Speaking another language

Hi Nicky - if you want some answers, start your own thread. x

I very rarely speak to my kids in the local language and when I do they don't like it because I don't speak it perfectly. I occasionally say something to them in English and then repeat it in the local language if I want to make sure that nobody listening gets the impression that I am trying to be secretive. But, like other posters have said, if you habitually speak to your child in one language it is really, really weird to speak to them in another language. Having said that, I wouldn't have a long conversation at the dinner table that I knew another person couldn't understand. But I see no problem with quick comments or questions/answers.

Imagine you and your dc speak English but you both also know how to speak, let's say French too. However, you've never conversed in French and have only ever spoken English to each other. I'd imagine it would be very awkward and unnatural (and some might even say 'fake', especially dc) to start speaking French to your dc in the presence of others just because they don't understand English. The solution would then be to either limit what you say to your dc or to immediately translate what you've said. Or the person listening should realise that not every conversation is about them especially when nothing suggests you're speaking about them (judging from their normal relationship with you and/or body language).

Mu mum spoke to me in French exclusively when we lived in England until I got to 15 and peer pressure meant that I started to refuse to speak to her in French anymore. I thought I was rude that none of my friends understood. I quickly went from being truly bilingual to forgetting a lot of it and now I don't speak to anyone in French, not even my mum because I find it too hard. I think my French is average at best now and doing things like applying for my passport or any other paperwork is really hard for me. I really regret refusing to speak to my mum in French. As a teenager I think it's really important that they carry on speaking their language to each other all the time otherwise they will lose the habit of doing so.

Hmmm interesting one. I think a long conversation is a bit rude and it might depend on the age of the child. I'd find it rude if two adults did it certainly. There is a school dad who always speaks to his children in French but usually just short things like "Wait before crossing the road!" if we happen to be walking in together. I've never batted an eyelid but I don't know if this is because I am fluent in French (but he doesn't know that)

My sister has lived in Italy for 25 years, she often speaks Italian to her adult daughters when she's visiting us. They don't seem to realise they're doing it. It really doesn't bother me at all.

They're not trying to be rude, they just mentally default to Italian.

I don't think it's rude if it's a short conversation but if it goes on for more than a few minutes then yes, YANBU

I think it's rude.

You sound about 12.

Sorry cross post. Seeing as the daughter is a young teenager and not a young child, I think its quite rude.

How old is the daughter? As a mum of bilingual children I'm guilty of this because if I don't, they will revert to English and forget their second language / find it increasingly difficult to speak; it's a constant battle reminding them that they are 50/50 in terms of culture and language. It also depends on the length of the conversation. YANBU if they were talking for 15 minutes in a language you don't understand.

I think YABU. I only ever speak French with DS and he only ever speaks French to me, regardless of where we are or who’s around. We both also speak English fluently but it would be strange for us to speak something other than French to each other!

If there’s other people around I do tend to translate what we’re saying though.

Isn't trolling where someone writes something that's made up? What I wrote isn't made up, that's exactly what I'd do in OP's situation. And fortunately, I do not care what others think about me.

Hmmm I've got friends who bring their children up multilingual but when they speak to their children in the "second" language it's just a quick sentence or two and then we're back to speaking in the common language. They wouldn't have a whole blown conversation in another language if the other person didn't understand!

13 or 19? I imagine I’d be quite keen not to let the language slip with a child in secondary school who is probably quite strongly influenced by their peers.

This!! My DH sounds so weird speaking English to DD, even though he's a native speaker.

How old is the child?

There’s a massive difference between her doing one parent, one language with a nursery/school age child vs speaking to an adult daughter - how old is her child?

It is very unnatural to speak to your children in a language other than the one you speak with them in, so I can see how if what she was saying to her dd was not something that concerned you in any way she would switch to the natural language to speak in.

I always feel very performative when speaking to my dc in a language that isn't our main one (we have two others). Almost like I'm putting on a show for others.

I understand why you would feel this is rude. If English is the common language when you are together then I would expect that to be the language spoken. An exception to this might be if the mother is trying to ensure the other language is also being maintained - could that be the case? It can be really difficult if they are a family usually moving in English-speaking circles who are trying to ensure they don't 'lose' their other language. If the language they are speaking in your presence is their primary language it may also just be habit. Some multilingual families try to have a 'one parent one language' approach at all times, to ensure both languages are kept up to a good level.

If you’re bringing up your child to speak your mother tongue fluently in an environment where they are not much exposed to it, you need to be really consistent about speaking to them in that language. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of your friend unless she is having full-blown conversations that exclude you. How old is the child?