Relationship age gaps

Assuming OP retires at 67 then the likelihood is he won't be around anyway

I think you misunderstand me. When the DP is 71 the OP will only be 43.

@ilyx i wouldn’t waste your time sending links to show ( correctly) that under 17’s have high risk pregnancies.

I suspect @ApplePieFry and others commenting are very young.

anyone who thinks that 30 year olds are ancient -or in any way in decline -must be about 12! 😂

most people over 25 would rather watch paint dry than hang out with a 16 year old.

I'm 48. DP is 30. Been together 3 years.

He's very emotionally mature, more so than older guys I've dated. I think I'm quite young at heart. I like to be active and he has the energy to keep up with me. He'll play tennis with my teenagers or run around with the dog. Most middle aged men I know are fat and lazy!

Obviously there's a power imbalance. He's currently at university so has limited income. I have a well paid professional career. But it's not an issue. We do things he can afford. We just booked a holiday and he's putting money aside each month for that. He's much better at budgeting than me.

The relationship might not last but, right now, we make each other happy. Im a great believer in living for the moment. Life is too short to worry about what the future holds.

I think once you're an adult, it's mostly about life stages - with stuff like positions of power etc factored in as well.

So a 20 year old and a 30 year old (or a 20 and 35 year old) are likely to be at different stages in their life - one is at uni or not long since a teen, the 30 year old has potentially almost a decade in the working world, might own a house (less so these days!), might already have had a long-term relationship with cohabiting and the experience that brings, etc. That gap isn't necessarily bad but when the older, more experienced person uses that gap in experience against the younger person to control or coerce them, it becomes relevant. A 40 and a 50/55 year old are less likely to be so far apart in experience.

It's not as flat as 'all age gaps over about 4 years are weird', it's 'some age gaps create a power dynamic that can be damaging'.

I dated a 29 year old when I was 19, for about a year. I'm still dealing with the damage that did to my self esteem now - he owned a house, had a car, had a stable job. These are all things he'd use against me time and again to make me feel unworthy or like I should be trying hard to make him love me - "you're 19, what do you know?". Obviously it's not just age, he was an arsehole, but that age gap was a huge part in how he manipulated me.

Why?

Because it's MN, home of the batshit post.

I was 18 when I met xp and he was 38. Everyone was quite rightly horrified, but being the stubborn and immature teen that I was I didn't listen. I moved in with him 2 weeks after meeting him.

I definitely looked younger than 18 when I met him and I was very inexperienced in life and sexually. He definitely took advantage of that.

I stayed with him for 10 years and had 3 kids with him. Why ? Partly because I knew no difference and partly because even though I hated being with him I wanted to prove everyone wrong, I don't really know.

It's only recently that I've come to realise that I was essentially groomed and then moulded into what he wanted. Makes me feel sick now .

I do believe the OP asked about age gaps in general, more in the context of how big an age gap is acceptable.

I absolutely did not. I was terribly gawky as a 16 year old. Had much more confidence by the time I reached 30.

Why?

Maybe. More likey they're just being crazy though.

Depending on where the poster lives, it might be illegal. MN has posters from all over the world.

Oh I don't think it's necessarily ideal having a 17 year old with someone nearer 30. Just not sure what the PP thinks the police would do about it.

I'd be uncomfortable about the 17 -year-old dating the 27- year- old (though she's technically over the age of consent); anything that involves people over 18 is totally their business, so long as neither of them is in a position of power over the other.

100%
This thread, and most age gap threads are a prime example.

The "..my grandparents.." anecdotes are often not the flex people think they are.

Not every relationship with an age gap is about someone being a predator or being disgusting
Of course it isn't and no one has said it is. When there is a significant age gap and the younger party is a teen it IS predatory which then makes it disgusting.

Some older people who go for younger ones are predators sadly but not all are the same
Yes they are all the same

My relationship with an older man was equal. No grooming involved. I'm with someone a bit younger than me now and I can see a lot of similarities between the relationships
If you were a teenager then no it wasn't. I know it's easier to pretend that you really were as mature as he said you were but you weren't.
Just as I can't say every relationship with an age gap is equal, you can't really think that every relationship with an age gap is vile and involve grooming
The ones involving teenagers are 🤷‍♀️

When I was just turned 18, the summer I left school, I was persuaded into dating a man who was 32 and, of course, a school teacher. We went out for about a year and a half through my first and some of my second year at uni. He was a utter dick and, yes, I think he did like the power aspect of it. He did the whole love bombing thing and was weirdly jealous of my best friend. So, from that experience I think age gaps when one of the people is still very young are a bit unpleasant yes.

Age gaps don't bother me. I have one with Dh, and many of my friends have varying ones. But all 3 of your examples I am not comfortable with.The younger they are, the worse it is. 17 and 27 makes me wince, because it's so inappropriate.

I'm laughing at the person who said they'd phone the police on someone dating a seventeen year old.
There's always some entertaining batshittery 😂

Wait a minute, you're saying on another thread that you're divorced. Are you talking shite? 😂 Justifying adult/teen relationships for a laugh is utterly warped if so!!

When I was teaching and girls of 15 or 16 came up bragging that they had pulled a boyfriend in his 20s (often with a car!) I always asked them what on earth was wrong with him if girls his own age didn't fancy him? It sometimes worked. Another ploy was to tell them they were brave, taking on a man who was so much older, given he'd be all old and wrinkly when they were still in their dashing 40s.

My first long term relationship I had just turned 17 and he was 22. At the time you feel so grown up etc then I realised how controlling it was. My family loved him and I stayed with him longer than I should. It ruined friendships and my uni experience being with someone who basically was jealous and controlling but everyone thought was a god send for keeping me on the rails.
It was also a time where a few people my age were dating men in their late 20s and early 30s, thinking they were grown up when really it was wrong that 28-35 year old men were interested in 17 year old girls and nobody batted an eyelid. I think those times have changed.
However, when people are 18, they get to make their own choices. I would be sceptical of a person over 25 dating a teenager but that's based on my own experiences.

Ew.

Partly my issue too. I know a few people (including myself) who have been in or are in relationships where there is a big age gap and at any age it has problems.

A woman in her 20s, dating a man in his 40s, I think about the children they might bring into the world - there's a correlation between older male fathers and an increased risk of ADHD, aspergers and depression. Also, what about the clashing energy levels - a 20 something still wants to do stuff and explore the world whereas a 40 yo has been there and done it all. Most women don't think about the long-term either, as in what happens when he's less mobile. Is the woman going to be the carer for the rest of her life?

Up to 10 years gap at any, I think is respectable but more than that and it's too much.

With the exception of anything illegal… I think it’s less about numbers and more about peoples life stage, With emphasis on certain stages.

For example if the age gap is around the prime baby making years it may be more tricky (more so if the woman is older). But then there are people who mature faster/slower…and sometimes it works out. A friend I went to school with met an older woman, he became a dad in his mid 20s because she was late 30s (think she was 40 when baby was born.. it’s somewhere between 10-15 year gap I think). He’s always been quite mature for his age though.

I imagine it can be tricky around retirement age too, one is out of work, the other isn’t. Although DPs parents have a 10 year age gap, his mum stopped working at about 55 and his dad is now 75 and adores his job and plans to stop at 80! (His dad looks younger than his age, his mum looks older.. it’s like their biological age has met int the middle of their chronological age).

Im 38, I think it’s difficult to put an age either way as it depends on so much… some people are mature young others don’t (both in outlook and appearance!). A 28 year old mature man could work, 48 could work.,, but then both feel a bit weird writing the numbers! I’d feel better with 30 to 28 I think because it’s ‘in the 30s’.