Relationship age gaps

Large age gaps are rarer so that’s a silly point. My guess is more 35 year 18 year old relationships are weird and dysfunctional than two 18 year olds relationships are because most normal stable men in their thirties aren’t going to want to date a teenager.

Exactly. MN has shown, time and again, that people will normalise and accept the most unbelievably unhealthy relationship dynamics.

And then we have the ‘well, it worked for my parents/grandparents’. As if relationships have historically been equal and balanced and the historical setups didn’t leave anything to be desired. Society is moving away from the reflexive sexism of times gone past - we CARE about teenagers being groomed. 30 years ago, the concept didn’t even exist.

And most people living in dysfunctional relationships are close in age. Must be that, then.
OR it has zilch to do with age and everything to do with the shitty old patriarchy

Ah, but on MN it is. Every single time, and commenters have no problem judging complete strangers' happy adult relationships based on a cast iron 'rule' about numbers .
Because many of them are very narrow-minded and can't imagine that people might be individuals. See: everyone over 70 is senile and will soon need full time care.

I think we need to bare in mind that there are very different 17 year olds too. We look at our 17 year olds bed they are hopefully still childlike and acting their age.

By 17 I had been living on my own for 2 years, working full time and paying rent. I had a hard childhood and I was very much a grown up by 17. I never once felt intimidated, belittled or overpowered by the older man I was seeing. He still lived with his parents!

Well no but a lot of people are in dysfunctional relationships they see as completely normal because that’s what they grew up around, they aren’t necessarily “lying”.

So they would all be lying just because you say so? Ok then.

Or 'predatory' even.

My mum was 28 when she met my 18 year old dad. They met through their local church group and just happened to get along. They've been married more than 40 years so something must've been right. Fairly sure my mum wouldn't have been predatorial!

I was 17, he was 24.

Still together happy 15 years later.

15 years between dh and I. However we met when I was in my early 30s. I do think there can sometimes be a power dynamic in age gap relationships but generally when one person is in their teens/twenties and maybe a bit less worldly iyswim.

In our case it's never been an issue and I never even think about it, except when he talks about his crap taste in music 🙈

When I was 18 my boyfriend was 29, we were together for three years, lived together. I absolutely CRINGE when I look back on the relationship. First off he was an alcoholic, manipulative, ended up being abusive but as a 30 year old woman I wouldn’t of put up with 99% of the crap I did as an 18 year old but you’re so much easier to manipulate at that age. Yeah I’m not a fan.

I doubt in real life many would care. Most of the posters saying it's wrong etc would not say it without their keyboards. My dh is older than me and he fits in well with my friendship group and I'm good with his. 20 years together with 3 children. About 1 person voiced his opinion and he apologised to my dh about 5 years into our relationship.

Yeah he did a number on you making me think that you were the “strong one”, I’m 30 and a 17 year old is an absolute baby to me.

You can speak to who you like. Pretending that condemning grown men for having sex with children is the same as saying all friends must be the same age is disingenuous, at best.

A much older man that ‘goes for’ a 16 year old is a predator. This is the example that you gave. There is no extenuating circumstance in which this is not the case. None. No matter how ‘mature’ the 16 year old thinks they are or the predator claims they are, they are a child. If a grown man is dating a child, he is grotesque.

I very much hope you don’t actually have a daughter. This thread is currently being filled by posters who had horrific experiences with older men as teenagers, and many of the situations were created by mothers with attitudes like yours: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4673471-whats-the-most-wildly-inappropriate-thing-to-ever-happen-to-you?page=1

Not every relationship with an age gap is about someone being a predator or being disgusting.
Would you say that friends should also be the same age because otherwise it's vile and disgusting. Should I stop talking to people at work if they are not the same age as me? Should my daughter?
Some older people who go for younger ones are predators sadly but not all are the same.
My relationship with an older man was equal. No grooming involved. I'm with someone a bit younger than me now and I can see a lot of similarities between the relationships.
Just as I can't say every relationship with an age gap is equal, you can't really think that every relationship with an age gap is vile and involve grooming. It's not always the case.

MN is very tyrannical about this so you’ll get loads of ‘why does anyone want to date a young person when they’re older’ yada yada

once both are over 18 I don’t give a flying fig the age gap, neither do most irl

This.

Society has been normalising predatory relationships for millennia. People don’t seem to understand that ‘well, I did it/had it done to me’ does not make these things okay.

Dating a much older man when you’re 16 isn’t fine just because it’s been normalised in your circles. It’s vile, disgusting, predatory behaviour that sets the younger - usually female - partner up for a life of inequity.

It's not for me but I do think it should be down to individuals. That said those age differences where one is in a position of power or trust really does make me uncomfortable regardless of if it is legal (this is probably made worse by being a secondary/sixth form teacher tbf).

I meant to add I was 28 and he was 39 when we started going out, though I’d known him socially for a while before then.

It is weird.

When I was younger I had two relationships with older men. When I was 16 I was seeing a 21 year old. With hindsight it was definitely icky. I was still very much a child. He was controlling and thought that he could mould me into what he wanted. He also used to subtly put me down, even though looking back I was way out of his league.

When I was 20, I met a man 11 years older. He was divorced and had his own house that I was expected to move into but was made very clear was not mine. He used to mock my lack of cooking skills etc. I was an adult but still lived at home and hadn’t even been on holiday with a ‘boy’. He was also very controlling but he justified this as his wife cheated on him. I look back and think of spending a Christmas Day sat home with his dm while he went to the pub, and numerous Saturdays with him at the match but as soon as the season ended expecting me to drop
and plans I’d had because he was now free. Ditto Christmas. He used to say that the age gap didn’t matter as ‘no one even noticed’ that there was a gap if not told. Again, looking back it was bloody obvious as I really did look and act very young. I was also a bit in awe of him.

In the end I left him for my now dh (who made me realise just how messed up the relationship was) and we split after a year and a half. He was really nasty and made life very difficult for me. He kept a lot of my personal sentimental possessions and I genuinely have no fond memories of being with him as I can’t imagine what sort of man in his thirties thinks it’s appropriate to be with someone so much younger with so much less life experience. It’s really grim.

My dh and I are similar age and from the beginning our relationship was so much more equal. We were able to buy our first home together and make it our own - not just his. We have shared so many firsts together and had a wonderful life. Looking back I can’t believe what I used to put up with from the older ex. He didn’t want me to do anything without him but expected me to fit my life around him without him changing his routines in the slightest. I can’t help but think that this was why he wanted someone younger as it was clear that his ex didn’t do any of this.

I really regret both of the age gap relationships as I feel very much taken advantage of, but I appreciate that because of my own issues I allowed myself to get into these situations. But if anyone similar came sniffing around my dd I would make it my mission to get her away from them.

I often wonder if people who ended up married to the man they met when they were 17 who happened to be nearby 30 at the time just don’t have a sense of what a normal power balance in a relationship is nor want to confront it as they may need to consider the fact they were essentially groomed

That's exactly how it is. And that is exactly why someone that much older seeks out a teenager. A lack of life experience ensures that they're not going to realise their 'blissfully happy' normal is only 'blissfully happy' because they've been molded to be just what the older partner wanted. And how flattering it must be for a child to think they've been chosen because of how 'mature' they are.
As long as the younger one never wises up..

A well adjusted 27 or 28 year old man would have no interest in a 17 year old girl.

I always wonder if teenage girls who were involved with older men see it differently when they get to that age themselves. At 17 it’s easy to convince yourself it’s because you’re mature and special but when you reach your twenties surely you see it for what it was.