Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

I think the summer holidays is too long in that case. If she wanted to be allowed to keep living for free in your house she can put a polite face on instead of being incredibly rude. I would probably give her 4 weeks but if she has anywhere else she could go you could give her less than that.

I'd be giving her notice to move out a lot sooner. Living together is clearly not good for either of you. The friendship may or may not be salvageable once you both have your own space.

I would be giving her no more than 2 weeks to get out - this is bonkers that you are letting her stay for months when she is the one who made you feel bad in your own home AND she is paying nothing towards the mortgage or upkeep of your home. Fuck that...

I'm sorry it sounds very tough.

I do think she should move out. You have both got yourselves into a place of dependency and therefore both probably subconsciously feel you are "owed" something by the other one and it's creating a fairly unhealthy dynamic.

You weren't wrong to want to talk about this situation, you are processing a lot of difficult stuff. But she's also well within her rights to want not to have you treating her like a counsellor. You know this already but you really need to get professional help for this. If you can afford to fast-track it by paying for it it might be worth doing.

You need to reset the friendship. Apologise if you feel you need to but I think it's definitely an "actions speak louder than words" situation. You have a chance of doing this if you move out, less so if you continue living together.

Terrible advice.

FFS! (facebook twattery)

I would take anything your "friend" tells you about yourself with a very large pinch of salt. I suspect she resents being dependent on you & has launched a personal attack in order to rebalance a power dynamic in her favour.

I asked her to move out and gave her until the summer holidays to find somewhere else. She has ended the friendship, not because of what I said, but because she'd had enough of me leaning on her, even though I haven't done so since we had that conversation.
I've now got to live with a non-friend until she leaves

No you haven't.
"I've miscalculated & it won't be possible for you to stay until summer. I need you to move out by April 8th"

There is no way you should inflict a twat like this on yourself, at the expense of your mental health, let alone your finances. She doesn't get to keep using you for another several months after treating you so badly.

Even if you DID overload her (we only have HER word for it & you seem - please forgive me - the self-flagellating type who accepts blame too readily) there were kinder ways of going about addressing that. She has been a weapons-grade bitch to you. Get rid of her asap.

When I went through an horrendous divorce I unloaded it all onto my neighbour who was my best friend. I did some worrying stuff which simply wasn't fair.
I didn't realise the effect it was all having on her until a mutual acquaintance told me. She had confided in him about the situation.
As soon as I realised I apologised and stopped. I think that's all you have to do. As awful as our own problems are there's a limit to sharing and burdening others, especially like your friend who is a captive audience. I hope things improve for you.

I'd tell her that for both your sakes she needs to leave way sooner than the summer. She is no longer a friend so you have absolutely nothing to lose. You went into this with good intentions. It didn't work out. (You won't be the first friends to fall out after living together - or the last.) At least you will be free of her soon. Sending best wishes.

Tell her it’s not going to work her staying until the end of summer and she needs to be gone in two weeks.

it’s fine for her to end a friendship that is no longer working for her it’s not fine to accept free living accommodation from you anymore

You don’t have to live with this non-friend. Tell her to go. She’s a guest, not even a lister paying you anything. You owe her nothing.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad she is leaving but the summer holidays (4 months) is a long time to live with someone who has decided she doesn’t want to continue the friendship. You are going through enough without sharing your home with someone who decided she’s had enough. I’d be cutting short the time you’re giving her. I think a month is enough. If she can’t find somewhere to rent in that tune then she can ask another friend to let her stay. Your responsibility is to yourself right now,

Give her 2 weeks to get out. You owe her nothing more.

Based on your updates op I’d definitely be asking her to move out. She’s obviously no friend and she doesn’t need to be sponging off you if she can’t provide a bit of support in return. With the money you’ll be saving you might be able to stretch to some counselling.

To me it’s swings and roundabouts you have helped her, she needs to help you by listening every so often

id she can’t do that then ok she cant

but i would be getting her to find somewhere to live

The way I read this is that she’s living with you for free apart from a contribution to food, but pissed of that you’re sad?? She needs to move out.

Thank God for this sensible post (the previous ones saying to apologise were 😳)

Whatever the dynamic is, she's living for free with you & needs to move out.

I'd ask (tell...) her to move out.

I'd also find yourself come other way to get support - low cost counselling does exist and will be more helpful and appropriate.

If you must keep her around (I'm sure you'll let us know the reason shortly that you couldn't possibly tell her to move out) then charge her rent and use it to pay a therapist.

It sounds to me as if you're both rendered unhappy by this house share -- you because you're continually trying to mask in your home to another adult as well as your children, when that should be somewhere where, to an extent, you should be able to be yourself and let your guard down, and your friend because she can't cope with your mental state, and is presumably also conflicted because she's financially dependent on you.

It's clearly best for you both if the arrangement ends. A pp suggested a kind but honest message.

Best wishes, OP. I think having your living space to yourself will help your MH.

How about she pays you rent and you use the money to access private therapy?

yes I have apologised, she says she wants changed behaviour rather than an apology because it doesn't mean anything (fair enough)

Cheeky melt! Who is she to demand terms when she's living rent - and presumably bills / Council Tax free?

Here's a changed behaviour for her - tell her to get a place of her own and move out.

If you’ve got a spare room could you rent it out to a lodger and use the money on private therapy or something else that would help to improve your MH?

Sounds like the situation is made much worse by her living with you.

I think she’s got a right cheek demanding to see changed behaviour while living with you rent free! I’d be telling her to get a move on

Start by helping her ; she needs to leave. When she moves on you may feel much better on your own.