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Original poster

Husband has emails from Match.com

213 replies

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:14

Hi all, have name changed for this one as quite frankly it’s embarrassing! For the sake of this thread I will refer to husband as “DH” although he’s far from that.

Was getting the DC ready for school yesterday when DD handed me DH’s phone. I was reaching to put it on the bedside table and happened to glance down at the screen and see that he had an email from Match.com. Just for context I’ve never looked through his phone or felt the need to. Immediately my heart began to race for reasons that are obvious!

I waited until he had come back from dropping the kids off and confronted him about it. He acted confused and said “I don’t know why would I be on match.com? It’s a spam email.” I told him to pass me his phone so I could see if it was just spam as I feel I was entitled to look to see if what he was saying was true. I typed in “Match.com” in the search bar of his emails so I could scroll through.

There were lots of emails, most of them unopened but they all mentioned him by NAME! For example, Hi , you have two profile views. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I clicked on the link and it did in fact take me to the match.com login page. I told him to login and he claimed there’s nothing for him to login to. I continued to scroll through the emails in an attempt to find a potential email that would show if he had signed up but couldn’t find anything.

May I add whilst I was doing this he was berating me calling me “insecure” and “crazy” although I hadn’t gone fishing for anything nor suspected him of such a thing up until I happened to see the email. I feel I had the right to look as his wife because if I had emails from a dating website I am pretty sure he would have something to say. I felt like I was being gaslighted. As I had somewhere to be I left it at that and as for now he thinks I believe his version of events but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that there is so much more to uncover.

Wise users of Mumsnet please give me some advice! Am I crazy?

OP posts:
MadelineUsher · 09/12/2022 23:21

Yeah, well. In my experience, after the fact, it is clear that everyone who ever did me dirty got angry when confronted or questioned, however my manner was at the time.

Onnabugeisha · 09/12/2022 23:18

MadelineUsher · 09/12/2022 23:07

It's dodgy because (1) it's a new thing, and (2) plus emails from match.com about his matches, and (3) because he got angry rather than mystified when OP approached him about the emails from match. It's a combo-deal.

Show quote history

#3 isn’t accurate, he was initially confused. It was only when the OP decided this was an “act” and demanded his phone so she could “see if it was true” that he got angry. I would have gotten angry too.

MadelineUsher · 09/12/2022 23:07

Gh12345 · 09/12/2022 22:48

I’m honestly a little shocked at some of the responses here. Seriously he must be cheating because he put his phone on airplane mode? I do that often and someone who is cheating isn’t going to give you their phone with the ‘unopened’ emails there.

It's dodgy because (1) it's a new thing, and (2) plus emails from match.com about his matches, and (3) because he got angry rather than mystified when OP approached him about the emails from match. It's a combo-deal.

goldfishthecracker · 09/12/2022 23:06

Sign up for tinder in a fake name and put your location as home, near his work, near his parents house and also try somewhere that you both used to date. Use a different throwaway email address.

If he's on there you'll find him.

Afreshstar · 09/12/2022 23:02

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:27

The thing is, the fact it was “match.com” threw me off the most. I could have understood if it was as you said, tinder or bumble as that seems more relevant to the times.

Show quote history

I’m in my 30s and recently joined OLD and the main one I use is match.com as I wasn’t keen on tinder although I do have bumble downloaded. So it very much is still a thing! I doubt he would have joined before you met if you were teens when you got together so it seems very clear that these are notification emails since he has an account. What other explanation is there or am I missing something?

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 09/12/2022 22:54

It COULD just be spam. I suddenly started getting match.com spam on my actual wedding day and then an email every Saturday afterwards, like clockwork it was until I managed to stop it!

Onnabugeisha · 09/12/2022 22:53

The aeroplane mode thing is also dodgy because he claimed he did that so no one would disturb him but surely you can just put your phone on silent?

I use aeroplane mode all the time to not be disturbed. Silent mode still vibrates and lights up with notification banners. Airplane mode gives me a break from all of that. How is it “dodgy”?

MyTabbyCats · 09/12/2022 22:53

i don’t know about the results but one thing I can say for sure is the uneasy feeling you have was exactly what I had a few months before my ex said he was leaving. At the time it seemed to come out of the blue but with hindsight I remembered those strange, few occasions of just feeling that something was off. I since came to realise this was my gut instinct but I dismissed it because my ex is a good man I could never have believed would be he capable of an affair.

Justanotherlurker · 09/12/2022 22:51

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 22:30

But the email from match.com didn’t use the name from his email. Say his name on his email address is “[email protected]” and then the name match.com used is “Danny Smith”

Show quote history

It really isn't difficult to get this info, he could have signed up to any gofundme/change.org/newlsetter/forum site as Danny Smith with the same email address.

FirstName, Lastname, email is common fields that can bought for pennys on referral, it doesn't even need to be some nefarious site.

It is most likely an email being sold as data if it is hitting spam as it is that your DH is looking for an affair and his emails are hitting spam unread.

I am just speaking from technical terms here.

Gh12345 · 09/12/2022 22:48

I’m honestly a little shocked at some of the responses here. Seriously he must be cheating because he put his phone on airplane mode? I do that often and someone who is cheating isn’t going to give you their phone with the ‘unopened’ emails there.

BT11 · 09/12/2022 22:45

If you do have a look at the phone try to check the 'cache & cookies' in the advanced section of his history browsing. Also do this on a shared computer if you have one. Even if you delete your search history doing that will show how many times a site has been visited or how much data has been used looking at those websites. You have to clear the cookies etc separately - which he may or may not have done.

If nothing comes up then hopefully he hasn't been using the website 🤞. You can always look up match.com on playstore/apple store and it will usually show an icon to say if the app has previously been downloaded and deleted. Or there is a way to check what apps have been downloaded then deleted in the app store settings (depending on what phone)🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course I don't condone doing it - but if you do check those spots out. It may put your mind at ease if nothing comes up.

Aldith · 09/12/2022 22:42

I would absolutely be suspicious OP. My DH and I met on match in December 2015. Once our subscriptions ended we heard from match a few times trying to entice us back. Within 6 months of our subscriptions ended we didn’t hear from them again and after the subscription ended they never told us anyone had looked at our profiles.

As others have said I would register for match and try to find his profile as it says this profile was last looked at….. which will tell you when he was last online.

MadelineUsher · 09/12/2022 22:36

Feom his response, I think it's possible he signed up (for a free account), perhaps a few months ago, or longer, and forgot about it. But because of him putting the phone on aeroplane mode, it suggests there are other accounts he's on. The old "where there's smoke there's fire". Plus the angry response is a tell.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/12/2022 22:32

The airplane mode. I do this at night when I don’t want calls, texts etc but I know people use it to avoid getting messages that eg a wife/husband may see.

justasking111 · 09/12/2022 22:31

Could be a cloned account spamming him. They're very clever these days. A phishing scam?

I get emails from exotic women offering me all sorts of sex. I get emails for Viagra. My husband does too. They piggy back onto sites that men use. Sports especially. I got cascades of porn once when trying to buy him a fishing reel from a Scottish supplier. They were very apologetic when I phoned them. I had to get my IT guy to clean up my laptop.

Apparently porn sites are popular for piggy backing onto. Even something sent by one of his mates as a joke on social media can set off a problem

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 22:30

Blocked · 09/12/2022 22:17

Yeah it depends if his email address has his name in it. Mine does and I get emails from all sorts addressed to me. Apparently I've signed up to Spanish Instagram also.

But the email from match.com didn’t use the name from his email. Say his name on his email address is “[email protected]” and then the name match.com used is “Danny Smith”

OP posts:
Justanotherlurker · 09/12/2022 22:30

As pp have said Match.com have been spoofed for ages, it is really not difficult to match a full name to an email address and spoof an email accordingly.

Anyone doing a basic phishing course for their work place should remember this.

If there are wider issues to not trust your dh then that is something else, but be careful with approprating legitmate spam to think your DH is cheating.

Follow basic phishing protocols, as in check the email from etc etc, if you have access to his phone then search for registration emails.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/12/2022 22:29

I’d be inclined to believe him but the emails mention his profile name. And I’m sure Match don’t set that up without you joining them.

I used to belong to match, deleted my account and don’t get unsolicited emails from them.

BestSelfBlah · 09/12/2022 22:29

@CluelesslyCurious I felt the same as you.

I looked and I found and kept on finding.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 22:28

SheldonsShoulder · 09/12/2022 22:23

I walked in on my (ex) DH taking photos of himself naked in the bath. He laughed it off (he was always taking selfies and became very vain in the last few years of our relationship - I found hundreds when looking through our laptop) but a few months later I found out he’d been sending dick pics onto three young women he was working with. Trust your gut instinct.

Bloody hell!

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 22:27

Thank you all for your responses. My concern now isn’t match.com itself. I agree with the posters who pointed out that match.com is an odd place to try and pursue an affair. I also find it very hard to believe that this frugal man also used the site after realising you have to pay to chat to people. However, the intention to use a dating website whilst married is concerning in itself. All of this leads me
to believe there is a lot more to unpack here and I can’t shake the anxious feeling that if I go looking I will find something. The aeroplane mode thing is also dodgy because he claimed he did that so no one would disturb him but surely you can just put your phone on silent?

OP posts:
SheldonsShoulder · 09/12/2022 22:23

I walked in on my (ex) DH taking photos of himself naked in the bath. He laughed it off (he was always taking selfies and became very vain in the last few years of our relationship - I found hundreds when looking through our laptop) but a few months later I found out he’d been sending dick pics onto three young women he was working with. Trust your gut instinct.

Blocked · 09/12/2022 22:17

Yeah it depends if his email address has his name in it. Mine does and I get emails from all sorts addressed to me. Apparently I've signed up to Spanish Instagram also.

roarfeckingroarr · 09/12/2022 22:15

I get emails to my name from match.

I do not and have never had a match profile. I think my email address was sold and it has my name in it.

That doesn't mean he's innocent but it's possible.

Onnabugeisha · 09/12/2022 22:14

I don’t think his reaction screams guilty as I’d have the same reaction if my DH demanded my phone and was scrolling through emails while accusing me of OLD/affair type behaviour. I’d be outraged tbh. And yes, I’m innocent of any of that.

I think it all hinges on whether he has created a profile. It’s quite possible someone else has created a profile and put his email address in. I’ve heard of jackasses doing that as a prank or to get a friend ‘out there’ after a split.