To regret having children?

I miss being child free occasionally, I think that's normal, but i do not regret having my daughter one bit.

I knew my personal limitations so decided to stick with being one and done. I still get free time, which I regard as a bit of a parenting 'palette cleanser 😂' .

@ZoeHunterGordonFilmmaker I think you'd make a fascinating film about the life of the 3 generations of mothers in my family, it's very long to explain but I'd be happy to write it in a msg privately to you, it would tbh be quite a somber story but basically it's the effects of how impact of ww2, religion and the changing way of society has shaped motherhood for our line of mums and the way it impacted the lives and outcomes of the children in our place/class in society and their children to the present day. I have another line of complexity thrown in to my own personal life due to a displaced parent from another country, when I think back ww2 had a really negative impact on the course of my parents and grandparents lives to today, lack of decent education, parenting support and societal norms that weren't really thought through. It's nothing that's ever really been shown in film, the lives people lived in depth after ww2 and the impacts of the decisions made or forced to have been made as a result of their place in society and the limiting choices to them due to social class and wealth or lack of.

I do sometimes, it’s a taboo subject and no one, not even my own mum who abs struggled with motherhood ever talked about it. My story’s fairly long but I had no support from my mum at all, she never supported me, I often wonder if she lost herself entirely in motherhood as she always looked so worn out and struggled with depression, we were full on kids but tbh it was def easier in some ways bk then than it is for mums today. I was born mid 80s, it was the norm where I came from for many mums not to work, kids were out of the house all day from 7-8 I was never in the house. She never spoke to me about if/when I wanted kids but I never had any financial or moral support, we knew we had to save a lot to be in a position to have children and I had to sacrifice shift work I wanted to have a family as I would not have managed this with little ones around the work my partner was doing then, his jobs got more involved as yrs gone by and having has our child it was evident shift work def would’ve been a killer for us both! Due to the lack of support in all ways on both sides we didn’t manage to have our child under I was almost 35, an awful birth and a very high needs child and an abs awful sleeper for best part of 4 yrs I def felt a huge regret! It has been abs relentless, lonely and tbh at times boring and a sense of drudgery. Not helped by total lack of support on both sides of our families it should have been a wonderiful time in our lives but honestly it was so hard. My mum died just wks after she was born, we went through covid stuck inside for best part of 2 yrs on top and the stress of it all triggered a severe autoimmune disease in my partner, I have an elderly father I’m trying to sort care for now on top, an incontinent dog who almost 16, a very full one child and a sick husband! It’s been awful lkkke one thing after another, I don’t know anyone that’s gone through what I have, I’ve cried and cried and now I just feel numb and just keep trudging on as this is it. I am grateful I am still standing and although I feel utterly lost in my life as I also have no career or job that gives me any fulfilment as I have to fit around my child it’s hard accepting this is now my life. I try and find perspective that I’m so grateful im not a burden to anyone and I can still be the support to them all but god it’s rough and it’s tough doing all this and never really catching a break or being offered one except bt my lovely step dad when he can as he’s struggled with depression since my mother died (I feel sorry for him tho as she didn’t treat him great, very complicated) but he tries to have our dd when he can but he still has 8 yrs of full time work ahead and also works shifts so sometimes it’s not that easy for him to help plus he’s not local either.

I think everyone’s opinions and feelings should be considered it’s not easy for everyone, it’s harder more so now days having a view on tap in to other people’s seemingly perfect lives via social media too, which 20 yrs ago you didn’t have, I just accept now this is my life and live in hope things will get easier but as you get older it is harder to hold on to that hope as no one knows what lies ahead either.

my health means the world to me, as shattered as I am I try and exercise as much as I can and I do not consume anything I will ever regret like smoking, bad food etc, they all rely on me so much and that’s what’s keeping me going. I love my dd with all my heart and she was wanted so much younger than I felt I was able to have her, I just pray more than anything she will have a good life, better than the one I’ve had and I will support her with whatever she wants to do more than my mother was able to do for me which I feel has greatly contributed in some ways to this being my reality in some ways as even 1 supportive parent can make a world of difference in a child’s life.

sorry that was long

Hi @BouncingCactus really interesting to read that you're feeling this way. I'm Zoe, I'm a filmmaker and I'm currently looking for women who have complicated feelings about motherhood to take part in a film I'm making with f5 films exploring regret & children. I'd love to hear more about your story & feelings if you'd like to share with me. If we were to work together you'd be kept anonymous in the film. Thanks, Zoe ([email protected]) (www.zoehuntergordon.com)

Hi @Sunnytwobridges really interesting to read that you're feeling this way. I'm Zoe, I'm a filmmaker and I'm currently looking for women who have complicated feelings about motherhood to take part in a film I'm making with f5 films exploring regret & children. I'd love to hear more about your story & feelings if you'd like to share with me. If we were to work together you'd be kept anonymous in the film. Thanks, Zoe ([email protected]) (www.zoehuntergordon.com)

Indeed, neither of those things happened to me either - but not sure why it’s laughable. What an unpleasant worldview. “If it didn’t happen to me, it’s a lie” ???

Quite apart from the utterly laughable anecdata that couples without children are more likely to stay together, and having babies wrecks your body - both untrue in my experience

It didn't happen to you so it's 'utterly laughable'? What a narrow world view you have.

It's not really that strange. People like having their own choices validated by other people.
People have admitted on here that they regret having kids, they might not want to say that in real life though, especially to someone who does not have kids.
I worry that I have brought children into a terrible world. I kind of hope they don't have kids. But if no one has kids the world will just stop, and the older years of those with and without children will be misery as society slowly grinds to a halt.
So those without children should be glad that someone is having children at least, and maybe that works both ways.

I agree. I feel like they're almost trying to over compensate. It's very strange that someone should care if someone else has children or not.

Yes I regret it. Unlike a lot of people, I found the early years a joy. I had those fabled incredible sleeping babies, straight through from the day I got back from hospital, I had to dream feed. Very happy and smiley, moving onto happy, smiley toddlers.

Then it became clear that they had ADHD. School and home became problematic, although they were still happy (and wild). Then the constant attempts by school to control their twitchy behaviour (never aggressive) caused a negativity spiral that basically depressed them.

Then the anger started at home, the school refusal, the defiance at school. The suspensions, the permanent exclusion.

Home life is shit most of the time. DH and I are still together, just. Obviously we have good moments, but that's all they are, moments.

I think when it comes to regretting having kids, an awful lot depends on what your kids are like.

It also depends on what your parenting style is like, if you give them almost every minute of your day then of course it will be relentless drudgery.

Plus life and parenting has challenges never seen before. Too much pressure, too much social media, too much helicoptering, too much of everything.

Yes, of course, childfree people are all miserable bastards that hate children.

Awful answer. And pretty rude/ offensive too.

I hope you’re ok, OP.

I have two much longed for children, conceived after a long time of infertility and IVF. I love them with all my heart and wouldn’t change a thing but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t occasionally think longingly back to my child free days - the freedom, the extra money, time to myself etc. We visited my family in my hometown for Christmas and I really missed the days when I could just take myself off for a walk, go for a coffee or go to the pub with friends on a whim - I can still do all of those things now but it takes a lot more planning and help! I don’t regret having children at all, but I think it’s human nature to look back at other happy times of our life with some longing.

I rest my case.

Dd 2 was a horror as a toddler. She's now in primary school and is lovely company. The toddler stage doesn't last. Unless your child has disabilities, the sleep-deprived stage doesn't last either.

As for your DH being grumpy all the time, why is that the fault of a small child? I'd be regretting the DH, not the child.

Thing is it’s the people that are struggling that initiate posts! Giving an enormously skewed view of parenthood. No one is going to start a thread saying “my teens are lovely and my Dh is great” are they?

I miss being single more...

I’ve said upthread that I am happy for those who are happy to be parents. I just don’t understand why they can’t be happy for those of us who ate happily childfree.

This is a perfect example of a parent should not decide to have kid in the first place!

I don’t see any reasons why we need to argue over this. If the couples decide to have no kids and think “they have made the best choice” so be it. So as the couples decide to have kid(s) and think “they have the best choice” ! No need to argue and convince people to have or not have kids, and also no need to make the others feel worse off with their choices.
For the couples decided not to have kids, it’s maybe better off for the “imaginary kids” not to have these “miserable” couples as parents anyway!

It's interesting reading through all these comments and learning how people experience this differently.
I honestly love my toddler ds but if I could turn the clock back I wouldn't do it knowing what I know now. For me it's mostly all shit, boring, repetitive, exhausting having to do everything. Home life now is so stressful. My dh is always grumpy these days too, never used to be like this.
The thought of having another personally fills me with horror

Absolutely, some parents have to shout how happy they are (...not convincing anyone) as those childfree happily living their lives, minding their own business, offend them. It's crazy. They maybe protest too much?

I don't like to hear about any marriages failing especially when children are involved. I find it sad that so many children have divorced parents.

Considering the divorce rate is almost 50% and the majority of couples have children that is a hell of a lot of couples with children whose marriages fail and then, far too often, their children suffer.

I personally never said anything about women losing their figure. Lots of women have fantastic figures after having children. I said about the damage done to a woman's body and, sorry, but it is well known that childbirth does fairly often cause damage in one way or another even if it is only a weak bladder (although that is bad enough).

Of course many women don't regret having children but plenty do. Some are brave enough to admit it but many are not.

This is how I feel too. It's been far easier and more enjoyable than these sorts of posts on Mumsnet led me to believe. I liked my life before having a child (and would have been okay with a childfree life). However, I also enjoy my life since having a baby.

I also still have a good career and I don't feel as though my baby has stolen my identity.

No regrets whatsoever - admittedly I'm only at the toddler stage, though.

@Getinajollymood

I do think that there is definitely a bit of an odd agenda on MN sometimes - agenda probably isn’t quite the right word, but not sure how else to put it - for those without children to gleefully jump on these sorts of threads and tell us all how right they were and how wrong we were.

Yep this. ^ Methinks the ladies doth protest too much. And as I said, they can't STAND it when people are HAPPY with their children, HAPPY with their relationship, and have NOT lost their figure. I think it irks them. Shame.

No but regularly fantasise about putting them on pause so i could have a break without worrying about them back home !!!

Many of the childfree, do NOT like it when someone with children is very happy with their husband or wife, they have a great marriage, and they are still together after 30 or 40 years or more and still happy (like me and my DH.) In addition, they cannot POSSIBLY get their head around the fact that MANY people are very happy they had children, they love them to bits, and they would not change a thing.

TBH I think it goes the other way too. People with kids often don’t like it when someone is happily childfree. They want to be able to pity them. They cannot possibly get their head around the fact that some people can be very happy without children, even if originally they wanted them.