Sons girlfriends comments

She’d be a pretty stupid woman to
alienate her children from their grandma just because she expresses the desire for her own children yo feel welcome in her own home.

OP, I agree with you.
Why not say simply ´my children are always welcome back whenever’, when she says that?

An unmarried couple saving for a home together while living with one half’s family sounds messy tbh

The point that many are missing is (regardless of what she prefers or what might be overwhelming her) these comments are rude.
Yes OP they are rude.
I would quietly ask her to stop saying it. That you live your family coming to you for Christmas and won't have any snarky comments made. Tell her.

You sound TOUCHY!

I'd let her know she's welcome to go visit family until it's a bit quieter if that would suit her better.......

You sound like you begrudge her being there. Why did you agree to her moving in if you didn't really want her there?

If she lives with you surely it's her home too? If she's not been there when everyone has maybe she's just finding it overwhelming.

Oh OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be upset by this. I totally get the situation you are in; your kids are home, your house is buzzing with YOUR family and someone - currently unrelated with no real attachment to or place in your home - is wishing them gone as if she has a right to dictate what your home is like. I would struggle with this and begin to resent her.

please ignore all those posters who are trying to suggest you have the problem here. You don’t!

the problem is that if you don’t find a way to get her to keep these thoughts to herself, I think this risks souring your relationship with her and possibly your son too which you don’t want.

I’d perhaps find a quiet opportunity the next time she says it to say something like ‘I’m loving the hustle and bustle of all my family under one roof but can understand if it feels too much for you. I won’t be offended if you need to stay away for a few nights to get some peace!’

good luck OP. Try not to let the feelings fester xx

This. Play the long game OP, you could easily end up her MIL.

Sounds quite entitled to me. I wouldn’t have the gall to make any complaints if someone was putting me up rent free. But then I can’t imagine ever being that lucky!
She should really have given you all a bit of space tbh

You're just making a mountain out of a mole hill tbh. My answer would be well if you think it’ll be too much for you with everyone here you can stay elsewhere…..wouldn’t want you to feel as though you have to be here but I love family time especially at Christmas.

Yes, a lot does depend on how it was said and if this is a one off comment or a pattern of behaviour where OP feels the gf and DS are taking over the house.

I would say yes, we are a noisy loving family, my kids are always welcome, just like you are. If it’s overwhelming go and watch a bit of tv/ have a bath/ visit your parents.
If after that, she says it again, I’d probably say something a bit more spiky.

I can't believe this is even a question. It's perfectly normal for an adult to feel overwhelmed with a busy house over the holidays, it's a lot. It doesn't matter if it's "her" house, it IS her space too and she has every right to feel how she feels. That doesn't mean she's complaining or asking to it to be any different, she's just voicing that it's a lot for her.

If they're only allowed to live with you if they abide by certain behavioural conditions then you're not doing them a favour, they're putting up with it because they have no other choice in the current financial climate.

Iv been telling my whole family all Christmas about how I can't wait for when they leave its nothing personal it's just a lot and I like my own space

I would be furious! Time to point out "My home, my children are welcome any time." Tell her 'if she doesn't like it she can move out,' jokingly. Ser how she likes it!

What intrigues me is that the Op is in one sense close enough to her adult DC to allow his girlfriend to move in and for them both to live rent free there but not close enough with him to actually… have a conversation with him about this.

Well yes she’s “allowed” to say pretty much whatever the heck she likes. This isn’t Nazi Germany

but

most decent polite considerate adults don’t have the stance “whatever I’m “allowed” to do I will do”

She’s allowed to fart at the dining table, to leave skid marks on the toilet, to use the word “cun#” whenever she sees fit, to leave litter around the house etc etc … but pretty sure she doesn’t

Send her home to her own parents

A pp mentioned wisely that if you raise it all they will remember is the argument that stemmed from it and not all the support you have given. My dsis and her dh live with my parents rent free while saving for a deposit. He finds the noise when all us siblings come home too much and often retreats his bedroom. It does create an atmosphere if I'm honest which is why I rarely go to stay longer than a weekend. My mum would like my brother and youngest sister to move back home but neither will as long as other sister and her dh are there. My dad is adamant that is is all of ours family home and them living there full time doesn't make his house any more theirs and we shouldn't let that stop us from visiting.

Yanbu and I can see why you would be annoyed. It probably feels as though she doesn't want your other kids there when in your mind they have more of a right to be there than she does. In your shoes I would probably speak to them both and say that they will need to move out eventually and you are happy to support them for 6 months or another year or so then expect them to move on. Frame it in a way that you realise they need their own privacy and it can't be easy living as a young couple with only one room to all their own so whilst you will miss them support their need to move on.

I responded assuming they are adults but referenced to teens since on mn there seems to be a thing going on where teenagers have their gf/bf randomly move in and spending all the nights together. And parents asking here wtf can they do.

Were you asked if she could move in?

OP didn’t say the son+girlfriend are teens. They could be in their thirties, however OP never bothered replying to anyone’s questions.

Having done it, I would advise anyone else against it, because what you all say is true - people focus on the negative and tend to forget all the good stuff.
At the time I didn't know what else to do - gf had no where to go, had come from quite a nasty family, wasn't mentally up to living alone or in a hostel. She's needed someone to help support her with education, getting medical support. But in doing that, I kind of feel like I've lost my son - barely a text at Christmas. That's not all on her, obviously and I recognise that she has things going on mentally that have far reaching effects, but if I was to be completely honest, acting more selfishly might have worked out better for me.
But what can you do? When you have a young adult in front of you who needs help, you can't just give them up to a crappy care system.

Yes! I've been wondering if I'm totally out of date at the ripe old age of 30. I understand that things have changed since I was younger but teenagers did not have gf/bf moving in without a word. Adult children did move in with parents after university but that was a temporary solution and you did not move in to love with "in laws". If you want to live with your partner, you rent. You want to do whatever you want at your home? You move to your own place. Not in any dramaic way. There is a point when you are an adult with a full time job that your childhood home turn from your home into your parents home that you live in