To think I'm abusive?

Sorry just seen this OP. Glad you are happier.

And I've just seen your last message.
I'm glad you're in a calm place now, and I still think therapy would be an investment, after everything you've been through.

You’ve gained a hard shell to protect yourself from being hurt.
counselling is a good way of dealing with it. So is being consciously aware of how you are acting right now.

1. How am I feeling?
2. How did I react? 3)Was it abusive?
3. How was I feeling when I did it?
4. What would be the right way to react?

If you do that all the time you will regulate your behaviour better.

It’s transference- bullies victom hating the weakness they see in others and it’s common.

You're in a pickle for sure, and I think you should avoid relationships until you've made peace with the past and sorted out who you are and what you want.

Your mum was doing the best she could, for sure, and also it was still really bad for you. It felt bad and it harmed you to see how she lived and what she did.

It's your work now, to deal with all that so that you don't repeat any of it.

Not your fault, but definitely your responsibility.

It can be done, and you'll be glad you did it.

Therapy and self help. Look for a good therapist and invest in yourself. Read about codependency and childhood trauma etc. I think the most important thing is to talk to someone kind and careful about it all.

Love x

I wanted to update in case anyone else ever finds themselves in the same situation as I did. I am the OP.

The relationship I was in ended just days after I posted this, after a huge domestic violence incident where he was arrested and charged for hurting me. The police helped me realise that he was abusive, not me. What I was experiencing was 'reactive abuse'. My awful behaviour was a direct result of the abuse I suffered day in day out. He was horriblly abusive and I can see that now.

I'm happy to report that I am now in a safe and happy relationship with a wonderful man, there has been no poor behaviour on either side. It is worlds away from my previous relationships.

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and non judgemental at a time when I desperately needed it. I hope my experience can help someone in the same situation.

Trauma therapy and DBT are the two types of therapy I would like to do because I believe they are the most (of perhaps only) effective with this issue. I was referred for trauma therapy for PTSD before Covid and am of course still waiting. If indeed it ever happens on the NHS...

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

My first relationship was with an older guy in my mid teens; you’d probably call it grooming now. He was also sexually abusive too, including when I was pregnant. Met someone else, got married too quickly, that ended due to his violence. Went off the rails for a bit, then met my second husband. That relationship hit the skids, but I’d tell myself it was ok because he didn’t hit me. However he was controlling, and financially abusive, and I felt trapped, and wasn’t very nice to him either. Why am I telling you this? Because I left. I got help, initially from women’s aid, then from a great therapist. I’ve been single for six years and have a calm and happy home. My life is unrecognisable. Change is possible.

OP, you.are.worth so much more but I know it can be hard to believe that when you still in the trauma loop.

My first relationship was with an older guy in my mid teens; you’d probably call it grooming now. He was also sexually abusive too, including when I was pregnant. Met someone else, got married too quickly, that ended due to his violence. Went off the rails for a bit, then met my second husband. That relationship hit the skids, but I’d tell myself it was ok because he didn’t hit me. However he was controlling, and financially abusive, and I felt trapped, and wasn’t very nice to him either.
Why am I telling you this? Because I left. I got help, initially from women’s aid, then from a great therapist. I’ve been single for six years and have a calm and happy home. My life is unrecognisable. Change is possible.

to you and the Op

When we have been abused we get stuck in fight or flight mode and our amygdala is hyper sensitive to stress or perceived slights or threats to our ego. A lot of this amounts to a form of complex PTSD.

I myself am receiving trauma therapy and have had dialectical behavioural therapy on the nhs (admittedly because I had BPD continue with trauma) to help regulate my emotions and impulsive behaviour that came about as a result of my abusive upbringing and unstable sense of self worth.

It wasn't your fault you were abused but you can learn to heal.it takes time but you don't need to settle for a life like thjs

My DP however finds it very easy to do and the language he uses to me and our kids when he’s feeling defensive can be v hurtful You should leave.

The good news is it can be fixed.
You're already self aware you need to channel it.
I enjoy listening to Tony Robbins he has many videos on YouTube he helps with direction and how you can focus for change. He's not everyone's cut of tea.
Good luck.

Oops typos. I had an abusive childhood, that should read.

As well as physical abuse, my parents constantly put me down. I find it frighteningly easy to do that myself, or st least I did up to a year or two ago. Now it disgust me somewhat when my automatic thought is to be critical of someone. My DP however finds it very easy to do and the language he uses to me and our kids when he’s feeling defensive can be v hurtful. It’s a harmful way of being.

Op I relate so much h to what you’ve written. And am contemplating splitting with my DP for the same reasons.

I’ve had therapy in the past and anger Mgt, but tbh none of them worked immediately. Years on from both, and something in me has clicked. I’m able to finally see how I’ve instigated abusive patterns of being. I don’t think I’ve been a nice person. As well as having had a v any dive childhood, I’ve realised recently how mental Heath issues have been at the root of a lot of my behaviour. I’m finally on a more even keel mental health wise and I think that’s down to maturity and also and menopause and finding the right HRT finally. But this clarity has allowed me to see how mentally ill I was before and how I made destructive relationship choices.

I would love to hope my current longterm partnership could change but I don’t think we can change together.

I plan on trying out the Freedom programme when group meetings are running. As for other types of therapy, I’m really interested to know what type of therapy people suggest. Frankly none of the guck loads of therapy I did before was illuminating enough. It has to be something that is relationship focused. I would love suggestions for a specific type.

It’s not unusual for the abused to sadly become the abuser...because of course that’s the negative behaviour pattern that you’ve grown up with. But I find your account oddly distant and you don’t seem to acknowledge any kind of will, self choice or determination in these events...Perhaps you should step back and ask yourself if you did nothing, how life’s going to turn out for you and if you’d be happy with that? If you’ve got a well paid professional job OP, why don’t you spend some of that money on your own and couples therapy to try and sort out this mess and establish some happier, calmer and more fulfilling behaviour patterns. If you are an abuser, I can’t believe that you’re a happy one.

It sounds like you had an unhappy childhood, with poor relationships modelled by your parents. That happened to lots of us, too. Then we go on to have drama and conflict in our own relationships. But suddenly at a certain age, you just realise you want a nice life, free of drama and you decide to change. Pat yourself on the back for realising you’ve made mistakes and decide to move on. It doesn’t sound like your current partner is right for you. But when you meet the right person, you can have a lovely life, free from all the dramas of your childhood, trust me xx

Onto my current relationship. Again, I've slipped into wondering if I am abusive. I shout a lot, put him down a lot, threaten etc him a lot. Yet I always feel hard done by and like I deserve better. He's no angel, he's hurt me physically, he's emotionally immature and not exactly wonderful.

From this, you both sound abusive and it’s clearly a toxic relationship. I think it’s time to end this one and start working on your own behaviour, preferably with a therapist. You can heal from the past but with a history of abusive behaviour on your part I would be wary of starting a new relationship until you’ve worked on these issues.

Maybe you could work with Respect www.respect.uk.net/ to address your abusive behaviours. You should also do some therapy dealing with the abuse you have suffered and resetting your boundaries and expectations in relationships.

I would suggest you end your current relationship and stay single until you have really worked on yourself. You keep ending up in abusive relationships and are now a perpetrator as well as victim. You need to break the cycle so that you can have healthy relationships.

There’s different types of abusive relationships - there’s the coercive control type with a clear abuser-victim demarcation, then there’s common couple violence when both sides go hammer and tongs for each other.

It sounds like you’ve migrated from the former to the latter.

OP you remind me so much of my sister, and we are from a smiliar background as you.

I love her but hes very unpleasant to be around if youre related to her.

The problem is, fundamentally she is just bery angry, insecure and scarred by being raised by two emotionally damaged people. Because my dad was and is so awful, she will put up with anything from a partner while punishing them for caring about her, its a very toxic dynamic and something I distance myself from.

You need counselling,
You need to accept and love yourself and just STOP.
You are enough.

I don't know how old you are but my sister is 55 and unlikely ever to change now - you do need to sort this out before you have children if that is a plan.

Good luck - you dont need to feel like this.

I think you may have a lot of anger from your past and there is something about your current relationship that makes it seem ok or desirable even to express it in not-good ways. Perhaps your current partner is not perfect, or even really not great. Perhaps on some level that is what you want, someone to punish as you never punished your abusive first partner or anyone who pushed you around as a child at home.

but it will not make you happy. End it and get some therapy.

I don't think you can resolve this pattern and I don't think this man is good enough really for you to really want to. I think you would be happier single, and in the long term, with someone amazing in circumstances where you can love and cherish each other.

Your partner is getting something out of it too, he has issues of his own. But they are his problem. you get out, and look after you.

Good luck.

It sounds like you need counselling for the past and anger management. You're probably naturally defensive subconsciously trying not to be treated as a doormat like your DM.
It sounds tough you need some time to figure your needs out.

You sound aggressive and absolutely in need of counselling. At least you can see your flaws which is a step in the right direction.

Good luck OP

@Amikraminot therapy can definitely help you. You have no pattern for healthy communication methods or emotional regulation.

Being aggressive, threatening, undermining, dismissing are all emotionally manipulative and controlling behaviour. But being angry is not in itself a negative response. It's an emotion, a valid emotion like all others. Therapy or a really good counsellor can help you see that and learn more constructive responses.

It sounds like all your relationships have the same dynamic. Emotional immaturity on both sides. But you can learn. You shouldn't be in a relationship though unless both of you are committed to sorting it out.

I would say you have got entrenched in 'violent methods' of communication which you need to unlearn, sounds like that won't happen with the person you're currently in a relationship with as he is abusive. You can only unlearn that pattern by engaging in some hardcore therapy and or being in a relationship with someone who has a healthier way of solving problems.