DS is a perfect. I've met many of these types and it's best to ignore as they thrive on attention.

where the heck do you live?! I have never met an aggressive mum
mind you… I’m an outlier on mumsnet as never aware of cliques at school and continue to enjoy friendships I made during primary school years 😂

ReformedWaywardTeen · 03/02/2023 06:06

OhWhatNowYouFish · 01/02/2023 10:10

I emailed the teacher and she has responded. I apologised for emailing her about something that should be so trivial, but because the mum is still sending angry texts, I asked if the boys could be kept away from each other as much as possible.

I got a somewhat generic response back, saying she'll keep an eye out. She said she has also replied to the other mum. Hopefully that's the end of it now.

The thing is, the other mum is aggressive and clearly thinks her DS is a perfect. I've met many of these types and it's best to ignore as they thrive on attention.

What would make me annoyed is the second teacher.

Why has this one become involved way after the event? The first teacher who witnessed the incident dealt with it at the time. This should have been logged and relayed back to the second teacher.

Why on earth has she taken the word of one pupil and his whiny mother over the actual teacher who saw it, over your DS and now presume from the generic email response you got, your word too?

To have a go at your son days later and leave him upset after school is disgusting and smacks of favouritism towards the other boy and potentially his parent too.

At this stage I would flag the teachers behaviour and show the headteacher the texts from the mother too. Suggest the headteacher speaks to the first teacher who witnessed and quite rightly told both boys off. And that your DS wants an apology from this second teacher as do you and reassurance she won't let personal favourites or connections to a parent cloud her judgement again.

What a horrible person!

Liz1tummypain · 02/02/2023 18:52

Gobby mums, who needs them? I'd block her, avoid and move on. The boys will have to sort things out. They will.

petmad · 02/02/2023 15:21

Block her from youre phone dont engage and if she does come up to you and harass you. Just say stop any more of this harrassement and im going to inform the police Kids fall out but shes acting like a bully and bullies need taking down a peg or 2

Peony26 · 02/02/2023 07:34

In the future if you have any issues like this. Then ask the school for a meeting with them and the other mom at the end of the school day.

That way the school can relay exactly what happened, and it can be dealt with there and then.

It sounds as though she is of the belief that your boys bullying hers and she’s had enough! If it’s true you can take action, or it might be hers bullying yours and she needs to take action or it could be as you say a silly squabble, but at least the school can give you that facts and a misunderstanding about what happened wouldn’t be escalating things out of proportion

stacyvaron · 02/02/2023 07:05

It's awful, but could be a wonderful life lesson for your son. Let him see how to calmly and politely interact and set boundaries with someone who is hostile,aggressive and loud.

Northeasttreasure · 02/02/2023 03:43

Not worth getting into rows with the boys parent. Your doing right thing by not responding to her. Kids are kids whilst parents are rowing the kids will be playing together. Block her number.

Mamanyt · 02/02/2023 02:03

And, in the future, ignore or block her texts. DO NOT ENGAGE. No one can argue with themselves indefinitely.

LoisLane66 · 02/02/2023 00:58

Ignore completely and walk away as soon as you've collected your son.

OverCCCs · 02/02/2023 00:36

Wow, OP, from your nonchalant tone about the boys pushing one another I assumed they were tiny 7 year olds.

Now that I know they’re 10 year olds, I do have shades of doubt about whether this is truly the lighthearted roughhousing that got blown out of proportion that you’re making it out to be.

Maybe the other mother really does have reason to be upset with you brushing her and the incident off.

T1Dmama · 01/02/2023 22:51

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story.

His form teacher has taken this mothers word over a colleague who actually witnessed the incident?

^ This ^
Surely the teacher that was ‘right there’ and witnessed this incident can put an end to this?! Ask him/her exactly what happened and if her son started it you can smugly tell her and their teacher that they both owe your son an apology… if it was your son you can respond accordingly!
Hopefully she’ll request her son is moved moving into next year. I feel it’s wrong for a teacher to tell a kid off without the facts.

CrazyLadie · 01/02/2023 22:44

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 19:57

Thank you for all the lovely messages. Sorry it’s taken so long to reply, the evenings are pretty full with dinner and homework etc. I’ll try and respond to a few comments:

Could you ask a friend to walk to / from school with you, for moral support?
I usually bump into other mums on the way to school, so yes I did arrive with a few friends. I did tell one of them about it so she would be pre-warned in case anything happened.

A simple, "neither of them should be pushing/hitting, I've told ds this and I've asked the school to keep an eye on them, feel free to do that same", should be enough.
She doesn't acknowledge that her boy did anything. She claims that he was the innocent victim.

What exactly does she want? What is she saying in her message?
She is angry and wants me to apologise for my child’s behaviour, and she wants me to acknowledge that her son is the victim and my child is aggressive. But it’s simply not the case. I get this every time they fall out, although this is the first time that she has relentlessly text me about it. I usually tell her that both children are to blame, she rants a bit and then goes away. This time she has ranted on loop to the point where I told her I wasn’t going to reply any more and have just ignored the messages. She hasn’t stopped and keeps trying to provoke a response.

Sorry to hear that so many of you have experienced similar - or worse!

Physical fighting at KS2 can get serious.
It can, but in this case it really wasn’t. Neither boy is particularly boisterous. They both pushed each other in the playground, but a teacher was right next to them, saw it and told them both off.

Is this an amorphous terror, or do you have specific concerns about what she might do with her anger?
I think I’m being irrationally worried because I hate confrontation. Although if she ever did have a go at me at school, my overriding feeling would be embarrassment.

Are you sure you want him playing with the child of such an aggressive parent - do they play out of school, & that's why you have each other's numbers? I'd put a stop to any of that, I would not want my child potentially subjected to her anger.
We have each other’s numbers because we are both on the class chat. I certainly don’t want them playing together outside of school (or in school if I could help it).

Give her full eye contact, stand tall & still, fold your arms across your chest & just watch her like she's a David Attenborough exhibit.
I love this.

If you're worried about the opinion of anyone who is not your friend - stop. You do not need their opinion, good or otherwise.
That’s good advice.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you for the link, that’s really helpful.

So this afternoon she didn’t confront me on the playground. I arrived with friends and even when she walked past me, nothing happened. However, it seems that she complained to the school today with what seems like a skewed version of events. From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story. My DS is really upset because he said that they both pushed each other. Her DS 'confirmed' that he was an innocent victim.

She told him off without even asking for his side of the story, I wouldn't be happy with that. I got called to school one to be told my son had aggressively ripped his best mates jacket, wee man was beside himself thought it was because he hates getting into trouble, spile to him when I got home and got a very suffering story, Caleb his best mates Mum and she said her son was telling the same story as mine and it wasn't even my son who pulled the jacket and ripped it, poor toot lost golden time and all because the teacher didn't bother to ask the kids what happened and she didn't see clearly from where she was. I phone the assistant head and told her exactly what happened and asked why they didn't bother to actually ask the kids what was going on

ThereIbledit · 01/02/2023 21:55

Why haven't you just blocked her already? It's the most passive non-confrontational thing you can do without doing absolutely nothing in self-defense at all!

RAC001 · 01/02/2023 21:45

Change your mobile number, contact the teacher and if she approaches you at the school about why you didn't contact her back tell her you changed your number.
Remove yourself from it all, it's not worth the stress.

Augustmummy · 01/02/2023 21:28

she is bullying and harassing you. Report it to the school and keep records every time she contacts you. You shouldn't be dreading coming into the school and terrified. You need to do something about this woman - don't let her win by not speaking up about it. She will get addicted to bullying you and start getting a kick out of it. Don't let it get that far.

Starlitestarbright · 01/02/2023 21:13

At 10 they should be able to sort it put themselves. God help them both when they go to senior school. I thought it was two 6 year olds.

Laisydaisy · 01/02/2023 20:45

I love this book. It was written by a friend of my MIL although I didn’t know that when I first came across it. She also wrote one about sex called The Mirror Within’. It’s years since I read it and it may not be in print now but I thought that was terrific too

Bunnyfuller · 01/02/2023 20:39

She is as convinced her son isn’t at fault, as you are about yours. Children are very good at giving an edited version of events. The playground teacher told them off and you and the other mum have dug your heels in. Who cares WHICH kid started it, just tell your son not to behave in that way, and let it go. And fgs get out of the cliquey WhatsApp group. You can survive the school years without it.

You need to learn the difference between kids bickering, and actual bullying, or it’s going to be a draining few years.

Atsocta · 01/02/2023 20:37

Definitely inform the school .. what a bully!!

Wimin123 · 01/02/2023 20:32

Blimey that mother sounds like a lot of the ones on here tbh - just read a thread on a mum with an unwell child struggling with work - not much sympathy as usual.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 01/02/2023 20:10

Covermeinsunshine · 01/02/2023 19:47

I’m calling BS. I read this that the incident happened and the other boy went to a teacher with what had happened. (instigators don’t do this) The teacher didn’t investigate properly (as is often the case).

OP you admit these two boys have a history of falling out. How do you know your son isn’t a bully? He’s not going to admit that he caused it or that he’s not being a nice kid.

The mother has tried to sort this with you, but you’re one of those passive parents that thinks boys will be boys and her son couldn’t possibly be instigating anything…. the other parent must be irrational.

I’m going to hazard a guess that the other Mum is hacked off, because you won’t acknowledge that your son is out of order, and is messaging other parents because he is in fact out of order with other kids, but no one wants to get involved.

Keep an eye on your son, because it sounds to me like he’s a little sh*t and he’s also not being truthful to you… though I suspect the truth isn’t really what you want to hear.

I would possibly disagree.

Having worked in a primary school for many years, instigators quite often DO report an incident to a teacher in order to get their version in first - particularly if they’re manipulative. They can be switched on enough to have worked out that the adult will sometimes start to have formed an opinion on what happened based on a one sided account. Most experienced staff will have learnt it’s always worthwhile following up and questioning both parties before making an assumption.

As a parent too, I’m aware that the home version can also differ from what happened in school but I think the OP would be wise to let the school know they are aware there has been an issue and let them deal with it as appropriate. You’re correct in the fact that some parents cannot ever accept that their child is at fault and that they are the wronged party, but unless this was a huge incident, there is no necessity for parents to get involved. So often I’ve seen it happen, only for the two children involved to be the best of mates again within a couple of days!

Welshmonster · 01/02/2023 20:07

It is not schools job to sort out issues between parents. There is enough to do with sorting out the kids drama

report the message online to 101 police as harassment. Keep the crime reference number and keep adding the messages.

if you are worried for your safety, schools are allowed to bar people from the school grounds as a last resort.

it sucks but for a short while you could ask if you could collect your pupil 15 mins before the end of school day from office. Then you have been and gone and not there to engage.

inform other parent you are informing police of the content of her the threatening messages.