Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

This op....is bang on.

You seem to be doing all that you can't the moment. You don't need to take responsibility (financial) of anyone in my opinion. Counseling waiting list is really long and they have a lot of backlog so if possible see you can find other options for the same. My work offers like a couple of sessions of counselling which helped me when I needed it the most.

You have apologized and to be honest your friends response feels like she is milking the situation. The dynamic doesn't sound quite healthy to me . So try and get out of this accomodating her for free situation. I really wish you well op.

I cannot imagine why she lives rent free-la la land! I'd ask her to leave and get in a paying lodger.

This living arrangement sounds very unhealthy. She needs to make plans to move out.

You might have been emotionally dependent on her but she seems to be completely financially dependent on you! Is this additional person to house something you need at this juncture? How can you focus on your kids who’ve also had a big upheaval and your own healing with someone else under your roof?

You don’t owe her a free house OP.

Many years ago I flatsharedu with a woman in what I now recognise was an emotionally abusive relationship. At the time, i just thought he was a twat and she was an idiot for putting up with it.

Eventually, the endless trauma and discussions and the conversations that were the same all the time just got too much for me.

I moved out.

Your friend should move out if your unhappiness, in your own home, is too much for her.

I see both sides here. Of course she doesn't want to be your emotional safety blanket and I don't blame her for that at all.

BUT... this is YOUR home and she is not a housemate but a guest as she's not paying. And yes, you don't have to hide in your own home.

It also comes down to HOW you have been leaning on her. Do you insist that she stays home/stays in the communal areas so you can offload and cry on her shoulder? Or is she complaining becuase you are miserable and she is (understandably) affected by your unhappiness when you're making and eating dinner or watching TV or whatever?

If the former, yes, you should change your behaviour for both your sake and hers. If the latter, I'm afraid I lose sympathy with her as it's YOUR home.

Your friend needs to move out and live independently - this in itself will resolve most of the problem, by giving you both space.

Something along these lines should work.

You might be going on a bit, but she’s being a bit harsh and forgetting how much you’re helping her..

Sorry
Op you need to feel safe &
Able to be your true self in your own home.
She NEEDS to move out.

I would be kind but firm when asking her to leave. Eg

Hello "friend"
I have heard uou and I agree. I value the friendship and don't want to further damage it but I do need to heal & the best place to do that is in my own home. I've been leaning on you unfairly as you're here. That's a problem & the solution is you to move out & our tunes together to be about fun & kindnesses. Let's say 4 weeks from today

Yeah she needs to move out.

So I see. That does change the dynamics.

Having read the update, I would ask the friend to move out!

A thing you can do to offload ‘to yourself’ is write it all down. Even if you just do it via voice dictation into your notes function on your phone.

You are going ‘on and on’ because you are stuck in a place where you are trying to process a huge amount of information and change and emotion without having a professional to help you do that. Writing can’t replace that, but while you wait for therapy or save for it, writing stuff down can be profoundly therapeutic and transformative.

I feel for you, a tough spot.

The op treats her with a free place to live. I think that's enough.

Can you buy her some flowers and treat her to a takeaway? I would do that and apologise and make an effort to talk about other things, such as her and her life.

A lot of people will not take feedback as well as you have. Give yourself some credit.

You shouldn’t be housing a friend for free for anything more than a very short-term favour.

Regarding your original question, I realised a was leaning on a particular friend too much and decided to see a therapist to offload to them instead.

"This is my fault entirely"
Nope. It isn't. It just isn't entirely your fault.

She's an adult who has choices about what she says and where she lives.

Why is she staying in your house? Is she paying rent.
How is she benefiting from the arrangement?
It's hard to advise without knowing the set-up.

Could this be about 'roles'.
If she is a bit bossy, strong-minded and controlling that may make some part of you feel safe and secure.
But the other side of that is that it is keeping you 'small'.

You seem to have an inkling that there is some troublesome dynamic that is getting exposed as time goes on.

When you say you're on the waiting list for therapy I assume you mean for nhs. This can take a while and is often short term when it comes.
There are many charities and community organisations which provide low cost long term therapy with no or short waiting lists.

Look up your area and the phrase 'low cost counselling' and see what comes up.

For your own sense of self and well being, as well as hers, it is good to become more resilient and self reliant. It sounds like this situation has put you a step along that path.

A lot of people find journaling/morning pages very useful and a cathartic way to off load thoughts - might be worth a try.

Wishing you well OP

For all we know, the OP could have asked the friend to move in for moral support!

I would agree I think she needs to move out. I know it's not your fault but having been in this situation it can get exhausting and spell the end for friendships. I've had a friend endlessly offload on me and it reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore and blocked her until she got help and got better. The thing is I also recognise being that way myself when I was very young so can see how these things happen and the fact you are able to have some insight yourself actually puts you in quite a good position to sustain this friendship because you recognise the pattern. It's going to be difficult not offloading some stuff but recognising when it's happening is halfway to resolving it. Are you able to get involved in any group things? Go onto the open university website and look for free courses you can do because you might find things there you can learn new coping strategies from so that you're not looking to your friend as a crutch. What sort of things are you offloading? Are there any other ways you can offload that without putting it on one person? Co dependence usually stems from emotional needs not being met elsewhere. See if you can find what's lacking and fill that gap in other ways.

Well you have great insight into your own emotions and impact of your behaviour. You sound like a good mate to me as you obviously care about your friend's experience of living with you.

I think I would apologise and maybe talk to your friend about how you can give her a bit more space? Thank her for her presence in your life etc. and tell her you don't want to be a burden, and maybe you should go your separate ways with your living situation when you can financially manage it.

I don't think you are as awful as you seem to think you are - give yourself a break, you are doing your best.

It sounds like you've been through a tough time. Sorry about that.

It also sounds like you recognise you've done wrong.

What I would do: start by apologising. Then find somewhere else to offload, e.g. a therapist. Then tell your friend that you are making a conscious effort to be a better friend and that while it might take time you hope you can get there. You ask her to let you know if you ever get too much, as your selfawareness isn't great atm.

What's the living arrangements? Does she live with you or you live with her.

When we're comfortable with someone we offload more than we think. You've taken on board what she's said, now it's making a mental effort not to offload onto her. Your life will get better, it won't be forever.

This but also it sounds like you need professional help, or more help if you're already getting some. Do you work and have a counselling support available to you? It is really hard when multiple things go wrong at one time, it can be all consuming but it won't be forever

If she stays living with you maybe agree boundaries, be both open and honest with each other. Or alternatively she moves out because its not working out.