Page 5 | Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

cadburyegg · 2023-01-30T11:14:27+00:00

My mental health is really dire right now and I have unintentionally offloaded a lot onto a friend of mine, who happens to be living with me atm. For background in the last 2 years I have separated from my husband, I'm now a single parent, of 2 young kids, my dad also died. I am on a high dose of ADs. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I try to go on walks most days. I am working, I have other friends who I see regularly. Anyway my friend has now said that she's at her limit, she's not my therapist, etc. you get the gist. This is my fault entirely and of course the fact we live together means she gets no "let up" from me. I want to take responsibility and fix things . I don't want to be a burden on people but I feel like that's what I am in danger of becoming. I want to be a better friend again. I just don't know how to find the strength because I am so sad all of the time. I don't know what else I can do to help myself mentally.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 13:40

she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff.

Says the shallow little twat who unfriended OP on facebook to make a point, while living free in her house. 😂

OP - are you going to be able to unequivocally tell her to get the fuck out of your house within a fortnight? I have horrible qualms that you know it's the right thing to do, but are so over-awed by this bully that you won't feel able to do it.

AliceOlive · 23/03/2023 13:30

She ended the friendship. Does she think you would have let a stranger stay in your home for free? Who exactly has the intellectual problem here? I think it’s the person who believes they can continue to use someone while telling them they no longer want to be friends.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 13:23

I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.
When you start your counselling, ask for help with self-esteem & maintaining boundaries.

The reason this woman has got away with being such a bitch to you is that she senses how worried you are about her good opinion, & she plays on it.
When you worry about what arseholes think of you, you hand them all your personal power.

Another long-standing issue I've had since she moved in (and I apologise for the massive drip feed, but of course I didn't know when i started the thread that this would be the eventual outcome) - is that she is very critical of me, and picks holes in everything, and often makes me feel very stupid. She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff. Which explains the critical comments from her I guess.

See? Self-esteem, & boundaries.
There was no reason for you to tolerate that degree of appalling disrespect.
I hope your counsellor is brilliant & helps you to understand why you bend over backwards for the good opinion of people who treat you like shit.

btw - you sound like a really decent, kind person.
Just don't allow your kindness to be taken advantage of again.
Here is some help with that - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Chickenkeev · 23/03/2023 13:14

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 13:05

To answer a few questions - I have not and am not intending to move out.

I agree that until the summer holidays is a long time. I wanted to be as reasonable as possible, and in her defense she did say that I have been more than reasonable. Of course, when I said that to her, I had no idea she was about to end the friendship. I will reconsider the timeframe. I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.

Another long-standing issue I've had since she moved in (and I apologise for the massive drip feed, but of course I didn't know when i started the thread that this would be the eventual outcome) - is that she is very critical of me, and picks holes in everything, and often makes me feel very stupid. She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff. Which explains the critical comments from her I guess.

I have never pretended to be anyone other than who I am. I have friends of various intelligence levels and I get different things out of each friendship. It never occurred to me to end a friendship with someone partly because we are not on the same "intellectual level". But anyway, she is entitled to end a friendship for whatever reasons she sees fit, as a pp mentioned above. It just surprises me, that's all. I just accept my friends for who they are.

She doesn't fully appreciate that her living with me is a massive compromise on her part, because she is so used to living in houseshares with people she doesn't know well, so for her, it's no different. I agreed with her that I became emotionally dependent on her, but I also pointed out that she had become physically codependent on me. She had no idea what I was talking about!

That drama triangle is useful - I will look.

Thank you all for the support.

BTW, as a side point, I have started counselling.

OP she's not as clever as she thinks she is, she's shot herself in the foot completely here! Don't give a second thought as to what she thinks, it's clear from this thread that nobody else thinks you are BU. Please get rid as fast as you possibly can and then give yourself a massive pat on the back for dumping the dead weight. She's a cah!

Silvers11 · 23/03/2023 13:12

@cadburyegg Just seen your update. We were posting at the same time! I'm glad you have started counselling but wanted to say something about this

I will reconsider the timeframe. I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.

She has said your friendship is at an end - so it really doesn't matter what she thinks now. Also it sounds like she has been making your life even more difficult than your initial post actually said. Tell her she needs to move in the next couple of weeks and stick to it. You need to protect yourself and your MH. YOU matter far more than your friend at this juncture

SmashedTable · 23/03/2023 13:12

You don't want to give her ammunition? You really need to work on not worrying about what she thinks. Her opinion of you is hers, it isn't fact. She is so toxic, and she is hurting you every minute that she is in your home.

Cupofteaforall · 23/03/2023 13:11

Well done op. Hopefully she will move out as planned or Sooner. Hang in there as an awkward phase is starting soon. Stay firm on your decision and I hope things work out well for you. Please don't feel too guilty. I bet you will think differently once she moves out and things will definitely settle for you.

Original poster

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 13:07

I meant to say "She doesn't fully appreciate that her living with me is a massive compromise on my part"

OP posts:

Silvers11 · 23/03/2023 13:06

I am so sorry @cadburyegg that you find yourself in this position. I can understand you offloading and, fair enough, your 'friend' can't deal with that any more - but you have been putting her up free to help her out, so there is/was a co-dependency there and she is NOT a nice person, if she has been so unkind to you. For all you know, you haven't been overdoing it at all: you only have her word for it - but even if you have, she has shown her true colours by kicking you while you were down, instead of just moving out to give you both some space.

She has now unfriended you and called time on your friendship - so PLEASE, give her a month at most to find somewhere else and do not feel sorry for her if she says she has nowhere else to go, wants to make it up with you. I'm pretty certain you will feel at least a little better after she has gone. No Way should you be hiding in your room, in your own house, to avoid her

I hope you can get some help/therapy to deal with your MH soon but realise it might be a while

FrostyFifi · 23/03/2023 13:06

OP stern talking-to time. You are being a total pushover. This person has ended your friendship so she is in no position now to accept your hospitality and live under your roof for free. You can be kind and give her two weeks but there is no way you can give her months more - your own fragile mental health will suffer enormously.

You'll also feel much better about yourself for being assertive here, and it's healthy to model that for your children. It's not healthy for them to see their mum being taken advantage of.

Original poster

cadburyegg · 23/03/2023 13:05

To answer a few questions - I have not and am not intending to move out.

I agree that until the summer holidays is a long time. I wanted to be as reasonable as possible, and in her defense she did say that I have been more than reasonable. Of course, when I said that to her, I had no idea she was about to end the friendship. I will reconsider the timeframe. I just don't want to give her any more ammo for her to think I am unreasonable.

Another long-standing issue I've had since she moved in (and I apologise for the massive drip feed, but of course I didn't know when i started the thread that this would be the eventual outcome) - is that she is very critical of me, and picks holes in everything, and often makes me feel very stupid. She also admitted the other night, that she doesn't find our friendship intellectually stimulating enough, and we can't talk about enough deep stuff. Which explains the critical comments from her I guess.

I have never pretended to be anyone other than who I am. I have friends of various intelligence levels and I get different things out of each friendship. It never occurred to me to end a friendship with someone partly because we are not on the same "intellectual level". But anyway, she is entitled to end a friendship for whatever reasons she sees fit, as a pp mentioned above. It just surprises me, that's all. I just accept my friends for who they are.

She doesn't fully appreciate that her living with me is a massive compromise on her part, because she is so used to living in houseshares with people she doesn't know well, so for her, it's no different. I agreed with her that I became emotionally dependent on her, but I also pointed out that she had become physically codependent on me. She had no idea what I was talking about!

That drama triangle is useful - I will look.

Thank you all for the support.

BTW, as a side point, I have started counselling.

OP posts:

MotherOfHouseplants · 23/03/2023 12:59

lazycats · 23/03/2023 12:21

Terrible advice.

Show quote history

Why?

SmashedTable · 23/03/2023 12:59

You two are firmly inside the drama triangle
I don't for a moment suggest you can look at this model and suddenly leave the triangle, it takes time and practice, but reading this may help you understand what is happening.

I think your friend's behaviour is outrageous and that you are very vulnerable. Honestly, I wish you had the support to get her to leave today because you are not actually safe in your own home. Please do at least reduce her notice to a week or two. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children.

The Drama Triangle Explained - Leadership Tribe US

The Drama Triangle was first described by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. It is a model of dysfunctional social interactions and illustrates a power game that involves three roles: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor, each role represents a common and ineffe...

https://leadershiptribe.com/blog/the-drama-triangle-explained

HereForTheFreeLunch · 23/03/2023 12:55

OP please don't stay in your bedroom.

If your presence in YOUR house makes her uncomfortable - she can stay in her bedroom.

Chickenkeev · 23/03/2023 12:53

As PP above said 'Weapons grade Bitch'. She is NOT in anyway a friend, she's kicking you when you're at your lowest. Kick her as soon as you possibly can. That'll soften her cough.

TheCentreSlide · 23/03/2023 12:53

Yes give her a fortnight. No more. This is outrageous. She’s grossly entitled if she thinks she can ‘unfriend’ the person letting her live rent free in their home.

Smineusername · 23/03/2023 12:52

She's a cheeky bitch

MaireadMcSweeney · 23/03/2023 12:49

You were rescuing her and looking to her to rescue you. She just wanted to be rescued without reciprocating it seems. Give her a week to move out, she's taking the piss now.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/03/2023 12:49

cadburyegg · 07/02/2023 21:46

thank you for all your comments. It's been awhile but I have digested all of them. I am going to speak to my friend soon. I just found out today that she has removed me as a friend from her Facebook friends list. I know it sounds a very silly thing to be upset about but I just feel so sad. I've been struggling with how I feel since the argument so I have just been in my bedroom most evenings. Feels very wrong

I think your mental health would improve if you asked her to move out.

SeulementUneFois · 23/03/2023 12:47

WTF!?

YOU are the one moving out of YOUR house?
While she continues to leave there rent free??

OP she's taking massive advantage of you.

Tell her to get out in a fortnight, and definitely don't leave your house.

TiaraBoo · 23/03/2023 12:45

Tell her she needs to pay rent as she’s a lodger not a friend

Lostmarblesfinder · 23/03/2023 12:43

You don’t live with non-friends she needs to move out. She doesn’t get to tell you the friendship is over and continue to live rent free in your home that is a completely unreasonable expectation on her part.

These things are never one sided. She is playing a role in this situation too. She is physically codependent living off your good will and you have been emotionally codependent.

I think it will help when she moves out because I agree with another poster that you are completely understandably stuck at the moment and you will be much much better off writing this stuff down and processing it externally than talking it through with friends which really doesn’t help as they cannot be productive with it. It sounds very tough and you will get there. Nothings stay the same forever. It can’t because everything around it changes.

Stomacharmeleon · 23/03/2023 12:42

I feel incredibly sorry for you. Don't wait until the summer she needs to go before that. You are housing her for nothing and I imagine your home is your sanctuary. I think she has been really cruel and I am sending you a big hug!

DisappearingGirl · 23/03/2023 12:42

What? You shouldn't have to leave your OWN HOUSE because your friend who is living there for free is making life difficult for you.

I would give "friend" a few weeks to leave. While she is still there, I would stay in your own house and do what you want in it. If "friend" has a problem with this she is free to leave anytime!!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 23/03/2023 12:40

you need to put yourself first rather than this freeloader. She's made it clear that she doesn't want you in her life and is now just using you for free accommodation.

Get her out - give her 2 weeks and start getting your life back on track.