No help from grandparents

after reading all these messages , it is not GP responsibility to have grandkids , I had 6 kids no help as such , but certainly did not ask , sae my parents and in laws but only occasionally babySat and date nights I'm afraid are out , I used to pay a sitter , I have grandkids very hands on the younger ones I have overnight at my home , if you have kids they are your responsibility also once you are retired most people are looking forward to me time , I for one am looking forward to doing all the things with my husband we have put on hold travelling etc and enjoying dates yes dates ,having said that I would help

Ok so in 2 years they haven’t helped. Be pissed at them and solve your problem. They aren’t going to change.

Get a sitter in, while you are home to watch the kids while you get caught up on whatever… now when you are comfortable with that sitter then use them so you and DH can start getting out.

@Ginseng1 you sound like a nice friendly people person who's naturally good at being a host & socialising?
I just have the wrong personality for that...I cant help it😬

I wish I had that much self control, I just threw my toys outta the pram & never spoke again one day, over 30 years now😶

Yanbu what is wrong with people. They say they wanna be involved but they don't really. Yet in 10/20 years time when they need help they prob call you. Frustrating. My ils are amazing - live in a different country but have flown in to babysit for a w/e! But we treat them. Eg DH is bringing his dad on a walking w/e. My mum is local does what she can helps with lifts or when kids sick etc (never use them as 'regular' minders like) My mum a widow & I do all her life admin, book tickets, memberships call to see her for the chats bring her out or over to ours for dinner etc it's a two way street you get what you put in to life.

@Soothsayer1 this exactly the approach l go with. Plus super calm as she often gets super worked up.

imo you have to politely but firmly shut her down, she may not even realise, I mean it may not be conscious & deliberate, more a 'default' thing....she's just unable to let go of the feeling from when you were a child that she is THE BOSS

Sounds familiar! My mum still thinks she can tell
me what to do and she’s in charge. Despite the fact l am in my 40’s, have a couple of degrees, a responsible job, my own house etc. Sparks then fly, when lm other wise engaged or just don’t want to do something she’s asked me to do

You are not being unreasonable. I think it's normal for grandparents to want to help out and babysit. However, I haven't had the help either and I spent months being very upset and resentful about it. I've determined not to be now because it is ultimately me who is the one getting upset, so why upset myself when they are unlikely to change. You should tell them how you feel though (I did and it didn't change anything in the long term)

That's because in her mind she is always the boss and you have to obey her, (obviously you are free to act in accordance with your mindset and not hers)

I agree relationships are a two-way street, I do you a favour you do me a favour etc,
however, others appear to regard it as a hierarchy where they are always at the top and those below are obligated to obey

Well we never got help now Im expected to drop everything for my mam. Its not nice. Not everyone can afford babysitters either. Mine much older now so Im free but yes it did hurt at the time.

Sounds familiar OP. When I was pregnant with DS my parents made all sorts of noises about babysitting and childcare and it never materialised.
In laws decided to move a 4 hour drive away so they "didn't have to spend their retirement looking after grandchildren."
I understand and respect that they have done their time raising children but both had masses of help from grandparents- I remember my parents going on cruises and leaving us with grandparents who also looked after us 1 day per week and whenever we were sick.
MIL and FIL went on a 1 week holiday just the two of them every year and always harp on about how important it is to have time as a couple but never offer to help.
Main difference I would say is age - my grandparents were younger than my parents are so had more energy and the fact that both my brother and DH's sister had babies very soon after we had DS so suddenly there were more grandchildren in the frame whereas my brother and I were the only grandchildren for 10 years until my cousins were born.

Not sure what that face means. But it is shit if a grandparent can't be bothered at all. Relationships are a 2 way street. I don't understand why some people think they can just drop in and out when it suits - I've raised you to adulthood now you're on your own until I'm old and need you. No. It's lazy and it's selfish.

we were shipped off to our grandparents for the whole summer holidays 100 miles away
Same here, and I know that my mother did that because she dislikes children and for the same reason she wanted nothing to do with her own grandchildren
She is a dog person🐾 presumably her flock of dogs are now getting busy organising to take her to the doctor's get her shopping for her take her to the toilet etc 🐶

It's a bit shit to choose not to make an effort though.

That’s what your grandparents wanted to do. It’s about having that choice. There is no right or wrong in choosing either way.

That's quite unkind. Next time they ask for help say you can't.

I totally empathise. I was promised all this help, etc. Which obviously never materialised. It's even worse with the second as people who were there for me for the first just haven't been second time round.

My mum was complaining about her colleagues who look after their grandchildren on their day off and I said that's how some people survive then reminded her that we were shipped off to our grandparents for the whole summer holidays 100 miles away 😂 and asked her what they would have done if they couldn't do that.

My in laws are quite good at coming to ours when babies are in bed so we can go out for a meal,could you ask that? Our kidsdont sleep either but they do that evening stretch Admittedly we don't do it often but it's nice to know it's an option. My in laws are much better than my own family although it is still much less than my friends seem to have.

Tbh if my mum looked up from her phone when me and the kids came in that would be nice!

I was partly raised by my grandparents.
If that's ok with you jazz
I would help a stranger more than some people would help their own family,
So weird and not what's common in other countries.
It explains the nursing home culture though.

You help your mum because she raised YOU. That’s how families work.

May be they’ll help with school runs? Or May be they won’t. Asking to look after a baby is not entirely reasonable.
if OPs full time job is “being a mum”, what’s the moan about?

There is no 'like everyone else'
I help my Mum as she's in her eighties; she helped my kids.
There is no 'entitled'; it's just how a family works.
I want to see my grandchildren.
Shocking I know.

Pay a childminder /baby sitter. Like everyone else?

Some people are used to getting everything for free from others. They are just entitled to it you know!