My parents relationship wasn't exactly healthy-my dad was an arsehole, cheated all the time and my mum kept taking him back. She told me that all men just wanted sex and to save myself etc.
Then my first real relationship was with a nasty abuser. Lots of domestic abuse and violence and I was a shell of a woman. That was from mid teens to mid twenties. My parents were aware of some of it, but nothing was ever really said or done.
Next relationship was with a totally boring but very controlling man. He told me what to do, etc etc and I just did as I was told. Didn't last long.
Next relationship, chose a younger man. He was quite fiesty but I also was quite nasty to him. Told him I was messaging other men. Was a bit violent myself. I shouted, I threatened, I kept wondering if I was being abusive. We finished suddenly and totally lost all touch for reasons we couldn't control.
Onto my current relationship. Again, I've slipped into wondering if I am abusive. I shout a lot, put him down a lot, threaten etc him a lot. Yet I always feel hard done by and like I deserve better. He's no angel, he's hurt me physically, he's emotionally immature and not exactly wonderful.
All this probably makes me sound like I'm a right mess, but actually I have a boringly normal life. I'm in a well respected, professional career and no one would think there was anythibg wrong with life at all. I'm just questioning myself. And I think, there's no smoke without fire, right?
I literally look at my current partner and wonder if I need to leave him because he's abusive, or leave him because I'M abusive!
Basically, help!