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Original poster

Husband has emails from Match.com

213 replies

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:14

Hi all, have name changed for this one as quite frankly it’s embarrassing! For the sake of this thread I will refer to husband as “DH” although he’s far from that.

Was getting the DC ready for school yesterday when DD handed me DH’s phone. I was reaching to put it on the bedside table and happened to glance down at the screen and see that he had an email from Match.com. Just for context I’ve never looked through his phone or felt the need to. Immediately my heart began to race for reasons that are obvious!

I waited until he had come back from dropping the kids off and confronted him about it. He acted confused and said “I don’t know why would I be on match.com? It’s a spam email.” I told him to pass me his phone so I could see if it was just spam as I feel I was entitled to look to see if what he was saying was true. I typed in “Match.com” in the search bar of his emails so I could scroll through.

There were lots of emails, most of them unopened but they all mentioned him by NAME! For example, Hi , you have two profile views. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I clicked on the link and it did in fact take me to the match.com login page. I told him to login and he claimed there’s nothing for him to login to. I continued to scroll through the emails in an attempt to find a potential email that would show if he had signed up but couldn’t find anything.

May I add whilst I was doing this he was berating me calling me “insecure” and “crazy” although I hadn’t gone fishing for anything nor suspected him of such a thing up until I happened to see the email. I feel I had the right to look as his wife because if I had emails from a dating website I am pretty sure he would have something to say. I felt like I was being gaslighted. As I had somewhere to be I left it at that and as for now he thinks I believe his version of events but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that there is so much more to uncover.

Wise users of Mumsnet please give me some advice! Am I crazy?

OP posts:
ClaireandTed · 10/12/2022 12:45

But also even if there is a profile doesn't mean he signed up, just that his email address was used...I had a profile but couldn't access it, and have no idea whether it had a photo or any other details.

ClaireandTed · 10/12/2022 12:44

CluelesslyCurious · 10/12/2022 09:36

Thank you all for your responses. There are a lot of people here who seem to have been getting similar emails without joining either. So I am conflicted here.

One way to rule it out completely would be to find out if the profile is on the American site or not. I only found that out because I emailed the UK help address (I couldn't get on the site because my internet provider was blocking it for some reason), but if there is a way you can try to log into his profile on both sites, or at least the UK one, that could help.

donquixotedelamancha · 10/12/2022 11:21

There’s a bunch of people on this thread who sound like they’d fall for the Microsoft tech support scam as long as the caller used their real name.

Yeah, that was my first thought. The people suggesting you can't possibly get named emails or emails saying you've got notifications unless you sign up seem to have no clue how spam works. Even big sites do this (linkedin is terrible for harvesting your email from other people).

I've got gmail (which has an excellent spam filter), never sign up for mailing lists and unsubscribe from everything but I still get a couple of these month in my spam folder and the odd few a year get through.

Rainydays2 · 10/12/2022 10:25

I came across your thread yesterday and thought it's a bit weird that he's getting this email....BUT - what are the chances - this morning I had a completely unexpected email in my mailbox, starting with 'Hello MY NAME', from a dating service. Generic 'come attend our next event' email promotion. At first I had no idea where this is coming from, then I remembered that I went on a sort of speed dating/singles mingle event that was organised by them many years ago. I don't even remember when, but I am with my current partner for more than 4 years and I didn't attend any such events, or interacted with this website/provider, since meeting him. Obviously impossible to say for me whether or not your partner is innocent, but just wanted to chip in that sometimes such promotions can come through even if it's literally been years since the last interaction.

BT11 · 10/12/2022 10:17

dieselKiller · 10/12/2022 06:27

There’s a bunch of people on this thread who sound like they’d fall for the Microsoft tech support scam as long as the caller used their real name.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technical_support_scam

100% agree! It's a little bit scary isn't it 😅

glamourousindierockandroll · 10/12/2022 09:54

@Retz1212 i couldn't cope Grin

milkyaqua · 10/12/2022 09:51

He may have joined the free service. So no bank records. Easier to join yourself with a throwaway email account and look for him...

cooldarkroom · 10/12/2022 09:48

Unfortunately, unless he has an iPad / computer linked to his phone, it is too late to "check his phone" he will either change his phone log in, keep it glued to his thigh, or have already erased any inscriptions.
You could try logging into tinder with his dating email address & ask for email reset, just to check. But he will get the alert to that request.
You could search for his name with your location, that might find him.
But my feeling is its too late
You could go through his phone contacts, for anomalies
Look at his bank statements...
Its all pretty horrible.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 10/12/2022 09:36

Thank you all for your responses. There are a lot of people here who seem to have been getting similar emails without joining either. So I am conflicted here.

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 10/12/2022 09:34

Excuse the typos that meant to say “of dating websites on his wife’s phone”

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 10/12/2022 09:33

BigChesterDraws · 10/12/2022 01:35

I felt like I was being gaslighted

Not even close. At most he’s lying to you. But please don’t trivialize gaslighting like this. It’s an extreme form of mental torture, not a lying husband flirting with others online (if he’s even doing that).

Doesn’t match.com cost money to join? Check the bank and credit card statements.

Please don’t trivialise my experience either. Berating me, calling me “crazy and insecure” and telling me how “unattractive” it is to be so insecure when I was merely calmly asking him what the email was, in my opinion is a form a gaslighting. If the shoe was on the other foot I couldn’t imagine reacting so angrily and could understand his concerns by dating website emails on how wife’s phone.

OP posts:
Nyna · 10/12/2022 09:30

I was signed up in Match.com very briefly. I realised I had to pay and so I switched to other apps. This makes me raise two points:
If I got mails from Match.com afterwards I would quickly classified it as spam, because they send emails very often. So odd that he didn’t, especially if he didn’t sign up himself.

Secondly, you could try to retrieve password in other dating apps/websites. If he used his email in match.com, chances are he used it in other sites and you can usually find out if the account exists in the retrieve password part. If the email doesn’t exist in their database it tells you.

MadelineUsher · 10/12/2022 09:27

Onnabugeisha · 10/12/2022 09:16

But that is confirmation bias surely. Everyone guilty ended up angry. Well innocent people can get angry at false accusations. Sitting there “confused” “bewildered” after the Penny had dropped and you realised your partner is accusing you of having an affair isn’t a script to prove innocence.

Show quote history

I'm only speaking from my experience of cheaters, liars, gamblers, addicts, and so on. Feel free to have your own life experience.

Onnabugeisha · 10/12/2022 09:16

MadelineUsher · 09/12/2022 23:24

Also if he was seriously confused, bemused, and bewildered - innocent, ie - he would remain so until the mystery was solved. Speaking from experience. The worst offenders were all baffled, absolutely baffled, before the shouting and turning it on me began. Happy days.

But that is confirmation bias surely. Everyone guilty ended up angry. Well innocent people can get angry at false accusations. Sitting there “confused” “bewildered” after the Penny had dropped and you realised your partner is accusing you of having an affair isn’t a script to prove innocence.

Onnabugeisha · 10/12/2022 09:07

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 08:44

But if it was spam, why didn't he unsubscribe ages ago? OP said the messages go back ages.

I have tons of zombie spam that I have unsubscribed from repeatedly but they keep popping back up.

Retz1212 · 10/12/2022 08:54

glamourousindierockandroll · 10/12/2022 08:47

Because some people are lazy about their inbox. Have you never met those people with 8374 notifications? It would drive me mad, as I delete and unsubscribe from things all the time but it doesn't bother everyone and they just leave them there.

This is me. With 127 tabs open on chrome. 🤣😭

glamourousindierockandroll · 10/12/2022 08:47

Because some people are lazy about their inbox. Have you never met those people with 8374 notifications? It would drive me mad, as I delete and unsubscribe from things all the time but it doesn't bother everyone and they just leave them there.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 08:44

But if it was spam, why didn't he unsubscribe ages ago? OP said the messages go back ages.

Retz1212 · 10/12/2022 08:33

Lots of people have said they get match.com spam (including me) with their names there so please don't jump to conclusions.

Anyway this post reminded me that when I was 15 I got a spam CALL from match.com and I was with my dad! I put it on loudspeaker, just assumed it would be someone who's number I didn't save. He was so confused and so was I! 😭

ClaireEclair · 10/12/2022 08:12

Scroll to the bottom of the email and look at the company address. If it’s a US address it might be that someone with a similar name in the US used his email address by accident when setting up their account. It happened to my sister last year. She got absolutely spammed and thought her email address had been hacked.

Fridaysgirl17 · 10/12/2022 07:56

indignatio · 10/12/2022 07:30

Agreed. I get them too. Really not impressed with the "matches " I have been sent. DH and I laugh about it

Show quote history

Me too I'm constantly getting emails from dating sites with matches both male & female & I'm not on any sites as I've no interest in dating, it's spam just like the winning millions from some lottery in Africa or someone I've never heard of leaving me an inheritance 🤷🏻‍♀️

indignatio · 10/12/2022 07:30

Aussiegirl88 · 10/12/2022 00:04

From the other side of the coin here.

Yes its a scam, how do I know because I get them and so does my husband. Yes it knows your name as it's on your email profile. I have certainly never signed up wnd pretty sure he wouldn't have signed up under his business name.

My emails specifically say my name and my husbands emails says his company name. Cause is due to information being sold by other places to third parties and some is pop ups if you've ever clicked on them. If I could work out how to upload pics I could show you the ones I get and my husband.

I can promise you they are spam!!!!!!!!!!

Agreed. I get them too. Really not impressed with the "matches " I have been sent. DH and I laugh about it

SezFrankly · 10/12/2022 07:07

Was it in his junk folder? If his data has been sold or stolen, he’ll get all sorts of stuff. Our junk is full of “hi xxx, Sarah is waiting for you in xxx” it’s virus links or crappy segs sites. they use the name on the email address.

if they’re legit emails from match.com then I’d suggest he’s signed up.

obviously you’ll be alert to other sus behaviour now. If you have access to his email to do the "forgotten password" you'll be able to try logging in.

dieselKiller · 10/12/2022 06:27

There’s a bunch of people on this thread who sound like they’d fall for the Microsoft tech support scam as long as the caller used their real name.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technical_support_scam

jelly79 · 10/12/2022 06:06

I get spam mails from match but I have used in the past previously.

But yesterday my profile was seen showing 'active in the last 24 hours' when I haven't been on it in about 2 years! That caused its own issues :(

They have unethical ways!

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