DH called my son a prick.

It would be abuse if someone was doing it to their partner, and it is if it's an adult doing it to their kids.

Don't give me "stressed" either, I am stressed and tired, and fed up, like most of us, but I am yet to call my kids anything derogatory.

He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.

What do you mean by this comment? Surely it is normal for parents to decorate a kids bedroom from time to time. Does he use this as an example of him being "invested in all of you" or despite having been with him for 8 years do you struggle to feel like you are really a family unit?
Personally I think some posters might be overreacting without all the information. Honestly I struggle to believe that there are any families where at least one parent hasn't occasionally yelled at the child when they lost their temper. It isn't clear from your post if he has been yelling at your son for 8 years or if it has just been recently. If it is more recent, what impact has lockdown had? I know I shouted at DS occasionally when stressed trying to teach him from home whilst working ft last term.
I can't tell from your post whether he has yelled and called DS names for years or whether this is a recent thing and whether there are issues around whether you have all integrated properly as a family unit since your marriage.

If your child is not comfortable around someone I would get rid of them

How has said he was not comfortable? he was being bratty and gobby and pushing boundaries with another man- teenage boys do that. it's part of growing up and they need clear boundaries (ok, ideally not with swearing, but parents are humans.)
Maybe the husband will walk instead?

And what kind of signal will that give to the boy?

Honestly, it's shocking how so many posters suggest breaking up this family where the son will have had 2 fathers by the time he is 12.

How do you think that would affect him?

He'd either feel it was all his fault- low self esteem again- OR feel he had some power to come between his mum and her husband.

Neither is good for a child who already has issues.

Adults who are married, talk to each other and work out ways to manage a bratty gobby child with low self esteem.

Splitting up so quickly is not the answer.

Gobby? Chats back? Your husband thinks he behaves appallingly and is disrespectful and ungrateful to you both. Does your husband have a point?

If your DS does have poor behaviour that isn't addressed properly then I can understand why your DH gets wound up. He shouldn't really yell at him and certainly shouldn't swear at him but are you really addressing your child's poor behaviour? What is your DH supposed to do when your son repeatedly talks back and refuses to do things?

OP, what would you do if your DH was your son's father? Would you reaction be any different?
If your child is not comfortable around someone I would get rid of them.
I completely agree he shouldn't parent your child, however in my mind it also comes with him not paying for any child related costs.

Some of these comments calling your DH abusive for calling a bratty 11 year old a prick (when he probs was being a prick) is ridiculous. We all say things in the heat of the moment, that is NOT abuse.

The labels of 'abuse' here are really worrying.
Let's not minimise real abuse by applying the word to a bit of name calling by a parent working from home and under stress.

I get the impression from a lot of posts that a) posters have never had teens and been pushed to their limits of patience and b) have never ever called their child a 'bad' name if they were out or order.

Let's maybe have some understanding for a man pushed to his limits by a gobby pre-teen, who's not his bio son, is working at home, doing his best for his step family.

It doesnt' sound as if this is something that goes on all of the time - he said 2 x in 8 years?

Maybe you need a joint chat OP with your husband to work out the best way to handle your son. Talk to HIM not MN.

A feeling of low self-worth.

Maybe you should stop allowing him to be abused in his own home then.

He's got one adult abusing him on a regular basis and another adult - his mother - standing by and allowing it to happen because she doesn't think he's worth protecting.

Can't possibly imagine why he might have low self-worth.

He has counselling at school to build emotional resilience which is where a lot of the backchat comes from. A feeling of low self-worth

Where has that feeling of low self worth come from, op? A step father who belittles him, apologises, and does it again.

This thread makes me sad. My stepfather was verbally abusive to me throughout my childhood and teens. My mum didn't intervene. I sometimes think about billing them for the two years of therapy I've needed in order to scrape together some self esteem.

You might find that your son's anxiety and behaviour both improve with his stepfather out of the house.It sounds like a really tense household to grow up in.

How old is your other child?

A feeling of low self-worth

Oh I wonder why this is?

Total mystery.

Your partner sounds like an abusive knob. Does he behave like this at work or only towards those to whom he can get away with it? Like a kid who has to live with him.

You are both teaching your children that it’s okay to verbally abuse someone that you love.

Get a grip. I still call my kids out out when they are being pricks. I love them and that’s why I call them out on it, if I didn’t love them then I couldn’t be arsed. Who needs that aggravation! If needed I will say ‘you are acting like a complete and utter prick’ or ‘you realise you are being a complete and utter prick’. Should I just leave them to carry on being a prick and not point this out because I love them?

Would you have posted if this was your son's bio father?

Or are you expecting something different as it's a step father?

In all honestly, having had teens who are now adults in their 30s, I'd say a Dad calling a step son a prick was very low down on the Richter scale of son/ dad bad behaviour- and my DH is quiet, kind and no temper.

It all depends on the context but someone can call someone a prick for doing something pretty minor and it can be said in a jokey or affectionate way.

My son is gobby and chats back

So you expect another adult who is not their bio father to accept that and not occasionally get annoyed?

Maybe you expect perfection?.
The context is everything. You could call someone a fool, or an idiot, or just plain daft, rather than say 'prick' , but it all depends on why it was said and tone of voice.

Family life is often full of rows, ups and downs, but that's normal. If your son and his step dad get on w ell most of the time, I think maybe you are over reacting a bit based on your previous history?

He really yells when my DS
he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.

DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather - I'm sorry, what did you say...?

When someone says sorry, and repeats the behaviour they have apologised for, the apology means nothing. They aren't really sorry at all, they just want you to forget what they did...

He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t.
You cannot be 100% sure of that. Abusive people escalate.

Sounds like this is the first time he has called your son a name. Did you ever think he would call your son a prick? No, but he did, didn't he? Escalation.

PLEASE stop thinking he is supportive, or a good stepfather. He is neither.

PLEASE stop putting him before your son.

You are NOT overreacting.

You are helping him with resilience so he is better able to cope with your partners behaviour?

What exactly made him have a pop at your son while he was mowing the lawn?

Your sons nervous and anxious behaviour sounds like it's been caused by your husband, it's really sad that you have allowed this to happen.

“My son is gobby and chats back.”

I think you have identified the real problem here. Don’t agree with calling a child a prick but it sounds like your DH is loosing his patience watching your son be disrespectful towards you and him. I think you should be sorting out your child’s rude/gobby behaviour, I can see your DH’s frustration if you are just allowing it.

It’s always hard to get the whole story on a forum like this but if you take the incident by itself it totally wrong for your DH to call your son a prick and to swear at him.

That said, you said your song is a gobby so what do you do about it?

If your DH has put lots of time and money into making a home for you and your children but gets a mouthful of abuse from your ds and you don’t punish / discipline then your DH is going to get pissed off with him. Not acceptable to call your son a prick but we need more information on whether your son is badly behaved and how you deal and punish his bad behaviour.

Sorry cross-post. It sounds as though you're doing a lot with your DS. The fact that your DH went back out to deliberately annoy him when you had calmed the situation, is not good at all. I would be thinking about the serious changes that need to happen going forward. If your DH refuses to discuss this then write a letter making it clear he has to commit to changing (through counselling or classes) or he will need to leave.

His resilience isn't going to improve if his step dad calls him a brat and a prick. I imagine he has poor self worth because of his dad and his step dad is reinforcing this.

Ime your ds is misbehaving because he has no respect for his sf.. Wonder why? He will be disrespectful to you before too long as you are allowing his home to be like it is.
A not so happy place...
New life =new ds ime....

Tbh it sound like they are both as bad as each other.

I’d move out if I had to live with a gobby 11 year old. Fuck that.

Equally I wouldn’t live with a man that called one of my kids a prick.

Sounds a bit of a mess OP. Your dp isn’t entirely to blame here, you and your ds are also to blame

Im sure that I lost it on the odd occasion and called my (bio) children pricks when they were acting well and truly like pricks. It doesn’t seem to have turned them into axe murderers or emotionally crippled adults. I’m sure if they were able to have those episodes replayed to them today they would willingly agree they were acting like pricks and should have been called out on it.