Intrusive Thoughts (Trigger Warning)

Yeah, this is ocd.
Ocd is an anxiety disorder.
Your brain focuses on these themes precisely because they are abhorrent to you - if they had no power to shock you, your anxiety would not even have responded to the thoughts.

I really sympathise op, it's like being tortured by your brain all day and night. It's exhausting.

You need to make sure you get a referral from your GP. Don't be afraid of starting ssris, they help. You might find the book 'imp of the mind' helpful.

You are a good person and a good mum. You would not feel guilty or be posting on here for advice otherwise. Of course you know you would never harm your child ♥️ x And you 100% won't. Sounds very distressing. It's exactly that intrusive thoughts , could be linked to ptsd from what you saw, depression, a form of OCD. Might be a good idea to talk to someone professionally?
I had this with my first born I kept getting these horrible thoughts that I would break his toes, Of course I would never ever have done that and I never ever harmed him . I talked to my husband about it and he said he was glad I mentioned it as he was experiencing similar thoughts. After that it just seemed to go away on its own.sometimes now if I get a random thought I just say fuck off and grt on with something else. I know I'm a good person and would never hurt anyone

I have this! It is horrible and I feel so guilty for feeling this way I know it is because of the ocd and my anxiety but it’s so hard telling yourself that when you feel the shame you do for feeling it! I also know that it’s the thing you want to happen the least. I’ve spoken to my doctor and have been referred to therapy so I’m hoping that will help but I’m so scared of been judged although I know they will come across this a lot. Just know your not alone it helps me reading these knowing other people are in the same boat and there’s nothing wrong with us!

Hi OP, I wondered how you are doing now? I could have written your post (expect the working in an emergency department bit) and I’m 2.5 years in and just live most days in fear of the thoughts. I wondered if you found any help for it

@NavyCurtains how are you getting on? I have exactly these types of thoughts. CBT has made them manageable and I only occasionally have bad days. Try not to engage in reassurance seeking on the internet, because that only made me feel worse and ask more questions, it was never ending. You will get there, these thoughts show you the worst possible thing you could think of happening to your children, anxiety is there for protection and doesn’t know when it isn’t needed. Just accept the thought for what it is, a thought. An amazing book I read while awaiting CBT was overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts. You are definitely not alone, you can always message me
if you ever need to chat xx

That's very selective editing on your part @Eyesopenwideawake .

Here's the full article you quoted www.ocduk.org/ocd/pure-o/

They only don't recognise the term because there are different types of compulsions with Pure O. So no tapping, no rituals that are unconnected to the intrusive thoughts. Instead the compulsions take the form of checking or related actions- fear of dying of flu, constant hand washing but with the absence of the ritual, the "magical thinking" - I must turn on the left tap with my right hand, and the right tap with my left hand, I must pump the soap dispenser three times, I must count to 30 as I soap my hands in a certain way etc.

This is what Pure O compulsions look like (from the same article you quoted)...

Examples of physical compulsions include checking (various types of checking, from checking on Google to checking for own body reactions/sensations), seeking reassurance from loved ones or avoidance of particular objects, places or people that trigger obsessional thoughts. Watching movies of an adult nature to check if there is arousal. They’re all compulsions (mental or physical), which is why the term ‘Pure O’ is both unhelpful and imprecise.
It’s unhelpful because a person suffering with OCD might fail to recognise their own symptoms (compulsions) hindering their recovery.
Summary
In summary, what we’re saying is that ‘Pure O’ is like any other form of OCD, it will involve both obsessions and compulsions, and treatment approaches would be no different. A person doesn’t need a ‘Pure O’ specialist, ‘Pure O’ would be treated using standard traditional treatment methods, the same that are used for every other type of OCD.
So, no unrelated ritual tapping to ward off danger like you experienced with your OCD but similar to my close friend with OCD who also had awful sexual intrusive thoughts and was treated with anti anxiety medication.

It's disingenuous of you to tell OP that her symptoms are not related to OCD simply because they differ to your own ritualistic symptoms. As the article you quoted says "Pure O’ is like any other form of OCD".

Only a GP can signpost the OP to a specialist, but plenty of posters here are saying her intrusive thoughts are similar to their own, and they have been diagnosed with OCD as per the article you quoted.

Definitely sounds like OCD - I have the head shaking thing, it's the 'compulsion' part.

The gold standard for OCD treatment is Exposure Response Prevention Therapy. You can Google it.

That's so good, OP.

I'm so pleased you posted. It was a brave thing to do. Every person like you that raises the question and shares their experience is helping another person who is living through what feels like a nightmare.

💕💕💕💕

Don't worry op you won't carry them out.

Just remember the expression don't believe everything you think.
Citalopram can help.

See your GP. You need help for PND and OCD. Do not feel ashamed. Your brain is working overtime trying to protect your baby from any possible harm and the result is intrusive thoughts of all the bad things that can possibly happen - please do ask for support (drugs and therapy) and don't be embarrassed. It doesn't mean you aren't a good mum.

I suffer with intrusive thoughts also. Much more so since having a baby... he's 1 now. Mine are more like, imagining awful things like pushing the pram onto the train line. It's so disturbing that my brain comes up with these thoughts and i love him soo much and worry about him so much about coming to any harm. I do have some trust issues, I don't even trust anyone else to care for him. I am working on that and so far my mum has had him on her own and he will be starting nursery soon. I have a lot of mum friends that also have intrusive thoughts. sending you strength and you aren't alone. I hope you can find some help xx

I watched a programme a few years back re mental health and one of the young men featured in it suffered terribly with these intrusive thoughts. He was devastated and it was so sad to watch. Since watching it, I often think of him and those thoughts are heartbreaking to me. I'd never heard of intrusive thoughts before then.

So sorry to hear you’re going through this. Intrusive thoughts are so difficult. I listened to this podcast about them recently and found it helpful: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-panic-pod/id1489050218?i=1000469714377

You are absolutely not on your own with this, I had something similar with my youngest, I was convinced he was going to die a terrible death and the scenarios used to pop into my head. When he was about 2 I was diagnosed with PTSD from the birth, and had therapy and it helped enormously.

Basically, it was echoes of the fear of him dying around the birth that just carried on, my poor old brain was just glitching. Happy to report that it settled right down, and now I never even think about it, this just reminded me.

Get some help, see your GP, and find out if there are any postnatal groups locally that might be able to signpost you to support. There was one local to me that was an amazing charity, so worth doing some digging.

You're going to be ok, you are an amazing mum, that's why this is happening, you're Mum brain has just gone a bit overdrive, but it will get better with help.

Sending you love.

Mine involved tapping a set number of times after each intrusive image. Or a certain number of sets

I used to get these a lot when the kids were little.
After I while I would continue the thought to the ultimate outcome. So if I had a thought about something bad I'd complete the whole scenario instead of stopping it.
I found trying to stop it makes it worse and allowing it to happen takes out the fear and shame and you realise how ridiculous they are.
I used to think I'd throw my baby out the window. It would terrify me but then I thought well I'm not going to do that so go away.
Eventually it worked.

I had intrusive thoughts about me harming DD when she was a baby. They were fleeting and rare, but they happened and it was upsetting to find myself even thinking them becuase of course I loved her very very much and would never hurt her. Looking back, I am sure I had some kind of post natal anxiety and probably ought to have sought help (not for the instrusive thoughts alone, as they weren't often, but generally for anxiety).

Funnily enough, I don't think I have actually ever told anyone about them before now. I felt massively ashamed. So well done for talking about it, that shows strength.

It’s pretty much what @PleaseDontSayEvriIsMyCourier said. You’ve pictured something horrible and it’s made you very upset. Your brain has focused on your extreme emotion about it, and this has triggered it into thinking that this horrendous incident may actually occur. So it doesn’t let you stop thinking about it. I had horrendous intrusive thoughts that dominated my life for 3 or 4 years. I’d have 2/3 day anxiety attacks, couldn’t even sit and watch the tv at night because my brain would be racing with all these terrible thoughts about someone hurting my daughter. But I’m one of those people who flatly refuse to go to a doctors unless I think I’m dying. I ended up googling coping strategies and I read that while you shouldn’t try to stop the thoughts, you need to play them out in your head but take the emotion out of them. So the second one of the scenarios starts playing out in your head and you start getting tense/scared, immediately relax yourself, play out the scenario but without allowing yourself to feel anything about it (it isn’t that hard when you get the hang of it). You need to do this every time. It took me all of about 2 weeks of doing this, until I woke up one morning and they were gone. After all these years of suffering, they’d just stopped. Every now and then if I’m under a lot of stress they try to kick off again, but I apply the same technique as soon as I realise I’m doing it and they go away. I hope this helps you like it did me x

Just coming on to say that yes I have also suffered with intrusive throughts, and for me this was part of OCD. A lot are to do with learning to sit with and tolerate the anxiety that the thought gives you, without engaging in compulsions (could head shaking be a compulsion?) so that you will see nothing happens as a result of your thoughts.

Someone explained it by saying that everyone has unpleasant thoughts, but the OCD mind responds to these meaningless thoughts as a threat. We try and shut them out and that makes them worse as we get so anxious about them, when really they don't mean anything.

There are several types of therapy that help with OCD. When I got diagnosed I listened to 'The OCD Stories' podcast, which was very helpful.

I also take 100mg of Sertraline and have had CBT.

I strongly recommend trying to get therapy as it really helps.

Oh OP - there is a lot more understanding of your condition now, & there IS help out there.

Yes, I think you are right in that PTSD plays a part, but the main symptoms you have described sound to me like it could be Pure O. It's described in this article by Bryony Gordon, a journalist & long-time sufferer - www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/mental-health/bryony-gordon-how-i-walked-my-way-back-to-sanity-35366629.html

Here is the community group she founded, mentioned in the article - www.mentalhealthmates.co.uk/mhm-online/

She also wrote a book about her early struggles with OCD & Pure O. The intensity & distressing nature of her own O thoughts led her to years of alcohol & drug abuse in an attempt to mask her symptoms with a 'party girl' act. I haven't read it for years, but remember how honest & unflinching it is - it's also funny, & I suspect you might take comfort from it, as you'll find you are not alone with your intrusive thoughts & how debilitating they are -
www.amazon.co.uk/Mad-Girl-Bryony-Gordon-ebook/dp/B01ARZFOJO/ref=sr_1_2?qid=1673341682&refinements=p_27%3ABryony+Gordon&s=books&sr=1-2

Above all - you deserve help & support.
These thoughts say NOTHING about your personality or temperament: you have a condition, & there are ways of managing it which you can learn more about by following the links.
You are not alone.
Other people have found ways of alleviating their symptoms & reducing their distress.
Help is available, & you deserve to access it.

Hi. I think you are really brave to talk about what is happening for you and I am so pleased you’ve had supportive responses.

I really hope you are inspired to get some appropriate support. I know posters think you may have a particular issue (and they may be right!) but I’d encourage you to see someone and get a diagnosis prior to making a decision about treatment. There are people out there whose job it is to give you support without judging you and they will do that, just as has been done here.

If you are concerned about seeing your GP have a look at the docready website (www.docready.org.uk) where you can build a checklist to show the GP if words fail you at the appointment. It a a tool for discussing mental health and it might help you.

Take care of you and your little girl: both of you deserve for you to have the right support.

@2pence

I did Google it and www.ocduk.org says;

"‘Purely obsessional’ or ‘Pure O’ is a term commonly used to refer to a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder which people mistakenly believe has no outward compulsions and only features distressing internal intrusive thoughts.

But does ‘Pure O’ exist?
Well as an online term yes, but as a form of OCD, not really, it’s merely a phrase. It’s certainly not a medically listed term, and we will try and explain why we don’t consider it a separate form of OCD."

And "It’s for this reason that OCD-UK have chosen to not use the term, and proactively highlight how misleading it can be."

Pure O is OCD without the compulsions and rituals (that ward off the bad thoughts).

It's worth a Google to understand before you decide it doesn't exist.

OCD is a widely misunderstood anxiety disorder. You hear "oh I'm a bit OCD, I can't rest unless the house is clean" and while mysophobia may form part of the intrusive thoughts "if I don't clean that then my Nan will die of Covid" it's the rituals that's linked to OCD . While cleaning something dirty may make sense if you fear germs, tapping walls, touching door handles, saying incantations to stop the harm happening logically won't make a difference to whether someone is harmed or not, but the compulsion to do it is overwhelming nonetheless.

Pure O is the same intrusive thoughts without the compulsive ritual behaviour - therefore there's no immediate relief for those who have it.

Hi, I am a psychologist and cannot emphasise just how common intrusive thoughts like these are. I also work in a psychology service for emergency services/nhs/social care staff - your local health board should have a similar service if you fall within any of these remits. Please don’t be too scared to reach out and get support with this - it’s what these services are there to do. Take care x