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AIBU?

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Original poster

Relationship age gaps

161 replies

Flutterbybudget · 13/11/2022 03:40

Not sure if it’s really an AIBU but do they matter? And what age gap is/ isn’t acceptable to you? Does it matter which partner is older?
So, for example, a 17 year old (F) dating a 27 year old (M)?. Or a 20 year old (F) dating a 29 (M)? Or a 30 (M) and a 47 (F)?
And does it matter how they know each other? Big age gap, but family friend? Was in a position of authority at “some” point - such as teacher/ boss/ instructor of some sort? Or not an age gap, but still in a position of authority? Such as boss or doctor?

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/11/2022 05:15

CJsGoldfish · 13/11/2022 04:12

It's the younger age that matters.
Under 20 with a 10 yr gap? Nope. No grown adult wants to be with a teenager unless they are looking for someone to mold or simply can't relate to those their own age. A warning sign all on it's own.
No matter how 'mature' the teen thinks they are. It's predatory and it's purposeful. And a teen isn't going to know the difference no matter how much they protest it not to be true 🤷‍♀️

This...

My first serious boyfriend at just 17...was 23... We ended up living together for a few years. ... I thought I was very mature (I wasn't...). Luckily, I realised there was no way I wanted to marry him (what he and his family was desperate for!)

The life stage gap was just too big. I jumped 6th form... He had been out of school, left home and working for 6 years. That made a HUGE difference.

I wasn't mature enough to realise a lot of the attraction for him was BECAUSE I was so young! (and malleable...) 🤢

NurseBernard · 13/11/2022 04:52

What consenting adults do is up to them.

I would not be happy though, if my child was 18 or 19 and seeing someone 10 or more years older than them.

I do make judgments about the motives of the sort of middle aged man who gets into a relationship with someone much younger than him, I freely admit it.

Kitkatcatflap · 13/11/2022 04:36

There will be a zillion people coming on saying ohhh there is a 35 year age gap and I was 17 etc and we have been so happy. But 17 - come on NO. A 10 year age difference is huge at that stage of your life. And the poster above is right, why aren't they relating to people their own age?

Januarcelebration · 13/11/2022 04:33

For me it’s not just about the age gap. Though, with the age gap it’s the age of the younger one, that mainly impacts it for me.

But also, does the older one always date much younger? People who are early 20s? My personal experience is that when someone (man or woman) only ever dates much younger it’s usually because they have to be in control and find people in early adulthood easier to manipulate and control.

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 13/11/2022 04:32

CJsGoldfish · 13/11/2022 04:12

It's the younger age that matters.
Under 20 with a 10 yr gap? Nope. No grown adult wants to be with a teenager unless they are looking for someone to mold or simply can't relate to those their own age. A warning sign all on it's own.
No matter how 'mature' the teen thinks they are. It's predatory and it's purposeful. And a teen isn't going to know the difference no matter how much they protest it not to be true 🤷‍♀️

Is it a huge warning sign, if the older partner can’t relate to people of their own age? Just genuinely less mature emotionally?

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 13/11/2022 04:20

You can't judge by the numbers .

I met DH when I was 17, he was 28. So that might sound bad - and he was also the teacher in a work training school and I was one of the pupils - even worse, I hear people say . Position of power and all that. But he was actually living through a horribly sad time then, having just lost his beloved mum in an awful accident. I came along and in fact I was the strong one in the relationship, understanding that he was going through some really sad times and being there for him.

We've been married for 20 years, together 25 years. Never had an unhappy day. So no I don't think the numbers mean a thing - everyone's story is different.

CJsGoldfish · 13/11/2022 04:12

It's the younger age that matters.
Under 20 with a 10 yr gap? Nope. No grown adult wants to be with a teenager unless they are looking for someone to mold or simply can't relate to those their own age. A warning sign all on it's own.
No matter how 'mature' the teen thinks they are. It's predatory and it's purposeful. And a teen isn't going to know the difference no matter how much they protest it not to be true 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Flutterbybudget · 13/11/2022 04:05

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Well, that was helpful. Thanks for your insight.

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 13/11/2022 04:01

Wouldn't be for me but each to their own.

lennolin · 13/11/2022 03:53

Under 18 is bad . Anyone over that age are adults and whatever anyone's opinion is down to the adults involved.

Harkonatit · 13/11/2022 03:42

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