Codependent friendship - and I'm the problem

Oh goodness, you've been through a LOT and this woman has absolutely confused you and twisted things around so that you feel you have some sort of weird obligation to house her.

You absolutely don't. Every day she stays is detrimental to your mental health, and you and especially your children NEED to you to be there for them, not crying all the time and hiding in your bedroom. It's YOUR home, your territory.

I know you feel like you have a responsibility to her, but honestly you don't. She is being a massive bitch to you and is undoubtedly contributing to your bad mental health. I think that the last day of March should be her last day under your roof. If she has so many intellectually stimulating friends who love being around her, then she can pack up her shit and go and stay with them and their lofty conversation about the finer points of Ukrainian anarcho-feminist literature.

One week. Then OUT. And you get your life back.

I've read all of your updates and I strongly agree that she needs to move out. She's not treating you well, considering she lives with you rent free. I'd actually ask her to move out in 6 weeks. That gives plenty of time. I don't know how you're going to live with her for longer, considering she's ended the friendship?

i work in mh/ dementia care and people constantly telling you their illnesses and problems has an impact on our lives too.

Well if they can’t offload to people whose job it is to care for them, who can they tell?

She needs to move out , you need to keep focusing on getting well but remember that you don’t need to tell people how you are feeling all the time.
i work in mh/ dementia care and people constantly telling you their illnesses and problems has an impact on our lives too .

Whose house is it? Is your ex-friend on the tenancy or the deeds? If not, she has no legal right to be there if you don't want her there. Put her stuff outside and change the locks.

Lol at this point I'd be "Thanks for your feedback, I respect your decision to end the friendship. I'd like my house keys back please, let me know when you will be collecting your things"

Hi @cadburyegg I’m really sorry that you have had a hard few years. I think you are blaming yourself here for something that isn’t your fault - you have been a great friend to your CF friend, you offered her somewhere to live indefinitely rent free and no bills, even though you have been having a tough time. She on the other hand isn’t prepared to offer you emotional support which is normal in a healthy friendship and especially given what you have done for her. Even if you overstepped (which I am not sure you did), she could have dealt with it sensitively and not with petty FB unfriending. She then was also ungrateful and disrespected your boundaries when you asked her to move out. Honestly I would give her two weeks’ notice, that’s perfectly reasonable. Good luck for the next chapter 💐

If she’s no longer your friend then in fact she’s just a freeloader.
Two weeks notice would be plenty generous, you can be rid of the awkwardness and criticism by a Easter!

She's got to go OP, sooner rather than later.

Wow I've only read your comments and updates. But OMG she is awful and not and never has been a friend.

You were useful to her, if she was a friend the constant nit picking and making you feel stupid just wouldn't happen, it's bullying and if it were a relationship people would advise you it's abusive.

no wonder you are struggling to get over the shit in your life when you come home to that.

It's your home were you should feel at ease. She's turned it all on you after picking at you making you feel worse, and then called you draining! She couldn't give a shining shit about you. you were a roof over her head and it was inconvenient that you lived there with her and were expecting more than a freeloading lodger.

please don't prolong this. For your own mental health tell her to leave ASAP give her week. if she's use to house shares she'll be use to finding another at short notice, she can crash at another friends(if she has any!) until she finds somewhere.

Fuck her, she doesn't deserve your compassion she had non for you.

The reality is that you helped with her accommodation and perhaps got her away from a difficult situation. Then you let her stay with you rent and bill free so in effect you have been subbing her financially. Yes, you have been dealing with a lot, your taking ad's and trying to get counselling. So you may have been leaning on her a lot. She said this to you and you tried to stop doing this.

Your doing the best you can at the moment. Your aware that you need more help. It just sometimes getting help like counselling can be hard due to waiting lists or the cost.

So now she unfriend you on FB and thinks she can continue to live rent and bill free with you in your house till the summer. That date will keep moving to suit her.
At this stage I tell her you have decided she has a month to get new accommodation and move out. I would remind her as well that she can well afford this after living rent and bill free with you since X date.

I think that for your own mental health you need her out of your house. You have now seen her true colours and why should you continue to help her after what she said to you. I would start to write things down about how you feel ect as this mey help you and date them.
I would also look up online and see if their are any low cost counselling services locally that you could avail of and chat to your GP also about getting counselling.

I would ask her to leave. She’s given you no choice.

Based on your additional posts I would send her a text.

Hi Ex friend,

Now that we are no longer friends it is unsustainable for you to stay in my house. I am staying with a friend for a couple of days to give you a chance to get your stuff together to move out. I will be back on Saturday. On Saturday I would get some support and head over there and move out her stuff if she is still there. This situation is absolutely toxic.

@cadburyegg

Sorry, why are you moving out of YOUR house? Is she actually planning on leaving at all or is she planning on taking up residence so she can claim your house as hers? Sorry to be so harsh but this person is not a friend and never was, she's a snarky freeloading parasite. How do you get rid of her, sooner rather than later, and get the locks changed so she can't get back in?

I really do hope things improve for you, you sound exceptionally kind and it infuriates me to hear how this person has abused your good nature and your vulnerability.

Sounds like it would be better for both of you if your friend moved out. The arrangement just isn't working for either of you.

OP, you are letting her live with you, because she is your friend.
She has ended the friendship, so she must leave.
Not by the summer holidays, that is a long time for her to "lean on you financially" and for you to be uncomfortable in your own home.

I think you need to go back and explain that you have now decided that you don't want to live in your own home walking in egg shells, so she had 2 weeks and then she must be out. Explain that she has also been leaning in you massively by living with you rent free, it goes both ways.
Did she agree to the summer holidays as a move out date, who does this, surely you just move out straight away in this situation rather than

Do you have anyone to help you "enforce" this if she becomes difficult?

Come on OP, she is living rent free in your home, while you are camping out at a friends, presumably with your DC? You need to get back into your home, and tell her to get the hell out. Why do you still think you owe her anything when she has made it clear she is not your friend?

Sorry I get it now. Totally read that wrong !!

Sorry? You have a non friend/lodger moved in. Yet it's not about money?!
If you don't need another person living in your house because you can afford to live alone with your children then why is this non friend lodger living with you?

As said your friend is playing You like a violin, complaining about you whilst benefiting from your generosity, deliberately messing with your head so you can't tell up from down and you carry on giving her a free ride
Get rid of this awful freeloader!!!

Tell her that since she has now ended the friendship it is too awkward and you would like her to leave sooner. Give her 2 months max!

You sound like an empathetic, kind person OP, who reflects and is able to see things from another’s perspective. I think she knows that and has used that to pile yet more hurt onto you. Who the hell would unfriend someone while living in their house gratis? You’re going to have to practice some assertiveness here.

This is really unclear. You just added that you're not moving out.

Give her 48 hours to get the fuck out of your house. Change the locks, keep doing your counselling, start learning about your boundaries. She is a weapons grade cheeky fucker!

Perhaps you could tell her that you need her to pay rent so that you can pay to improve your intellectual capability?

Sorry, I'm just so gobsmacked.

Wait, she's ended the friendship and is highly critical of you but is STILL living in your house rent free?

Come on.

OP - this woman is a complete CF. Tell her to go. Or at the very least, tell her that if she's not your friend anymore then of course, you have no reason to do her a favour so she must pay rent for her final few months.

She has a real brass neck and has clearly done a brilliant job of convincing you that you are the problem.