Control freak FIL

You will never change him, so keep visits to a minimum.

The thing about the cold drinks....How did he ever cope with a child?

As your kids are now teenagers, you are getting to the point where they start to have lives independent of you. Which is very handy for reasons not to visit overnight or at Christmas etc. The younger one is spending Boxing day with boyfriend/girlfriend's family or older one is volunteering for part of Xmas day at a food bank or whatever.

Your FIL sounds a nightmare, but that is how he is, and not too dissimilar to some elderly male relatives in our extended family.

I think you just have to grin and bear it and try to avoid overnight stays if at all possible.

Just to give a glimmer of hope, I have a family member who is exactly like this and is very likely neurodivergent.

It peaked when he was in his mid seventies but, incredibly, age has actually mellowed him. I was astonished to hear him say that it didn’t matter how I put things away after washing-up. The pandemic reawakened a desire to control everything around him, but (now in his eighties) he is still much better than he was.

I had a member of my family like this and they were absolutely unbearable and you had my full sympathy
the saddest part ? MIL.
I bet she absolutely CRINGES at his behaviour and is mortified he makes hurts unwelcome

its doing no one favours if he doesn’t get help

that control is not normal and sounds like OCD type behaviour, which is awful both for the sufferer and for those around.

I too would have sat utterly bemused and drove to the shop FIL in toe.

As the parent of a teen with asd, I suspect that the FiL's need for control is rooted in anxiety and that he'd love not to feel like that but that it's unlikely to change. But "content" ? No one should be "content" to micro manage other people, even if they find themselves unable to do otherwise. And its not ableism to point out that its not very comfortable to be on the receiving end of such behaviour.

Could he be autistic or neurodiverse? It sounds a lot like my youngest dd who has symptoms of asd.

My Dad is similar in lots of ways. He is undoubtedly a narcissist and very emotionally volatile. He had a traumatic childhood event (dad dying suddenly at 15) but he is an arsehole to his family when the tiniest bit challenged.

I won’t go down the list of things he does, but he’s very similar, especially the driving.

Unfortunately age accentuates this rather than mellows them out. My husband finds him very hard to be around. The only thing you can do is change how you react and whether that’s sucking it up and ignoring it, or refusing to stay, you’ll have to decide.

Limit your exposure. Now is the perfect time. Establish a new Christmas routine where you stay at home with DP & DC, & visit ILs for a short, manageable time. A lot of families do this to establish their own Christmas rituals.
Your MIL is complicit in his behaviour, so he won’t change, the only thing you can do is reduce your exposure, while still being respectful, and honouring the relationship with a short visit.
You may get blowback, as they may complain you aren’t staying long enough, but stick to your guns.
I know a number of families who were subservient to a paterfamilias and family rituals; when they inevitably passed, these families would have nothing created of their own to fall back on. This is an opportunity. Good luck!

Did you not read any of what I wrote?!

What does he say when you tell him you don't need help parking your car?

Why did you let him come in your car to the shops?

Stop going round if you don't like his behaviour

Everything you don't like is being enabled by you. You need to either call him out on it or stop going round

I agree with PP OP that there very likely is no 'cure' for his issues diagnosed or not. He probably just struggles with visitors and a break to his routine, so by all means make it easier for him by not visiting for long stretches but don't kid yourself that you're trying to help by bringing this up. He could probably mask a little better but that would still make everyone uncomfortable knowing he was incredibly stressed and hiding it. Better all round to just accept his quirk and keep visits at a level that don't drive you all insane.

My FIL is like this. That's why I no longer spend time in his company. Hell will freeze over before I allow him to control and remark on every single little thing I do. He even tried to pull that shit in my home. I'm not having it.

@@SchnauzerEyebrows

I'm not at all saying, declaring it does.

I'm interested in why someone has said autism but someone else said narcissism.

Honestly it's very unlikely he'll change now in fact it will probably get worse with age.
Having said that I wouldn't skirt around it anymore. If you're asked at next Xmas, I'd decline saying that it was clear last year that fil couldn't cope and that ht wouldn't be fair on either family to repeat it.

Autism & Narcissism do NOT display the same behaviours! That's insulting, I have a child with ASD who is the least self centred person on the planet!

www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

He sounds exactly like my 79 year old father, who is almost certainly on the ASD spectrum, and whose reluctance to deviate from routine has got far more pronounced with age. I sympathise. It can be very difficult to be around, especially the lengthy monologues about the detail of something only of interest to him, recounted with absolutely no sense of his hearers, eg. 20-minute retelling of his recent dental work told to two total strangers in a car park.

I imagine he's had a lifetime of being comfortable like he is, he won't change now. Sure you can ask him if he would like to be happier by becoming more relaxed about things, but it's probably a hornet's nest for him, he'd never be brave enough to unpack his own behaviours & why he behaves as he does.

If he's anything like the anxious people I know he truly believes he's doing best & he would be a negligent unsafe bad person if he didn't try so hard to make everything "right" the way it's supposed to be.

I get that you would want the best for him and you do really know that you can't change this fir him or make him do anything, he would have to want to change this. Given he's lived with this all of his life its unlikely. My DBIL is like this and has got more extreme the older he has got and since he has retired.

@SchnauzerEyebrows and why narcissistic and not autistic?

@SchnauzerEyebrows

What are examples of other self focused behaviour? I don't understand the term?

My MIL sounds a bit like this. Not the driving but the home stuff. She was mentally abused by her mum as girl although she will deny it ever affected her. However she now has to be complete control, hates surprises and disorder and her house is so tidy and clean. I get told off for doing things wrong! My DH is very good at managing her though. Anyway does your FIL have anything in his past to make him want to control everything?

i think he might be autistic

I think he sounds a little like a narcissist and I am not one of those people who bandy that term around.

One of the main traits of narcissism is the intrinsic, almost subconscious belief (one which they never question themselves about) that nobody knows how to do anything as well as they do (hence the telling you how to drive etc). It is a genuine, whole hearted belief which they are utterly convinced of, that they are either the only ones who know how to do something or that they are the one to know it best above anyone else.

If he has any other self-focused behaviours, then it may be something to consider.