Control freak FIL

Totally agree frosty. I am highly neurodiverse myself and can struggle with people in my space -but the key here is the lack of any capacity to understand how anyone else feels about being constantly criticised and bossed around. This may well be Asd (which several members of my own family have) but feeling stressed by being constantly controlled and criticised is not 'ableism' (for heavens sake!!) And to brefugee, the poster bragging about how assertive they are and thus would never happen to them- you sound naturally rude and oblivious to others yourself. Anyone with any empathy or sense of propriety would feel uncomfortable about being near this man and his very difficult behaviour. I agree the op should stop seeing him but this is not an easy decision as he is her husbands father. Posters on here talk so much self satisfied rubbish sometimes.

As someone with diagnosed ASD, I do recognise myself in the description of FIL, but it's not an excuse to make your guests miserable fgs. Poor OP is also a human being with feelings and being relentlessly harangued over the festive period isn't fun for anyone.

Undiagnosed neurodivergent there without a shadow of a doubt!

It sounds like your FIL is very happy with his ASD life which runs as he would like it.

Accepting him for who he is would be by far the easiest way.

I have pulled over and stopped the car when my MIL decided to back seat drive the whole way - she doesn't do it anymore! However everything else she does I just smile and nod. She's happy and our visits are short enough for me to let it roll over me.

Tara, exactly.

I can relate to this my DF is extremely controlling and growing up in that environment was miserable, visiting now is just as bad as the behaviour is more noticeable as I'm less used to/immune to it. He is obsessed with potential burglary, house fires, mess etc some of his ideas and just nuts tbh and yet he is in fact very clever and well educated. Should anyone or anything challenge his control its met with rage, if you point out some of his beliefs aren't logical again it's met with rage. He has no empathy at all for anyone else I am beginning to wonder if he is maybe neuro diverse after reading lots of the threads on MN but I'm not sure what could be done to help him now as he's elderly and is in the final stage of dementia. I'm not sure he would even have accepted help even if we could have got a firm diagnosis. But it would have made my childhood/teenage years a lot more bearable.

i don’t think you have ever had to cope with a highly controlling individual who has intense anxiety! It’s not a quirky personality type that is the opposite of cool. It’s not a little odd! It’s being constantly
corrected, controlled and berated! Surely you aren’t saying you enjoy being controlled and lectured?

It's hard to be on someone's space when they are watching your every move and you can't help yourselves to drinks etc and constantly told off.

That's not someone being fun and quirky! That's someone invading your right to move around freely.

This is very different territory.

I think with some people we just need to learn coping mechanisms. He isn't a bad man, he is just different to what you are used to. I prefer quirky people, dh's family are all the bouncy, popular, cool types, whereas my lovely family are all a little odd and much nicer with it.

I now strongly suspect my fil has undiagnosed Nd and yes...he has made poor.dh life a misery and then mine also. Dealing with any one's extreme Quirk's is hard work when they present themselves as totally rationale and normal.

My dad was always a bit controlling but it had become more intense with age. Anxiety is also a big thing - and he speaks to my sister and I like we are silly children.

it’s difficult to be around - if we call it out he huffs or laughs incredulously like we are being unbelievably ridiculous.

i really do sympathise- it’s hard especially when you spend a lot of time with him.

i am trying to accept that he will never change and I just need to learn to live with it - and vent with my sister!

@Brefugee

Because people are the way they are and don't flick a switch to suddenly change?

But they can learn to become more assertive or less bolshy and rude.

I've certainly with the help of mn becomes slightly more assertive and less guilty when it comes to pils.
And mn has helped me understand them also and what they do what they do .

It's usually a process that the more insightful and helpful posters can actually help with.

@wordywitch .I totally get this and I've also had this to the point where I tried earnestly to "help" when I first met DH only to be told everything I did was wrong.

It wasn't told in a nice way either but in an extremely serious way.

Unfortunately the behaviour is so extreme that's it's come between us all just like any extreme behaviour does!

That's the point I think where it needs to be addressed if the person wants to maintain relationships.

None of us feel comfortable in pils house and they make us uncomfortable in ours.
There is no humour or jollyness either to ease it.

Let DH go or invite mil to you.

It's hilarious in a way? The direction of the driving! I'd probably be cracking up at that 🤣🤣.

You clearly love being a martyr, so crack on.

If he has ASD though it can't be 'treated' or managed really. There is not much support for people that are diagnosed and he would have to want to change. So practically, I think you should just concentrate on what you can change. Like you say, stay somewhere else. Make sure your husband or kids are in the car with you so there is no space for him. Keep your drinks in the car or outside the back door so they don't need to go in the fridge

I think you did all you could do, and that is, leaving prematurely. That’s what I do. It causes raised eyebrows, but not direct confrontation, or a nuclear fallout. Which is just the way I like it. The way I see it is, they’re not my family. I can’t tell my MIL to stfu any more than I could the Pope. I’m just not prepared to deal with the fallout. My choice.

Well, now you know what he's like, just don't ever go for that period of time again.

Being "helped" out of the driveway would make me scream. You need to clearly ask him not to do this if he is struggling to pick up the social queues.

I'm not a bolshy soul (well, sometimes) but i wouldn't put up with someone annoying me in the car for 5 minutes if i could avoid it by saying "nope" and driving off.

I wouldn't have reached over and punched him in the nose then squealed off with smoke coming off my tyres.

This is part of the problem with MN. It is so bloody binary. either we're all bolshy fuckers or people pleasers. There is just no middle way.

So again: I would have repelled his attempt to come with me, or i'd have just ignored him. I can do both without appearing to be incredibly rude.

And then in his house? just put up with it. Or not go there. It's not difficult.

I would certainly not have forced him out of the car, but then I would have ignored his directions anyway.

He’s not likely to change now even if he had treatment so you either need to put up with it with good humour or avoid him completely.

Has he told you his life is a “misery” ?

At that point it was easier to just go with it then try to force him out of the car

if you don't have the backbone to tell him to get out, then it's on you. You just have to either close your ears to it or tell him (politely) to STFU.

I don't generally particularly feel the need to please people who annoy me though, so i am aware that i find this easier than many others do. So in your case, OP, it's all about your strategy to handle it. He gets in the car? concentrate on driving and ignore him. etc etc

this!