Husband has emails from Match.com

I've never had spam from match.com and I imagine the only time you could get it us if you've been on the website at some time.

I can't imagine any spam that would address the person by name and say how many profile views he's had.

Unfortunately it's likely he has or will create a new email address now to hide his activities.

Do you have separate bank accounts,van you check his credit card? Dating sites usually charge.

Check the bank. I have match success- he’s asleep whilst I feed 8 week old! It was rammed with married men and inactive profiles. That was nearly 6 years ago! I thought it was basically now Facebook based

Given he opened some of the emails prior to OP noting the alert and then seeing them on his phone, he was aware he was somehow signed up to Match. And yet:

He acted confused and said “I don’t know why would I be on match.com? It’s a spam email.”

Spam certainly can have your name on. I seem to think my old email used to get lots of emails like you describe from Match.com; though it was a long while ago, so I may be mistaken. A huge amount of spam is certainly dating stuff and 'you have a message' on a site you've never been to.

For the sake of this thread I will refer to husband as “DH” although he’s far from that.

This is the real problem in your OP. If DW got emails like this I wouldn't give it a moment's thought because I trust her. Similarly I'd be upset if she demanded to go through my emails just because I got spam.

You don't sound as if you like or trust your husband, OP. Whether he's done something wrong in this case or not (and I'm sceptical given how readily he handed his phone over), you need to ask yourself why you think he's cheating.

I felt like I was being gaslighted

Not even close. At most he’s lying to you. But please don’t trivialize gaslighting like this. It’s an extreme form of mental torture, not a lying husband flirting with others online (if he’s even doing that).

Doesn’t match.com cost money to join? Check the bank and credit card statements.

Could you check his bank statements and see if he’s paid them a fee?

It might be too late, but go to the website, log in with his email and click forgot password. It will send the password to his email, so you can reset the password from his email and then log in and check the profile. He's definitely done something if he's getting emails by name, but bear in mind this may have been years ago before you had met (giving him the benefit of the doubt)

I've had emails from these places but never been signed up to them it could be entirely innocent.

I get all sorts of emails that cite my name. HOWEVER, not a single one of them has ever suggested that I have profile views, unless I do, indeed, have a profile.

I am thinking that you two have been together for some time, as there are DC who are school age. EITHER he previously had an account, and simply abandoned it rather than deleting it (and that's fairly common), or there's something fishy going on.

And yes, he is gaslighting you, whichever is true.

POF is really old school

Match sent me emails for years after I had left the site (and I’d only signed up for a free trial). Of course if you’ve been with your husband longer than the site has existed, you still have cause for concern…

There is a way it can happen @CluelesslyCurious - it happened to me - I started getting emails from Match.com (the AMERICAN site not UK) with matches for me in a Southern US state. It was a pain to sort out.

Does he have a gmail account? What happens to me, and it has happened before, is that someone can sign up for an account using an email address like [email protected] and when the emails start coming to the account they get sent to [email protected]

gmail treats joansmith@ and joan.smith@ as the same email address - it ignores the dot. Not all online systems do. I never worked out why Match.com would not check the email address before opening the account.

It was a pain to get taken off their system as when you click on any of the links in the email it took me to the UK site and UK help - who just tell you they are not the same company as the American Match - but there is no way to connect to the american site from a UK IP address. I had to log on using a VPN in order to get to the US help desk via the "contact us" field and they sorted it out for me.

So, before you LTB check the email address is EXACTLY the same as his.

From the other side of the coin here.

Yes its a scam, how do I know because I get them and so does my husband. Yes it knows your name as it's on your email profile. I have certainly never signed up wnd pretty sure he wouldn't have signed up under his business name.

My emails specifically say my name and my husbands emails says his company name. Cause is due to information being sold by other places to third parties and some is pop ups if you've ever clicked on them. If I could work out how to upload pics I could show you the ones I get and my husband.

I can promise you they are spam!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t really have any expertise to add about Match but if I was a married person looking for an extra marital affair I sure as hell wouldn’t use my main email account; I’d set up an account just for that, I wouldn’t have this account logged in and I wouldn’t use my real name.

Do you have joint bank accounts? Check monthly subscriptions (I assume that's how they charge?).

Genuinely Spam emails are usually very crude.
Lots of emojis, weird spelling, weird fonts, text layouts, email addresses that look dodgy.

I suspect he's signed up to have a look around at the very least, while I guess isn't ideal, and possibly more.
I think I heard recently that 70-80 of the men on dating apps are married/in a LTR. So it's not beyond imagination your H might be one of them.

The angry response is pretty much him admitting it if you just asked him in a neutral calm way.

I've had them use my name! Never been on it.
"Kate we have 3 matches for you to see"
Seriously freaked me the hell out. But they used my name.so there could be another side to this ok be careful.

I suspect he will become very possessive about his phone for the next while.

I got lots of spam from match.com and I'm not even sure I ever signed up. I never looked into it though and just put it all in a junkbox.

He will have deleted all and any evidence. You confronting him will have spooked him so he'll be extra careful and vigilant for a while... Check his phone again in a few months when his guard is down.

Just keep any eye out for a lack or totally drop in phone use.

What most people do when spooked on a phone is to keep the main phone and then go and grab a new one and hide it to avoid what you did (ie looking) from happening again.

You'll find in the next week or so he may well happily hand over his blanked current phone to reassure you.

Otherwise maybe it's just spam. But his reaction makes me think not!

I sometimes get spam emails from plenty of fish using my first name and I have never been in that site! It could honestly be junk but as others suggest see if it sends a new password email to his account

Ordinarily I would say he is being dishonest.

BUT a few years back I kept getting emails of a similar nature from a dating site - telling me I had new messages…when I clicked on them it had an account and profile picture!! I have never done on line dating in my life. The profile picture was in fact my Facebook profile pic so I think something happened via Facebook.

It wasn’t a site like match.com though - so probably unlikely to be the same situation. But I did want to share it as I 100% did not sign up. Yet I had a profile and messages.

Sounds like you have been together since you were very young and are each other's first and perhaps only serious partner? Sorry to say it, but I think that sounds like classic cheating territory - he feels he has some sort of entitlement to sexual variety and variation, and is feeling 'trapped', ie, by having to be faithful to you and honour your marriage vows, when the world is telling him that real men have exciting and adventurous sex lives with dozens of women.

Sorry OP, and the barefaced lying is entirely typical of many men too.

Also if he was seriously confused, bemused, and bewildered - innocent, ie - he would remain so until the mystery was solved. Speaking from experience. The worst offenders were all baffled, absolutely baffled, before the shouting and turning it on me began. Happy days.