Argument with DS1

My DS(18) has left home on the back of an argument.
It’s a very sad situation really, when I split with his father he was 6. Things were ok at first but then he started to change towards me a year is so after.
Instinctively, it felt like his father had been bad mouthing me and then my DS confessed but only gave limited information as he was a child and I didn’t want to push it.
Fast forward to now and I have a great relationship with ex MIL and FIL who confirmed my thoughts. The things he used to say about me was disgusting. And they told his father to stop talking about me to my DS.
He doesn’t see his father much now - his father gives him plenty of money and unfortunately money talks with my DS.
I have no contact with his father and haven’t done for years.
As a result, my relationship has sadly suffered with my DS despite my efforts. I have always tried to compensate for his fathers words about me with no success.
Last week, my DS passed in a message from his father and finished it with ‘but I am not getting involved’
I was really annoyed at the tone my DS used and the fact that he could ‘get involved’ when his dad wanted him to deliver a shit sandwich to me.
I said, go and live with your dad as I am fed up of the rude behaviour and snide remarks I constantly get from DS. I constantly bite my tongue at his rudeness towards me. He seems only interested in me when he is getting something.
He has basically now left, sneaked back for his clothes to move in with his gf at her parents. He has been with this girl for a couple of month. She is 17. Her parents have 2 other younger children.
He hasn’t spoke. To me about it. It’s like he has just ghosted me. His mother, who has done everything for him (that has never quite been enough)
Ifeel utterly heartbroken at all of this and can’t stop crying. I fully appreciate I lashed out by saying go and live with your father but in all honesty I just have never quite been good enough for my son. I don’t even feel like he likes me most of the time.
I have two other children who I have an amazing relationship with. They all get the same.
Really don’t need any hate messages. Be gentle.

I don't think the game is the real issue here. He has been stressed, scared and frustrated lately and the game being disturbed may well have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Sometimes, when we are going through a lot of stressful things, the tiniest, most ridiculous things can set us off. It could be that he is using the game as an escapism from his real life worries as well and when he lost that and the relief he got from it, however temporarily he hit the roof.

Of course he still should,'t have hit the roof and you were right to call him out on it. He'll be back once he has had time to cool down and reflect

When you say knocked off the wifi do you mean knocked the router over and it disconnected his game? If so yes he's wildly over reacted but YABU about "I just can't see how to get him to understand he was the one in the wrong" because on the subject of him leaving the house you're as much in the wrong as he is.

When I not just as bad an prone to arguing back I tend to treat these episodes like the outbursts he had at the 8/9 yo testosterone surge.

"That's not OK, take some time and we'll talk about it when you're ready".

I'd probably leave the WiFi off until he was "ready"

What’s he planning on doing for money, whilst he might be able to stay awhile she’s not going to support him indefinitely, real life will catch up with him eventually.

It’s the Op’s house? 🧐🧐

If she's in flat style halls the other students might complain about him being there and he'll end up back home

Hopefully after he apologises for being a rude prick

is he on a back up list for accomodation? Just because a lot of people drop out or change flats within the first month or 2 of uni, so might be worth him checking up with the uni if he wants to move out. Otherwise most people tend to move in with others they meet through halls so he might struggle finding somewhere to live for the next 2 years too and I think you're probably both at the stage where he would benefit from living elsewhere and realising a) how good he has it at home and b) flatmates wouldn't put up with being shouted at for a mistake so he shouldn't treat his mum worse than he would random strangers!

It's a sodding game. No one should be shouting at anyone because they've lost a poxy game ffs unreal

^This.

He's old enough to know better. Leave him to his flounce. He needs to apologise for his behaviour.

Yep it happened quite a lot in my dds first year of university too! If they’re sneaky no one will find out / say anything…!

To those saying he won't be able to stay in halls for long I know of a student who did manage to live with their boyfriend for an entire year in their halls room and therefore managed to save themselves thousands!

How was OP supposed to know? It doesn't sound like she did it on purpose (or why would she be asking why the wifi wasn't working if she deliberately switched it off?)

(Although saying that, if you did deliberately switch it off or reset it to try and fix it OP, it's always best to let everyone know first as it could have been much, much more important than a game)

Lol ok.

It's a sodding game. No one should be shouting at anyone because they've lost a poxy game ffs unreal

Oh god don’t apologise. He’s an adult. A young one at that but imagine if he was an older man behaving like this when his wife accidentally kicked off the wifi? You’d have replies telling you he was an abusive idiot. Yes he’s stressed and having a difficult time - isn’t everyone? He needs to learn he can’t speak to you like that.

How would you feel if someone knocked the WiFi off mid game?

I just don't understand why you would do that?

I have a ds the same age and if I treat him like a child he responds like one.

When I speak to him like an adult he responds well to that and discusses things with me.

What? You must not apologise! I have two DSs - if mine spoke to me like that they’d be in massive trouble.
He is unlikely to be allowed to stay in her hall room - probably shouldn’t even be there for one night.

oh and YANBU OP

I've recently had to seriously cut down time on a game after I started shouting and swearing at the screen

You were spot on, he's an adult and needs to conduct himself accordingly. Being a twat over a game is not acceptable, it's not like you interrupted a job interview and even then, behaviour like that is not a reasonable or proportionate response.

Why were you in his room?

i mean i get why he was frustrated, online games sometimes have a timer where you can't play if you quit mid game but he shouldn't have spoken to you like crap i think you're both at fault tbh him for speaking to you like that and you for making rash comments

One-way = leeway