To think I'm abusive?

It’s interesting that you witnessed an abusive relationship when young and that is also what your relationships seem to be based on? Although it is great that you obviously recognise that and want to do something about this as it is not making you feel good.
I would definitely recommend leaving the abusive partner and getting yourself some decent therapy and yes, it does work. You will be able to talk about how you feel in a relationship, your parent’s relationship and where this anger may be coming from. Also, you may feel that you want to spend some time single to explore these feelings. Good luck...

I say this with kindness but I seriously recommend that you access counselling services. Start with yourself, set some healthy boundaries and learn some healthy ways to assert yourself and settle disagreements.

Of course you can fix this, if you are committed to it and take absolute full responsibility for your behaviour. You will most likely need professional help to do so.

You grew up in a dysfunctional, and lets face it, abusive household. Since then, you have had three long term relationships where your dp has abused you, and you are now in another, which sounds volatile to say the least.

You have never seen or been part of a normal loving relationship, so it is no wonder you are struggling. Talking through everything with someone would be really beneficial. Also, I've never referred to it myself, but there is something called The Freedom Programme which is often mentioned on MN. Maybe look into that?

Well, what triggers it?

Do you actually love him op? You don’t seem perturbed that people are saying leave him. If you want to work in this relationship get couples counselling. Or leave and get yourself sorted. You recognise this isn’t right and you want to change... the first steps are always the hardest but you’re hopefully on your way

Yes your behaviour does sound abusive to be honest.

I was in a relationship where we fell into really toxic behaviour, some physical violence but mostly emotional manipulation and nasty name calling etc.

That relationship ended and I’ve never ever experienced anything like that again, I’ve never treated another partner that way and I’ve had a couple of very loving and respectful relationships since and now in a committed, loving, respectful relationship where I wouldn’t ever ever act that way and would be mortified and heartbroken if DP did that to me.... I’m saying this because demonstrating a certain behaviour in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you are that person forever. Me and my ex were very young and quite damaged individually- we were completely wrong for each other and was an explosive combination.

In your case you are repeating behaviour which says to me that you have issues that you need to resolve within yourself before you can understand and control your anger or need to control / manipulate etc.

My advice to a friend would be to leave and get some counselling and really do the work. Work on your demons and settle them before embarking on another relationship.

Sounds like you are doing the 'attack is the best form of defence' thing.
I can see how this happened.

Relationships are complicated, different people bring out different aspects of your character, if you don’t like who you are when you’re with someone, they’re probably not right for you. Sounds like you’ve got no experience of healthy relationships and figuring this stuff out alone, with no models to base it on is really really hard. You can definitely change anything about yourself and your behaviour but you will need help. Best of luck, questioning your own behaviour is a great step forward.

In your first two relationship you let someone walk all over you.

I don’t think you have become an awful person from the nice one you were before.
I think you’ve decided to not get walked over anymore and have developped unhealthy ways to do it. Also, probably because you’ve never learnt how to be assertive wo being a bully.

If you really believe “you can’t help it” you have no business being in a relationship and should walk away from this one immediately. Can’t help it? Yeah, heard that one before myself

You are aware you have an issue which means therapy can help you make positive changes.

Maybe you are abusive.
Or maybe you are answering in an aggressive way to an abusive partner/a twat.

If a woman was becoming physically violent in response to being physically attacked, no one would say she is violent and dangerous/physically threatening.

I find it impossible to say if it’s one or the other from your posts.

However, I think you would benefit from counselling and leaving the relationship

If he's hurt you physically, and you threaten him and put him down you are both at fault, and it sounds like the whole dynamic is toxic. End the relationship and do some serious work on yourself before you get involved with someone else. You need to break the cycle before history repeats itself yet again.

I'm mentioning my boringly normal, professional career because I want to show how "normal" my day to day life is. How I feel within myself, how everyone else views me.

I'm sure I'm not the only one reading with experience of this kind of abuser. In fact, he thought having such a steady and normal professional life was evidence that he wasn't abusive because he clearly wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He also thought felt "hard done by" and as though he "deserved better".

Therapy can work if you do genuinely want it to and if you're therefore prepared to put the work in yourself too.

It's hard and will take a lifetime of active unlearning. Don't fall into the trap of not truly believing you're abusive and going only to be told it's not your fault and it's not that bad and all the rest of it. Take it seriously and don't allow anyone to become dependent on you until you really do know you've beaten it.

I'm not excusing your violent or abusive behaviour, but presumably what led to it was your experience of your parents' relationship and then your early abusive relationships. I don't know if therapy would sort it out, but surely it's worth a try? If you don't go down the therapy route you should at the very least split up with your partner and consider staying single. It's clear that you are not able to choose appropriate partners or function normally in a relationship.

Was a bit violent myself

What does this mean?

You talk about violence in relationships in a really casual way. I've had lots of relationships and there's never been any violence.. even when there's been huge arguments, there's never been any physical threats either way. Your relationships sound completely toxic and I think your past means you've normalised violence.

It is very insightful of you to question your relationships and ask these questions. Sounds like you are trying to move beyond your circumstances and your past. Life is hard. Wishing you well.

You are both abusive and one of you needs to leave the other partner. I hope you can both get the help you need.

Yes, you are abusive, and I don't think you should be in a relationship, honestly. Not until you get professional help to get to the root and learn to stop all of your abusive and violent behaviours.

You've recognised that this is an abusive relationship and apportioning the right amount of blame isn't going to fix this - you just need to leave. This isn't a healthy relationship.

When the dust has settled you need to seek help to draw healthy boundaries in a relationship and recognise when they have failed.