Inviting children to a wedding

should have said his biological son isn't to her

Opinions on this please...We are getting married abroad next year & have a no kids policy except our own and niece and nephew. My brother has a partner with 4 kids which are not his (we are not close with them) I'm not particularly a fan of his partner anyway (she has issues but she is mentally abusive and makes sure my brother doesn't visit his family or even our parents) Our whole family have kept our opinions to ourselfs but it blew up tonight when he said he can't come to the wedding as he can't tell her kids why his biological son is going but they aren't. (I already know this is coming from her as he said he was going with our without her to us a few months ago) Our wedding is abroad for our close family members and i see my nephew more than my brother does. I am not in anyway close to her or her kids (see them maybe twice a year at most)

It’s your wedding so you do what, and I mean EXACTLY what you want. It’s not about anyone else.

we had what I call a “semi- child free” wedding where we had a handful of children (who were my first cousins and all 8+ at the time) but extended family’s/friend’s children were categorically not invited. Of course one person kicked up a fuss, but guess what? We see them once a year at most now, so I couldn’t care less!!!

anyone that cares about you will be there, or politely tell you why they can’t be and that will be it

as long as it’s far enough in advance I’m sure most people can sort childcare anyway

Don’t invite them if you haven’t met them!!

you have no relationship with them! Just invite the ones you know.

this wedding is about you guys!

Not sure how you are getting that I think the B&G should invite everyone's dc.
I am a big fan of child free weddings.

What I actually said was
a)It's your wedding, so you can invite who you want to.
b)It seems perfectly reasonable to me not to invite dc you don't even know

so am totally in support of any B&G who don't invite dc of friends.

But the impression from the OP (which has changed slightly with the post after mine, giving more detail, but obviously I was commenting before that) was that there were going to be quite a lot of small children there.

I stand by the fact that it is quite annoying to be surrounded by loads of small children at a function that you have gone to without your dc, when you would probably be anticipating it being a much more adult orientated day.

Weddings with no dc are fine
Weddings with loads of dc are fine
Weddings with just the B&Gs dc or may DN are fine
Wedding with LOADS of small dc (which we now know isn't the case, but that is what I had perceived from earlier post), when you have made arrangements not to bring yours would be a bit annoying. Still, however totally up to the B&G, I was just putting forward my pov of what I would be thinking in that scenario.

Not RTFT but getting married in June, we’ve only invited select children (family and friends we see regularly). Some people have expected their children to be invited but we simply cannot accommodate everyone’s children and have told them as much. If they can’t attend due to childcare we understand. I also just don’t want a bunch of random children there, some we’ve only met a handful of times.

Most of our friends are happy to ditch the kids for a day but we’re certainly not selling it like either. This is just what they have said in passing.

Just been to a wedding and children ruined the ceremony coughing and crying over the vows. Couple are going to be gutted when they see the video.

This is a crazy attitude. Glad you're not my friend. Surely if you invited everyone's children, then it would be more like a kids party not a wedding?

It's your wedding, so you can invite who you want to.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me not to invite dc you don't even know however there is something very annoying about all the favours you use up by someone having your dc for you - possibly for 36 hours or so - and then having to spend the day with quite a lot of other people's small dc.
If you are calling in favours to go for a child free wedding, or a wedding where just the dc of the B&G are invited, fair enough, but if there will be quite a lot of other dc there, then I think it will be ..... disappointing ...for the guests who have travelled some distance and gone to the hassle of getting their dc looked after.

I'd only invite children I know and wanted there (though can't be much fun for the parents who have to mind them the whole time and then leave early).
I don't quite understand the obsession with having kids at weddings - they get bored and fidgety and fed up with trying to keep their nice clothes clean and behave.
I wouldn't be offended at all if someone just invited me and not my kids.

Then if they're so keen to ditch the kids,. they would. I think not inviting your H2bs friends kids but inviting your own is a bit off tbh. It will def put some couple off coming and for what? Because you don't know their 2 yo very well??

Obviously it’s your wedding and you can do what you want but in my experience you need to either be totally child free or all children otherwise you’ll cause offence and it would feel pretty rubbish for someone to come by themselves because their partner had to stay at home with the kids to then find that kids are there.
If people would rather come without kids then they will whether you invite their children or not

YANBU.

The only thing I would say is that if any of them have babies, they may not want to come. A friend of mine was BF and asked another friend if she could bring baby to his wedding, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to attend. He said yes.

Just be prepared that they may not come if the kids are very small.

We did something similar and wrote ‘children by invitation only’ so it was explicit from the outset.
your wedding, your way

We were in a similar situation as a guest, we had a 1 yr old and wedding was 200 miles away. We had no one to watch him and the wedding invite wasn’t clear/we weren’t sure if they knew we had a son lol (I can’t quite remember).

So we messaged to ask which in its self felt a bit weird because we wanted to ask if he could come but not make them feel like we were making them invite him etc (hubby’s friend so I would have traveled down with him and just not attended the wedding).

They we’re happy to have us all there and because he was so small no extra preparations were needed (he ate some of our food/no place setting for him etc). It was such a gorgeous wedding and so lovely to spend time with old friends.

I think just be really clear on their invites if you decided not to allow their kids just to save any confusion.

We said sorry family children only but rhen added that if anyone struggled for childcare we could fit their kids in. Only one couple asled and we did fit their kids in....

Tbh I felt sorry for people who brought kids they looked distracted and tired

Completely up to you. We only invited children of close family, ie nieces and nephews and cousins, and babes in arms and stated the reason was numbers restraints (which was true).

Had no declines and a few comments about people looking forward to a night off. To be honest kids get really bored and parents are glad to have a night out.

I've always been exhausted when we have taken our kids to a wedding, and really enjoyed myself and let my hair down when we didn't!

We are just having our children, nieces and nephews- Total is 11.
I have close friends all with children, DP has only a few with children....but all understand their kids arnt invited.
I think its a bit unfair if you invite your close friends kids but Dp isnt having some of his close friends kids come too.

But your wedding your choice

I will say though- Id imagine most parents will love the child free day and night?

Personally I would always invite family children but not friends children unless they were mine or dh’s best friends .

those children are family / close friends so different.

You run the risk that these couples will see other children and wonder why theirs weren’t invited.

I think it's fine if you understand some might not want/be able to come.

Re your best friend, you might have been joking but if she genuinely doesn't want to bring her kids, don't make her. I can't think of anything worse and would happily go child free.