Posting here for traffic. Didn't get many responses in the Mental Health group.
NC for this.
Since the birth of my daughter two years ago, I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts. This is extremely difficult for me to talk about as the thoughts make me feel ..just so wrong. I am even struggling to type this post, out of fear of being judged. The thoughts are often (trigger warning) violence / sexual violence towards children, mainly my daughter. I don't know where the thoughts come from but they make me feel sick and disturbed as well as feeling shame and guilt. Sometimes, I have to close my eyes tight and literally shake my head, like I'm shaking the thoughts away. I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that these thoughts are not things I want, that I am a good person, a good mother, I love my daughter dearly and I would never let any harm come to her.
But why do the thoughts come? How do I stop them? They haunt me and I hate that my mind is responsible for thinking up such awful thoughts. They make me sad. The shame and guilt is massive and it's starting to make me miserable.
Another, similar issue I have at the moment is that I keep recalling horrible memories. I work for an emergency service and have seen some horrific things. An example (trigger warning).. I was shown some grafic images of a kitten being abused and it was very evident that it suffered a prolonged, painful death. I saw those images about 10 years ago and, like the intrusive thoughts, they randomly pop into my head and make me feel sick. I'm wondering if this might be a form of PTSD?
Is there anyone going through similar? I would really appreciate some advice on how to make these thoughts stop, or how you manage them. I have only recently confided in one family member, but was too ashamed to go into detail about the nature of the thoughts.