To get a cleaner without DH knowing?

... but hope you resolved the issue anyway 😚!

😂😊. Oops, no idea why this appeared in my feed!

I wouldn't ask/tell him in advance, but I also don't get why you need to keep it a secret.

I'd just book the cleaner, have them come, tell him after their first visit that you've booked them and leave it at that.

If he says, 'Oh we don't need a cleaner, I'll do it' or 'I think you should cancel them', tell him to do his best, demonstrate what he can do and you'll review the situation together in 6 weeks' time.

I can, and do, do this. I’m a SAHM and do all the childcare, cooking and cleaning. With two young kids sometimes everything just gets on top of me and I fall behind so what I do is every now and then - not too often, maybe every 6 weeks or so, I hire a cleaner to come and give the house a good clean and I don’t tell dh. I don’t think he’d even mind to be honest but sometimes I do think he thinks I just sit around all day! I either pay for it from my own money (and as far as I’m concerned it’s money very well spent) or i siphon bits and pieces off the housekeeping or from the joint account. I turn off the ring doorbell on that day too so he doesn’t suspect a thing! He comes home and he’s happy the house is nice and clean, I’m happy the house is nice and clean while I’ve been able to either just concentrate on the kids or do something nice for myself. In between the cleaner I just try to do maintenance cleaning and bathrooms as and when I can.

My OH felt the same, that we didn't need a cleaner. "We can manage".

Me: Fine, you do the cleaning (weekly) for 3 weeks on your own. The first time it doesn't get done we get a cleaner. End of week 1 - we got a cleaner

I wouldn't hide it though. It makes it look as though you are doing something wrong. Which you aren't

Yeah do it. Book them and once you’ve done that you might feel like mentioning it. I’m sure you’ll end up mentioning it fairly soon anyway.

Just get a cleaner and tell him. I had a cleaner - my other half persuaded me to let her go as he would be taking on more household duties. That was in August and I haven’t seen him pick up a mop yet.

Yes cleaner, no to secret. Mainly because it sets an unreasonable precedent for what you can manage and achieve forever. Also it's bleeding obvious when the cleaner has been imo. Also secrets are bad.

Yes, I totally can tell it's a sore subject!
Just get another cleaner, sooner rather than later! You've given it plenty of time and it obviously doesn't work for you.

If he WFH 4 days a week, he can do some of it - put a wash on before he starts timed to end at lunch so he can put it out in his break etc. The odd five minute task to wake him up a bit. If he doesn't like the idea of cramming housework into the tiny bits of free time he has during the day, tell him that's how you feel too.

Get a robot hoover.

Get a cleaner too - no cleaner does 100% of everything, there will still be plenty of housework to fight over!

When I was with exh housework was something that came up in counselling. Because he was upset not enough was getting done. We both worked full time and had/ have two kids. Already had a cleaner once a week.

So we made a rota as to when we’d do it - I did my bits/ times, he did not. Then we tried splitting it by tasks - I did my bits, he did not. Basically he thought I should be doing it all, although I worked a similar job to him and already did 90% of the childcare and most life admin.

I often say that, most housework and jobs I do around the house, you wouldn't know it had been done, but if I didn't do it, you'd bloody know!

Get a cleaner again!

I would tell him that the cleaner is already booked for Thursday. When he starts planning, say "oh yes, you can do that on Mondays, it will need it by then."

My DH was dead set against having a cleaner.

Until the second week of his parental leave, I’d been back at work a fortnight, and reminded him that the bathroom needed cleaning every week, whether he wanted to or not.

Truly, it’s not as obvious until you’re at home with a baby full time.

its been 10 blissful years…

You work, you need a cleaner. When I work I’ve always arranged a cleaner.
My concern is why not just be open with husband? Is he moody?
Secrets in a marriage will cause you sleepless nights.

@Tontostitis I'm finding it so therapeutic to see we're not the only ones having the same endless disagreement! Love your approach, I'll give a couple of months to tackle this sort of jobs and just get paid help when they don't happen.

Hire cleaner. Don’t mention it. When he eventually says “the place looks nice” you say “yes I’m getting some help in occasionally cos of being so exhausted from toddler, good isn’t she.”

If he never mentions it, neither do you.

@Toastedflatbread exactly! A cleaner doesn't mean we're not doing any cleaning! There is daily endless cleaning with laundry and washing up as it is.

At least with a cleaner you have that reset once a week that you just need to upkeep.

Last weekend I took the kids out for the day and as we had guests coming the following day, I mentioned to DH the house needed hoovering while we were out. He got so grumpy that he could finally have time to himself (which he more than deserves to have) and would now have to spend some of it hoovering.

Well, what does he expect? If you're happy to do the cleaning ourselves, I'm afraid it's not only going to be when it is convenient and you feel like it.

Welcome to my life.

No dont do that. You'll do it and it will be the one time he comes home ill from work or something and he will call the police on them

My dh is like this I now let him make the plans, leave an appropriate amount of time, one week, month, six weeks whatever and then just book the chimney sweep, window cleaner, hedge trimmer. I'd do the same if we needed a cleaner tbh. I do generally tell him after the event or just before if he's home and say you said you'd do X 3 months ago and you haven't stuck to it so this is the new plan. I just bought a robot vacuum as I'm sick of the arguments over how well and often to sweep our hardwood floors and get been arguing against it for 2 years My dh has recently retired so I'm expecting a brand new round of "I'll do it"

Just tell him you're getting a cleaner. Put your foot down woman!

And just say no to all his plans. You need help. I think it's a great idea.

Suggest a month's trial and say after that you'll review things. then you'll both never look back.

@DameHelena It's been a month, I wanted to give it a fair shot before declaring I was right and it's not working.

What drives me crazy is he still won't think I'm right and will think it's working.

Except this week he's not cleaned the bathrooms because his work's been really busy.

I've been really sick, the kids have been sick and given me many sleepless nights, so I should be able to sit down with a cup of tea on my lunchbreak, not mop the floor.

But he'll argue that I'm making myself a martyr and he could have mopped at the weekend. Easy for him to say as he's out of the house all day, I have to look at a skanky floor all week.

Plus, if he's desperate to clean at the weekend there are a hundred other jobs we're not keeping on top of he could get on with (clean windows, oven, declutter garage...).

Having that basic clean done by a cleaner is the bare minimum really, and I REALLY need it for my sanity. We work really hard, both full time, have no family help, give our kids all of ourselves. We need a cleaner.

Can you tell it's a sore subject? 😁😁