Should you date again as a single parent?

Started dating a year after I was separated. The kids knew nothing of it as it was only when they were with their dad. I went on quite a few dates when they were away with him for a week!

Didn't introduce him to the kids for 5 months, he didn't stay over when they were at home for 2 or 3 years, we still don't live together, because the kids are my priority - but there is no reason you shouldn't date as a single parent, if that's what you want to do.

I don't see why you can't date when you're ready. I guess it's then what you do with that relationship.
I had a bit of a fling when my marriage broke down, I quit my job, retrained and just wanted to build a life for the kids and I. However, I fell for my fling and after about a year I just knew we were very right together. I finally knew what it was like to be really loved and I'm so glad I have this. He met my kids after knowing him 2 years and we've now been together over 6 years. His kids are grown up and we don't live together but he does come over and he is part of our lives but I still mostly see him wen kids are with their dad. This works for us, allows me to protect the kids space and put them first and I have a lovely relationship too. Perhaps in another 5 years or so it will be different as it would be lovely to build a life together but for now I can have the cake and I eat it and every ones happy 😁

You’re very defensive and I’m not criticising you.

It sounds like your problem is your family. Maybe start by putting in some boundaries with them. I can’t imagine anyone in my family speaking to me like you describe.

No, I am not saying no-one would want to know you now you are a single mum, but that whether you like it or not, you are vulnerable to not good men, so you need really clear, rock hard boundaries. I didn’t have them, and it was very, very messy. I thought my ex was potentially a good partner because he had a Dd the same age as mine and we were in the same profession, had interests in common, and he came across as a stable type of person. In fact, he was controlling and inflexible and very good at being emotionally manipulative and not taking no for an answer and it is almost like he zero’d in on me because he saw someone good natured and prepared to be flexible and who had no idea coercive control was a thing or how subtly it starts. He was very charming, but actually everything was his way.
So I am saying you need good boundaries.
There are still things, ten years later, which make my DD on edge because she relates them to him. But on the surface, this is a professional, well-educated, charming, solvent good citizen who managed to convince me I was crazy.

I’m not saying this necessarily applies to you, OP, but a person who would rather stay in an unhappy relationship than be single is not someone who should contemplate entering the very brutal world of OLD.

Hear hear!! I wouldn't date men with children and although I might not have considered myself 'cream of the crop' I certainly wasn't a 'second rater'.

People have the right to set their own criteria for a partner, be it politics, religion, children, or pets. If it eliminates a certain group, that is their prerogative. A refusal to include you (the generic 'you', not a specific poster) in that criteria doesn't make them less than a first rate choice.

I don't think anyone has said that. It is a smaller dating pool not a non existent one

Sorry but this is nonsense. Lots of men won't date women with children - lots of women on here won't date men with children either.

I don't buy into the concept of "cream of the crop" when it comes to people but of course it's a smaller dating pool when you have kids. And you're not a bad person if you don't want to date someone with kids either. It's not for everyone

The "cream of the crop men" wouldn't care if a woman was a single mum or not.....which means that those ruling out single mothers are not, by definition "cream of the crop" are they?

Absolutely you do, we all deserve that.

This a good point too, realistically if you can't date.... due to virtually having no childcare that is a different matter full stop.

Its not really a case of "choosing" to be single.

The ideal for dc - those with the best outcomes are dc with two mums. What a surpise... ( well not a surprise, it makes perfect sense).

But mums also hurt and abuse their dc. I'm a SW and the parents are often worse than the step parents. The statistics match the reality. If you are going to date/have children based on statistics to keep your dc safe then have them with a woman and, if you do want a man make sure he isn't white.

If you aren't doing the above to keep your dc safe then rest assured the new partner that the OP may find and bring around her dc is far less likely to harm her dcs then your dcs own dad.

And I'm a SP with no wish to date right now.

@CatchersAndDreams i must admit I think that in the list of ideal situations it would go two parents living together, one stable parent, blended families.

There are lots of cases where a single mother (it usually is a woman) meets someone and he ends up being a father figure in every way, I know a few who have even adopted the children from the first relationship if the dad isn’t involved at all. It can work brilliantly.

But I do think it’s good to be aware. In the same way I’m aware of dangers when I drive, it doesn’t mean I don’t drive, it just means I proceed with knowledge.

I don’t think there’s much point to this thread as the OP just wants an argument but that’s meant generally not specifically.

** this myth about step parents harming dc has taken hold on MN. It is more likely a parent rather than a step parent will harm their child.

Why would you not. You only live once and it’s your life. I dated as a single mum and met my now dp we have. 6 year old son together. Do what makes you happy, have fun but do not let anyone tell you what to do!! X

@StarfishBrain the biggest risk to dc is their own dad. I really don't understand why this myth has taken hold on MN.

But that seems to be conflating two things: firstly, that if somebody is worth going on more than one date with it should be implicit in that that you are giving that your full attention. Otherwise it's just insulting. Things then progress, or not. And yes people should communicate about that as it happens but having some set structure about having to have specific conversations to define the relationship is just such an enormous turn off that it would definitely give me the ick. I mean, if there's chemistry and you're both developing feelings and then somebody says "should we be exclusive then?" that means they are unsure whether to continue dating other people, or have been up until feelings are supposedly this developed (which to me, means they aren't, because otherwise why would they even be doing that?!). Just gives me the total ick.

Developing a romantic and eventually committed relationship can be totally separate though - for years or forever - from combining finances or involving DC. I agree with you that that part should be taken much more seriously by all separated parents. And much more slowly than many do it, if at all (it isn't required!).

The two things are not related, though.

@StarfishBrain It worked for me, in as much as I didn't want to throw myself straight into a relationship with anyone, I wanted to go on some first and second dates and slowly dip my toe into the dating pond, so being able to talk to a few men at once, without having to feel bad about it was ok. When I started seeing DP and wanted to be exclusive I spoke to him about it and we both knew where we stood.

I think things are less romantic generally when you're a bit older and you've both been married and divorced and have dc to consider. When you're young and in love and buying a house together you don't usually don't have to think about protecting your dc's inheritance, when you're older and have assets and you've been burned before its very different.

I am so glad you are happy but "you know better second time around" is clearly untrue given the fact that research proves that the biggest risk to children is having an unrelated male moving into their home, so clearly that doesn't work out so happily for many people (including me as a child).

I am really glad to hear you are happy though. But to me, marrying someone and presumably then moving them in with your children when you have known them 16 months in unconscionable. I wouldn't even introduce them to children at that stage. You can't know someone properly in 16 months. You were lucky it turned out ok, but it could not have, very easily. That is a HUGE risk to take, and the difference when a parent is that it's not just your risk.

I'm married second time around. He is wonderful with my DD from my first marriage. I dated A LOT. I had loads of fun then decided I would be single for a while and then met him and we got married after 16 months. I think you know better second time around!

As long as dating doesn't affect your DC I see no issue. I was lucky though and had shared care with my ex so could date without it impacting on my DD. Don't know how people do it when they have the child 24/7 or 1 night off a week!