To feel let down by ‘friends’

Notahappychick · 2022-11-14T15:24:36+00:00

So I know everyone has shit going on in their lives but every time I try to meet up with friends it seems like they don’t want to know. I feel like I bend over backwards to arrange meet up at a time that suits them, accommodate when is best for them, whether their child/ grandchild/ dog also needs accommodating at that time so whether we are going for coffee, a walk, their home or mine etc. It’s always me that messages, and all I seem to get are brushoffs. I am self employed and work alone so these catch ups are really important to me but clearly not so much to them which I find very frustrating as I have supported each of them through some shit times. I’m talking out of 4 friends (my circle is quite small) I’ve only seen one of them this year.

seekinghappiness22 · 31/05/2023 01:01

I’ve been having the same problem for so long Myself. I’ve been let down so much by friends mostly but also family. True, dependable friends are rare. My best friend let me down again today after we made plans to meet up and i’m at a point where i honestly feel i may as well let go of this friendship that has lasted over 30 years. The crazy thing is we’ve always lived close by each other yet she never really has ever made the effort to visit me. I’m sooo tired atp.

Original poster

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 21:26

@Floatyflip two were very good friends years ago when our children were young, one was colleague from a previous job so a bit more then acquaintances, that’s why I feel let down by people who I thought I would go through thick and thin with. Yes family and work commitments change and friendships change along with that over time but that doesn’t make it any easier at the thought that you are losing friends along the way.

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Original poster

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 21:20

@WednesdaysChild11 yes, already have DP’s grandchildren around and some from my side to come but hopefully not too soon!

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WednesdaysChild11 · 14/11/2022 20:43

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:43

Haha lol, that bit in your first post did make me chuckle! My DP would have forty fits at the thought of having babies. He’s a young grandad, my lot have all but flown the nest but aren’t at the having children stage yet 😊

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😂 I'm an idiot lol. But hey! Grandchildren in the future hopefully? x

lllllllllll · 14/11/2022 20:15

Floatyflip · 14/11/2022 19:48

Meeting someone 2-3 times a year makes them an acquaintance at best. Not a friend

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@Floatyflip hardly. Do you not have any good friends who live a long way away?

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Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 20:05

@Tomatopasta exactly this, one could only do evenings, one Saturdays, one could only meet on a Monday which meant I would pencil her in whenever I had a week off and then we’d confirm nearer the time.
It is upsetting when you send someone a lovely message for their birthday and ask about meeting up sometime and all you get back is ‘thank you’. Or someone cancelled due to a cold almost two months ago and is going to get back to you when they’re better…..

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Tomatopasta · 14/11/2022 19:53

I do agree somewhat with the responses. Unfortunately I’ve been in situations (with many friends actually!) who continually cancel, or refuse to go out anywhere unless it’s between the hours of 10-2 on a specific weekday. The weekend is absolutely off limits. I understand that those two days are usually when families spend time together, but if it meant me going to see a friend for a few hours on a Saturday who I haven’t seen for a long time I would absolutely do it, or try my best to work around it if I had plans.

It’s very upsetting when you are one making all the effort and I bet you would probably lose some friendships along the way if you stopped doing it. I know I would! I don’t think it makes you look desperate as such, it just makes you realise that you are putting in far more effort to maintain the relationship…

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Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:53

@Laurdo I agree, I’d rather have no friends than shit friends, looks like I’m heading that way!

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Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:51

@WednesdaysChild11
@Coffeepot72

Yes I might start looking for something to start doing in the new year, I’m a bit of a home bird at this time of year!
I mean I’ve got plenty of ppl I can call or message so not lonely but they’re not necessarily the people I could have those ‘best friend’ kind of conversations with iykwim.

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Floatyflip · 14/11/2022 19:48

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:01

@BuryingAcorns i wouldn’t say that meeting someone two or three times a year for a couple of hours was particularly needy??
And I always make sure to ask about them and their families, jobs etc so it’s definitely not an all about me fest.

Meeting someone 2-3 times a year makes them an acquaintance at best. Not a friend

Original poster

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:43

WednesdaysChild11 · 14/11/2022 19:22

Omg I'm sorry @Notahappychick I'm so sorry just read you already have children! What an idiot lol 🤦 so perhaps one of the other things I mentioned...plus hobbies? x

Haha lol, that bit in your first post did make me chuckle! My DP would have forty fits at the thought of having babies. He’s a young grandad, my lot have all but flown the nest but aren’t at the having children stage yet 😊

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Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:38

Thanks for all the replies, most have confirmed what I have been thinking tbh, move on as they clearly don’t value my friendship as much as I have valued theirs.
Which is a shame but there you go.

The one friend I have seen also happens to be the newest friend, we met at a group about a year before covid so I’ve already done the whole ‘go to groups and meet ppl’ thing, the sad thing is she’s moving away in the new year so that going to make meeting up very difficult as she will be 5 hrs away. Where I live is semi rural so it’s a bit tricky to find places to meet ppl that I don’t already know.

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Coffeepot72 · 14/11/2022 19:30

I read some great advice on a different thread, about making friends:

attend as many things as you can, chat pleasantly to everyone (but not for too long), and don’t try to make friends.

Worth a try!

WednesdaysChild11 · 14/11/2022 19:22

Omg I'm sorry @Notahappychick I'm so sorry just read you already have children! What an idiot lol 🤦 so perhaps one of the other things I mentioned...plus hobbies? x

WednesdaysChild11 · 14/11/2022 19:21

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:10

@Divilment ‘desparate’ is a bit far fetched?? as above I don’t think asking to share approx 6 hrs of someone’s time over the course of a year is in that category.
As for putting myself in the dynamic I take your point and it might read like that but I also have to work it around my job, hence why sometimes it’s tricky to arrange but I am the one with out any dependants at the moment as my children are older but it hasn’t always been the case.

No it's not. I think the reason why you are so perturbed is because you are NOT desperate and thus haven't done anything to warrant such shitty behaviour. You'll just have to accept the fact that some ppl are just rude.

I've been giving this some thought recently and have had an epiphany of sorts lol, epiphany might be a bit strong. But anyway my "epiphany" is a bit along the lines of "may be a reason why all the doors are closed..." And if you had other things in your life you wouldn't have time yourself to see these friends (or it would be more difficult). This is the position you need to aspire to be in. So the three things I can think of are: family/relationship - are you with someone or open to dating and if you are in a relationship, what do you feel about becoming a parent? That would certainly eat up a lot of time! Career: Is there something that you have always wanted to do that would require a lot of dedication that in the past may have been difficult? Well, now's the time to do it! Finally, but I'm sure there's more examples if you put your mind to it...travelling! Any countries you have always been interested in?? Why not go touring?

I hope I don't sound too blasé, particularly about becoming a parent, but my point is, perhaps your destiny is supposed to be doing something else right now being as you are finding some people so bloody awkward and I say that as someone who is in a similar position. My aim is to be a mum. As soon as I achieve it, I won't be seeing some of my shit friends for dust!

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Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:18

@amijustparanoidorjuststoned sorry to read that, that would definitely piss me off.

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NocturnalUponStLucy · 14/11/2022 19:16

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:10

@Divilment ‘desparate’ is a bit far fetched?? as above I don’t think asking to share approx 6 hrs of someone’s time over the course of a year is in that category.
As for putting myself in the dynamic I take your point and it might read like that but I also have to work it around my job, hence why sometimes it’s tricky to arrange but I am the one with out any dependants at the moment as my children are older but it hasn’t always been the case.

But, comparatively speaking, it’s true — you’re continually chasing people to meet up, you’re always the one who first makes contact about meeting and the one who ‘bends over backwards’ to accommodate the others. Quite clearly, regardless of how often you want to meet, you’re far more invested than the other people involved, who simply don’t want or need it as much.

Original poster

Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:10

@Divilment ‘desparate’ is a bit far fetched?? as above I don’t think asking to share approx 6 hrs of someone’s time over the course of a year is in that category.
As for putting myself in the dynamic I take your point and it might read like that but I also have to work it around my job, hence why sometimes it’s tricky to arrange but I am the one with out any dependants at the moment as my children are older but it hasn’t always been the case.

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Notahappychick · 14/11/2022 19:01

@BuryingAcorns i wouldn’t say that meeting someone two or three times a year for a couple of hours was particularly needy??
And I always make sure to ask about them and their families, jobs etc so it’s definitely not an all about me fest.

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Divilment · 14/11/2022 17:53

WednesdaysChild11 · 14/11/2022 15:57

You know I've been seeing this topic so much this week on Mumsnet! This is probably the 4th or 5th thread I've seen this week like this.

Yes, and the people posting can never see that they are also contributing to the one-sided dynamic, that it’s not entirely or always ‘Generous, giving, thoughtful me being ill-treated by flaky, callous users’ — if you are the one always seeking meet-ups, always accommodating, agreeing to cancellations and reschedulings without a murmur, then you are positioning yourself as the one who is unimportant, whose life has nothing in it that can’t be cancelled or moved around for a meet-up, going cap in hand to people who have other resources.

It’s not fair on anyone. Find some other circles/hobbies/clubs too, OP. Think you’ll be happier in this circle when you’re not solely reliant on it, and it’s possible they’ll also be more responsive when you’re less obviously desperate to see them.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 14/11/2022 17:43

I can't be too specific, because the details are outing. But I recently went through a similar thing.

My DH and I hosted an event to celebrate a huge milestone. We paid for food and drinks for all of our friends and family - all they had to do was show up and enjoy themselves. We asked in advance if a certain date worked for everyone - they said yes - the invitations were sent and everyone RSVPd.

48 hours before the event, two of the people I considered my closest friends (at the time) dropped out and gave pretty useless excuses, because they essentially couldn't be bothered to travel about 20 miles for one night. For the one evening that meant so much to their "close friend".😊

There was no malice intended behind their decision - they just didn't think, or didn't get how awful they came across, and it was quite crushing. I've essentially redefinied my boundaries with them both - I no longer consider them close friends of mine, more acquaintances now. It sucks - but you've just got to manage your expectations better. You'll find that if you redefine your friendships and set better boundaries you will find that better friends come along. Good luck!

Floatyflip · 14/11/2022 17:04

You need to make friends that actually like you OP

you might think of these people as friends, but they clearly don’t feel the same way

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 14/11/2022 16:50

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SandyY2K · 14/11/2022 16:14

I've got a group of friends and it's always one of them who organises catch ups. It's always been that way tbh...but the rest of us want to meet up and don't brush her off. It's just that she always does it and I do wonder how often if at all we'd meet up, if she didn't organise it.

WednesdaysChild11 · 14/11/2022 16:12

They suck. Period.