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Original poster

Husband has emails from Match.com

213 replies

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:14

Hi all, have name changed for this one as quite frankly it’s embarrassing! For the sake of this thread I will refer to husband as “DH” although he’s far from that.

Was getting the DC ready for school yesterday when DD handed me DH’s phone. I was reaching to put it on the bedside table and happened to glance down at the screen and see that he had an email from Match.com. Just for context I’ve never looked through his phone or felt the need to. Immediately my heart began to race for reasons that are obvious!

I waited until he had come back from dropping the kids off and confronted him about it. He acted confused and said “I don’t know why would I be on match.com? It’s a spam email.” I told him to pass me his phone so I could see if it was just spam as I feel I was entitled to look to see if what he was saying was true. I typed in “Match.com” in the search bar of his emails so I could scroll through.

There were lots of emails, most of them unopened but they all mentioned him by NAME! For example, Hi , you have two profile views. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I clicked on the link and it did in fact take me to the match.com login page. I told him to login and he claimed there’s nothing for him to login to. I continued to scroll through the emails in an attempt to find a potential email that would show if he had signed up but couldn’t find anything.

May I add whilst I was doing this he was berating me calling me “insecure” and “crazy” although I hadn’t gone fishing for anything nor suspected him of such a thing up until I happened to see the email. I feel I had the right to look as his wife because if I had emails from a dating website I am pretty sure he would have something to say. I felt like I was being gaslighted. As I had somewhere to be I left it at that and as for now he thinks I believe his version of events but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that there is so much more to uncover.

Wise users of Mumsnet please give me some advice! Am I crazy?

OP posts:
stickydoughnuts · 09/12/2022 21:06

The airplane thing is very very weird. At this point I would be demanding his phone and locking myself in the bathroom to do the password reset and know for sure what’s going on, but I’m crazy and wouldn’t be able to live to sleep if I was in your current shoes without knowing

Outtasteamandluck · 09/12/2022 21:05

What a wanker.

dieselKiller · 09/12/2022 21:05

Why not ask him to forward you one of the emails?

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:59

I know Mumsnet has quite a strong opinion on people who go looking through peoples phones but at this point I feel it necessary because if something is going on I would rather know than drive myself insane just wondering.

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:58

SheldonsShoulder · 09/12/2022 20:45

do you think he’s gaslighted you before? Have you worried he was cheating before? Has he ever reacted like that before in response to something different and you later found out you were right?

Now that this has happened it reminds me of something I noticed a few months back. I had noticed that when he was spending time with me in the evening when the kids were asleep, his phone was put on aeroplane mode. That’s not something he’s ever done before. I was really naive then because I didn’t really suspect anything and it was just an observation I had made. It could be nothing but it could also be something…

OP posts:
OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 09/12/2022 20:56

I have had spam emails from match.com and I have never had an account with them. I assume they were scams though and just deleted them.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:55

His email address uses the formal spelling of his name and the name the match.com email used was a less formal spelling which leads me to believe that was the name given when the profile was created. Doesn’t seem like spam at all. I think it’s past the point of trying to prove if he had signed up or not.

OP posts:
Fairy22 · 09/12/2022 20:47

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:34

I don’t actually know how match.com works, I’ve never done OLD. His name is also quite generic so I probably wouldn’t be able to find his profile anyway.

Search by age and area

peachgreen · 09/12/2022 20:47

If his email address includes his name, it’s perfectly possible that this is spam, even though it used his name directly. My late DH’s email address was (for example) biker1972 and he used to get spam emails for dating sites addressed “Dear Biker” all the time.

SheldonsShoulder · 09/12/2022 20:45

do you think he’s gaslighted you before? Have you worried he was cheating before? Has he ever reacted like that before in response to something different and you later found out you were right?

PepsiMaxAholic · 09/12/2022 20:43

I personally wouldn't jump to conclusions. A friends or work colleague could have signed him up as a prank, someone could have accidentally typed the wrong email. The fact that they are unopened shows he is not interested in the content of them.

I don't believe there's enough to go on here.

BellePeppa · 09/12/2022 20:39

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:29

@Choconut yes I agree totally! His response was full of so much anger that it actually made me doubt him even more.

“Me thinks he doth protest too much” is a saying for a reason (thank you Shakespeare). I’m always very suspicious when someone becomes aggressively defensive about something.

name78change · 09/12/2022 20:37

Doesn't Match cost money? Wouldn't most men looking for a sleazy affair go to a free site?

AllyArty · 09/12/2022 20:37

I think its safe to say that he created an account, the big question is when? If he created it before you were a couple then there is not much you can say. It could be that he created the account before you were an item and still got emails periodically and just opened one out of curiosity and that reactivated his account. But i'm sorry to say that judging by his reaction I don't think he is being truthful. If you can get his phone, check his what's app and take photos of any phone numbers and google them. Its an awful thing to suggest on some levels I know but the not knowing will destroy you. Trust your gut instinct.

Blowthemandown · 09/12/2022 20:36

tenbob · 09/12/2022 19:17

can you not do a password reset using the email address and see if it comes through?

@CluelesslyCurious this!
but remember there is a small chance someone else could have made him a profile as a joke without him knowing!

Littleheart5 · 09/12/2022 20:34

Just to say- this happened to me!! I thought someone has signed me up and was really upset about it- but it was absolutely spam- I tried to reset the password and nothing ever came through! My name was spelt slightly off big enough that it was passable, I have them put in junk email and still get about 20 emails a week

Soakitup37 · 09/12/2022 20:32

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:16

@Soakitup37 thank you for your response. DH is stingy and I do agree with you in thinking it was a case of maybe signing up not realising there are costs involved and then gave up. But it’s the fact that the intentions were there and his whole demeanour when I asked him about the email was very aggressive and off.

Oh absolutely, he’s not out of jail free by any stretch but it could have been something he signed up for YEARS ago, which may place the reality of the situation somewhere different. I guess the only way to really find out is to view his profile. Ask him that and you’ll see when he was last online etc. (if you can find him without him knowing- the profile pic itself - if he even has one, will “date” when he was last using the site. If it were me I’d prob try and sign up and search for men in his age bracket and close proximity to you and it shouldn’t take long for him to pop up if he’s there. I’ll do it for you if you wanted.

C1N1C · 09/12/2022 20:22

Usually the emails have a username, so you could sign up with a quickie account and find it... or narrow down search criteria to something that would find him, e.g. location to a few miles, age range plus or minus a few years, etc etc

The password reset would work if you still have access to his email, but he's probably deleted it by now.

Not looking good, BUT there is a chance it's just an ego thing, looking for attention to see whether he's still got it.

Judge by cumulative actions. Secretive with phone, late nights, changed personality, etc etc

good96 · 09/12/2022 20:21

I’m afraid to say that he would have signed up to the site in order to get those emails.

OhmygodDont · 09/12/2022 20:20

I duno. I get emails from porn sites and dating sites saying “hey, ohmygoddont so and so is checking out your profile” or whatever. However ohmygoddont is my email address name not my actual name. So if his email is his name it could be spam/phishing. Have you checked the email is actually match and not some random. Like I get my Apple account being blocked from say a [email protected] but the name shows up as Apple support untill you click the email itself.

Suzi888 · 09/12/2022 20:19

Open your own account and have a look, you’ll find him.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:18

@dieselKiller no it wasn’t in his spam folder but his primary messages.

OP posts:
Tigger7654 · 09/12/2022 20:17

You said most of them unopened, if it was spam they'd ALL be unopened xx

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:16

@Soakitup37 thank you for your response. DH is stingy and I do agree with you in thinking it was a case of maybe signing up not realising there are costs involved and then gave up. But it’s the fact that the intentions were there and his whole demeanour when I asked him about the email was very aggressive and off.

OP posts:
Lovageandrose · 09/12/2022 20:16

He’s clearly using the account. It’s up to you if you want to stay with him, or drive yourself crazy looking though his accounts, or move on with some dignity left.